Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

At one point he said 'I'd like to come to London sometimes without the pressure of seeing you.' That hurt and I told him so.

On one hand, I kind of get it. I just don't feel the same. I never feel pressure to see him, I always want to see him. I guess he doesn't feel the same and that hurts. He tells me that he loves me. We talk about a future together. We saw each other last weekend and will see each other next weekend. Am I overreacting?

I'm still going through a shitty divorce, separated two years ago. This is my first relationship since.

He’s thinking he might meet someone better but wants to keep you around in case he doesn’t.

Hmm take him at his word, but pay attention to how much time he gives you going forward. If he continues to prioritize giving himself space then that should tell you everything you need to know.

It reads to me as though the " seeing other people" is just a cover story and the whole purpose of his visit is actually to see his ex. That he is hoping to rekindle things with her. Hence he doesn't want to see you whilst in your city.
I'm sorry OP but it sounds as though he isn't over her.

I think it's fair he wants to see his friends. The long distance here makes it difficult as he could have a weekend with friends, if you were able to see each other in the week. As that's not possible it seems, then it leaves 2 days to socialise with friends and see you. So from that perspective I don't think he's unreasonable, after just 6 months.
On the flip side, the conversation with the ex would bother me a little, though he's clearly being transparent. Have you told him that part specifically makes you uncomfortable? Why does he need closure? Closure comes surely from being in a new relationship with you..and I'd possibly be inclined to say that to him.
And yes, even a quick coffee would be nice but, if the weekend is full of social things then I appreciate that too could be hard to fit in and if appears you have plans for the following weekend. My advice would be follow suit and stay busy yourself so as not to dwell.

He's still hung up on his ex. If he really was over her he wouldnt be desperate for closure. Closure is something you no longer care about when you are indifferent to someone. You might wonder about certain things but you dont dwell on it when feelings are no longer involved as you've moved on and are happier without them.

Also, when you are mad about someone you'd want to see them, it wouldnt be a "pressure"- especially at the beginning of a relationship when the attraction is wild

It seems like you are a lot more invested than he is tbh. It sounds like this is more casual for him than it is for you. You need to consider protecting yourself from further hurt.

Could he feel the relationship is becoming a little too serious? I know that probably sounds daft, but sometimes 'serious', can make some people panic. He's told you that he's seeing his ex, for closure - that may or may not be true. The only thing you can from that, is the fact he's not hidden it or lied. Personally, I would go along with what he wants on this occasion. You state he said he could stay at yours, but you don't think he really wants too. So don't say anymore on that front. See how things start panning out. If he starts to slowly withdraw from you - making excuses why he can't see you etc, then you have your answer.

I’d protect myself too here. Seeing other friends is healthy and normal.
I don’t think it’s normal not to pop into see you to give you a hug and have a coffee. To me that’s not being too bothered.

I agree it is strange (and worrying) that he can't find time to see you even it was just for a quick catch up before he leaves on the Sunday

It's not a good sign I'm afraid, especially if he hasn't previously introduced you to these friends.

I think he still sees it as casual and is keeping his options open where you've fallen in love and want more commitment. The bit he said about not wanting pressure to see you would give me alarm bells. Only 6 months in he should be at the stage of being excited to see you, especially if you're only meeting on weekends.

I’d take him so his word and let him compartmentalise this weekend but watch the next few.

You do sound a bit clingy, and always available - sorry! He's spent the last 12(ish) weekends with you, he's allowed a weekend off, even if it is in your city.

The ex thing is a definite red flag though. Have you met his friends?

Sounds like a huge red flag to me!!! My DPs comment was “he’s going to be banging his ex!” I’d chuck this one back :)

Sounds like your a rebound off his ex especially if he needs closure off his ex after spending the past 3 months worth of weekends with you.

My first thought is how far do you live from the friends? If you are at complete opposite ends of London (say Cockfosters to Morden) then I can see why it might be too tricky for him to pop in and see you.

On the surface, it is healthy to see friends on your own.

But the "pressure to see you" and "closure" remarks would concern me. Not enough to dump him but definitely enough to step back a little bit for the next few weeks. It will give you some breathing space and a chance to see if there are signs that you have missed.

I can totally relate to this and I would also be hurt. He should be wanting you to meet his friends by now, especially as it's in the city you live in. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole weekend with you, but he should be making time to fit you in. Do you know who he is staying with? Could it be his ex? It sounds like he was the one who was dumped and he's holding out for a possible reunion.

I know this will be tough for you, but there's essentially not much you can do about it. It's also tough being in a long distance relationship as you end up spending longer periods of time together (say a whole wknd rather than a couple of times a week) and there can also be a lot of second guessing when it comes to communication (I've been there!).

Actions speak louder than words- so let him show you. Don't press for anything from him and make your own plans that weekend. If he is still into his ex, there's nothing you can do about it (and would you want to be with him anyway?). If he's seeing other friends, he should be telling you about them/ sending photos as the wknd goes on.

You are going through a difficult time with your divorce and that must be very emotionally draining for you. Focus on yourself and try not to invest too much in this relationship just yet. If he really likes you and is in it for the long run, you need a few more months with him for that to be established, as the first year or so is the honeymoon period of the relationship. You've told him how you feel about this weekend and that should be enough for him to reassure you. I hope things work out for you xx

Why would he need closure if he was happy with you?

Surely his thought process would be "the ending of my last relationship wasn't great, but obviously it was supposed to end so I could find OP, I'm so much happier with her."

If he doesn't believe that, you've got a problem.

Exactly.

Hmm he sounds a bit crap tbh, I’d try to focus on your wider life, make your own plans and see your friends.

He's staying at his daughter's house one night and with a friend who I've met another. I asked him if he was staying with the ex and he said no, absolutely not.

As for seeing her, he swears there's no chance of reconciliation or sleeping together this weekend. He says that he wants to move forward with me but he feels held back because he's still processing the end of their relationship. That what he wants from her is a civil conversation where she takes some responsibility for the way the relationship ended. I generally do believe him, but I wonder if she was keen on getting back together what his reaction would be.

He's been very reassuring. Says we have the rest of our lives to see each other and one weekend doesn't matter. I do think he's a bit overwhelmed with how our relationship has gone. We clicked early on. He was doing a lot of casual dating when we met, as was I.

I've got a friend coming down to stay over tonight, so we'll keep busy tomorrow.

I totally get where you’re coming from and it would sting a bit for me too.

The trouble is you want him to want to see you, not because you’ve mentioned it now.

I would leave it for this weekend and arrange something else fun but keep things under review and see if there are other times in the relationship where you seem to be on different pages.

you want to feel like things are mutual not that you’re leaning in more than him.

Also be careful as from your updates it does sound very full on for 6 months and seeing each other once a week, talking about love and the rest of your lives etc.

He shouldn't be dating other people if he feels he still needs 'closure' from his ex
Massive Red flag