Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

I find it weird he's meeting the ex for closure after 6 months with you. That's a long time.

I agree with this. It's relatively early days, especially for a long distance relationship. It's caught you both by surprise and sounds like it's been going really well - lovely weekends, great sex etc. But it's still early and long distance, and he's only split from his wife three years then went quickly (by the sounds of it) into this long-ish relationship with the ex, then was meant to be casually dating but clicked with you. Totally understandable to want to unpack that with a counsellor and talk to the ex for a closure that he doesn't feel he had. It may lead to him committing more fully to your relationship or it may lead to the opposite, you can't know, but I don't think it's a reason to question your self-respect over one weekend when everything else has been going well. If you're not that into him and want to go back to the casual dating pool, that'd be different. But as you are, why not let this weekend slide and see what happens. Have faith and if it's misplaced then that's on him, not you. But he might well come through and all will be well. Tbh I'd find the long distance aspect more of an issue than the ex. The relationship will have to be very special and strong to surmount that, so again this is a good test of whether it's really got legs or not.

Thanks for this. I think he is into me. He tells me he loves me and that I'm only the fourth woman he's said that to in his life. It has been pretty full on but I'm 53 and he's 61 and life is short. But maybe we could slow down and take a breath.

I know I have issues around insecurity. I need to focus on feeling better about myself.

Maybe make a decision on whether you trust him or not. If you trust him, tell him and don't pressure.

Pinkdelight, thanks for your post. I agree with what you've said. That's pretty much my rational take on it. Just trying to deal with my irrational feelings, or at least work out if they are irrational.

I don’t get how you can be in love with someone but need ‘closure’ on a previous relationship. Surely you have closure simply by the fact you have fallen in love with someone else? Maybe it is because when I have broken up with someone we broke up fully and I wasn’t able to move on until I had literally mentally moved on.

I think what hurts is if you two are serious he might have invited you along for the entire thing.

I was about to say exactly this.

Why does it matter whether they have a civil conversation or she takes some responsibility for the way the relationship ended? Why is he still giving her that much influence over his life, after six months with you?

Also, he shouldn’t feel “under pressure” to see you, he should be longing to see you.

You’re under a lot of stress, going through a divorce. Try to find other sources of pleasure, with friends or favourite activities. Not instead of him, but in addition so you don’t rely on him.

You’re both dealing with past break-ups. You may need more time to recover.

I agree with giraffe tree and Nigellaawesome. London is a big place and depending where everyone is situated it can take a lot of time out of the weekend to be travelling back and forth to see everyone and still be able to relax on your days off.

After I moved away I would return to visit some friends and not others and then vice versa at another time.

Try not to read too much into anything at this point, it's hard when you've come out of a difficult/abusive (gaslighting) relationship but he appears to be being transparent with you and wants to make things better long term.

Try to relax and enjoy the time with your friend, it's healthy to work to try to maintain friendships when dating someone new. Lots of people fall into 'hiberdating' when in new relationships and it's much healthier to have some space as well.

I hope it all goes well.

He sounds a bit like a love bomber to be honest, and perhaps not what you need after a difficult end to your long marriage.

Your DP split with his EXDW 3 years ago, and has already managed to have a 2 year relationship that he needs closure to get over, and has so far spent 6 months with you. It doesn't sound like he is over his EX, and his cover story sounds odd; they really don't need to meet up! I would be upset that he is making time to see his EX, but not for you.

I'd take a step back if I were you, in the sense of spending time with your friends and family and observing his behaviour. Watching things like whether he invites you out with his friends, whether he makes time for you in his life, and down the line whether he introduces you to his DC.

I think it depends where in London his friends are. If it’s a long way then meeting you for a coffee wouldn’t be a quick thing unless you’re prepared to travel to wherever they are for a half hour meet up and then trundle off home again.

That might be what he meant by pressure to see you when he’s in London. But I wouldn’t like that choice of words. It would make me think his feelings are waning. I’d let this go but be alert for other signs that he is losing interest and be prepared for it being another long distance relationship that didn’t work out. Many don’t

Absolutely agree with this. Hes only been split with his wife 3 years, already had a 2 year relationship with a woman he needs closure from and now with the OP for 6 months and already talking about ‘the rest if our lives’ This is a man who definitely doesn’t leave the bed to get cold before moving another woman into it.

