Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

You what? Are we reading the same thread?

@Tex111 there are a lot of women coming back into their old interests or finding new ones in mid-life, creatives, artists, writers, or just people who want to have a quiet break without the kids! I can see why this guy must have seemed exciting and exhilarating, and I think your therapist has done a great job of helping you realise that's all within you too, you don't need him to pull that along now.

Maybe I have missed something!

The plot?

There’s no maybe about it!

How did he take it, OP?

Calmly. I don't think he really believes me. Or maybe it just doesn't bother him.

It is possible that he thinks he can talk your round and will give you a bit of space while he thinks about his next strategy and whether he can make art out of this situation too. People who are manipulative won't let it drop easily, he might even give you a few months but I doubt it will be the last you hear from him.

I had one pop round occasionally for years to try and persuade me, he knew all the phrases and actions. I think there is a manipulators manual somewhere, every time I come across one in my life or other people lives it all seems to run along the same lines.

Well done OP.

I know it's shit bit now you can enjoy sorting yourself out - and now he's out of the way the path is clear for other, much more wonderful men who DESERVE you and how lovely you are. If you choose to pick one of them that is 🤪😍

Well done OP. You’ve done the hardest part.

Now you can look forward to Christmas with a clean slate and in into the new year.

I wonder if it might be better to meet someone off dating apps.

It seems to be so common on here that once a man is on them, he’s on them forever. The number of threads on here from women of all ages who have found out their long term partner has been ‘active’ without their knowing us two a penny.

Seems to be men’s Achilles heel. They can’t give up on the idea of another bit of skirt, surreptitiously.

Maybe someone who has never entered that world might be more of a good long term prospect?

Most probably it does bother him but he saw it coming as you're probably not the first who dumps him for his bad behaviour. Expect a couple of 'hoovering attempts' in the form of semi- intellectual word salads. Do keep in mind that this charming joker is a very common species in OLD, the dating apps are perfect hunting grounds for them because we have no reference (same with abusers, married men and psychopaths). In a way he's another 'predator type' (albeit a charming one) because he's not being honest and has a clear hidden agenda, he's not really looking for a serious relationship but using the app as a playground (nothing wrong with THAT but be honest). It's for this reason you need to be extremely careful with the dating apps and not get emotionally entangled with these players.

I really enjoyed having a companion. How do others deal with the loneliness?

I'd love to meet someone in real life. Just no idea how that happens now.

It’s a cliche, but try and fill your life with things you love doing. Find your happiness for you without reference to anyone else. Then you’ll be happy and more likely to meet and attract someone.
And it’ll be someone great who augments your life rather than you making them the centre of yours.

I feel like I do that. Went to an exhibition last night, coffee with friends today. Job that I love. Good circle of friends. Great relationships with my kids. I just really like having a special person to share it with, even just talking about our days, sharing a bed, sharing our lives. It feels very lonely on my own. Though less lonely than when I was married to ExH.

Good friends, fun hobbies, quality family time and a fulfilling job, then finding a man is 'icing on the cake' but not a 'must'. Happiness is find within, not in a stranger on the internet man.

Plan events to look forward to.

No one makes you happy but you, it only comes from inside you. The feeling you get with a partner is not happiness, it's a distraction. Partners are a bolt on feature for happiness if they are good partners and a lovebombing manipulator will give you the highs and lows of the heady mixture of a highly toxic relationship and addicting you to drama as much as they are addicted to it. It's all false hope not happiness.

From what you have written here OP is that you give away your emotional control and allow your emotions to be controlled by others. This is by no means unusal but it does give you a fake feeling of happiness while they are twiddling the knobs to guage how far they can manipulate you

People with good self esteem are more attractive to good people, people with low self esteem are attractive to manipulators and other predators.

I agree. I’ve been single 5 years now and I don’t ever feel lonely. I’ve got great friends and a brilliant social life. My life is really busy to point I don’t have time to date, I’ve not got a free weekend until mid Feb.

And I love having my flat to myself. I embrace the peace and quiet and not having to talk to someone after a day at work 😀

@Tex111 I am hearing you. No amount of friends or hobbies makes up for a special person that is just yours. How do people cope? I did do alot of volunteering and charity work to fill void even though I had family, children and a good job with an active social life. It kept my going but when I found my dp, it did fill that void I was missing of companionship in every area. I did actually meet him online and found men my own age or older which I was looking for, were actually full of shit! I am sorry this has happened to you and you made a very brave move ( a lot wouldn’t). Hope you find someone to make you happy x

What @MarkingBad said.

And what I said up above. Find your tribe and focus on your creativity.

Everything else will fall into place.

You have worked out that the most lonely thing is sharing a bed with someone you no longer love who is treating you badly.
Sharing a bed and having a great time with someone who has you awake at 4 in the morning wondering why they are behaving so off is another form of loneliness.
The best thing now, and I know it’s hard, is to have some patience. Some men smell vulnerability in terms of a woman who wants to find someone to share their life worth.
Take some time off from the search.
And then, and only then, don’t jump in with two feet.
This man was telling you recently you have the rest of your lives together. Just words.
The next man needs to earn his space in your world.

Glad you ended it OP, he absolutely didnt deserve you! However I think he’ll try and talk you round so beware.

I think many middle-aged women would love a companion. The thing is, fantastic well-rounded emotionally straightforward hot middle-aged men are a little thin on the ground. Not entirely imaginary, there are a few, but they aren't there in the quantities that make it easy to just slot someone else into that space in your life. I'm not saying don't try, but I've found that initially the loneliness was more acute, but over time I've started enjoying my life lived the way I want it, and although I did do some online dating, the men on there weren't for me right now. Not ruling it out, but there isn't a deluge- so you need to decide what's the most important thing, spending energy and getting your heart broken to seek that companionship, or relaxing a little and saying, it might be out there, but perhaps not now, and it can't be rushed at.

It's a bit like being late thirties and wanting children, it does happen for lots of people, but wishing and willing it doesn't make it so.

I'm a widow, I do get it, but I don't want to have sex and lie in the arms of a idiot or someone I don't respect or someone who is planning to get up to things behind my back.

It doesn't mean forever but I do think you have to be prepared to come to terms with having some peace by yourself for a while and then seeing what happens. I know quite a few middle-aged men and women (or even older) who found someone great, and quite a few who have not. I don't think you can entirely stack it one way unless you want to spend all the time online dating which can be a very stressful experience in itself.

I don't think that's what you want to hear though, OP!

OP, it sounds like you're not doing anything new to increase your chances of meeting someone.

Going to events, meeting friends, going to work, all very nice.

But you need to do something NEW to up to the probability.

What new hobby could you take up? What have you always wanted to try - but never done?

Climbing? Learning to fly a plane? Photography? Golf? Horse-riding? Tennis?

What whispers have you been ignoring because they feel too silly or too much - these are the things you should follow. The things that make you feel alive. Scare yourself a little!

Men can be pretty active and I find those ones the most attractive. They take care of themselves and enjoy some kind of sport. You can find many sports that overlap with men's like a tennis club, badmington, martial arts etc. There are so many possibilities. I'd try something like that if I was looking for someone.

I'd want to find someone who loves doing the same sport or hobby as me so we can have fun together.

Then you get the best of all worlds.

maybe a new course or something? There are so many possibilities.

Also, I think when you want