And I’m sorry but this sounds like a crock of shit. Why does he need someone he’s no longer in a relationship with to ‘take responsibility’? It definitely sounds like he’s not over her and potentially you’re his rebound.

He says that he wants to move forward with me but he feels held back because he's still processing the end of their relationship. That what he wants from her is a civil conversation where she takes some responsibility for the way the relationship ended.

I would be feet, very wary of getting too involved in your shoes.

I think you’re being a bit unfair. He has a life in London outside of you and he’s entitled to it. It’s one weekend. Think of the bigger picture and let this one slide.

One thing I would say is he's from Manchester and has lots of other ties to London.

If he said he was seeing mates in Manchester this weekend how would it be different?

The fact he's visiting London (notably staying with his daughter) is a red herring here.

There are warning signs here though. Firstly it sounds like it's all been really rather intense and he's now wanting to take a bit of a break and prioritise other things which actually suggests it's been too full on to this point. Secondly that comment about closure.

You may have burnt out too quickly on this one.

I read up to he's still processing the end of his previous relationship and thought no way. He's not ready to date and he's taking you along for the ride.

It's not fair on you.

But are you ready to date again? You said your think you're being needy so you're already questioning your own behaviour.

Dating should be fun not stressful.

I've been asking myself that very question. I thought I was ready to date. In fact, I think I have been ready to date and had a really fun time going out casually. It's more, am I ready for a relationship? I didn't expect to meet anyone special so soon and neither did he. It surprised us both and it's something we've discussed.

I think we both have shit to resolve. I'm still going through my divorce. I think my situation is different in the ExH and I stopped loving each other a long time ago, so there's not any real emotional connection, but we're still sorting through the financial stuff and I'm still processing the end of that long relationship and the change in my circumstances. I see a therapist to help with this.

I think with DP, he's still processing some of the emotional fallout. I do wonder if he's putting everything, including the end of his much longer relationship, into this one space. But that's something for him and his therapist to discuss.

I agree that he's a man who doesn't like to be alone. Again, I have no idea if that's a bad thing. I married at 21, had a long dysfunctional marriage. I'm still learning how to have a healthy relationship.

I would let this one go, he's seeking closure from a ex - red flag, who on earth would say this to a new person he's dating! he's still hung up on her and no doubt try and sleep with her if he could and if he does, he'll suddenly say the relationship with you is too much pressure to get serious.
Just like it's too much pressure to see you this weekend that will ruin his chances.
Distance- hard enough with the best of relationships but not one where you aren't feeling secure.

At his age you'd think they'd grow up, he's playing with your emotions.

Stop being so needy - chill or you will scare him off

It sounds like you're being fed a sob story that's probably bullshit. What about being in a new great relationship makes you feel the need to go and spend time with your ex?

Indeed. This whole thing is wrong. OP feels "confused", he is running to his ex for "closure" and what's the reason?- he just loves OP so much that he needs to see and speak his ex - lol WHAT??

I also agree with PP that the timing of his relationships is very odd. I would be very very wary of this man.

Closure? I don’t like the sound of that. If he was head over heels in love with you he wouldn’t care about his ex. I also agree with you, that whilst I don’t think couples should live in each others pockets, it’s weird he doesn’t want to see you at all. Especially as you’re in a long distance relationships and opportunities to meet up are limited.

Why aren’t you going out with the group of friends too? Have you met his friends yet?

Very unlikely! Which is why women stick with this sort of thing.

Aka "showing their true colours" at which point you end it, is this not obvious? You're allowed to dump a boyfriend at any time for any reason!

Absolute bollocks. Nobody needs to visit their ex for closure and get counselling if they are head over heels in a new relationship.

Also agree with the PPs that have said he's gone wife, 2 year relationship, you in a short period of time.

What does he need to process? That's a big fat fucking line he's feeding you so he can choose to be flakey.

At 50+??? Not sure where these men are hiding then as they’re rarer than rainbow unicorns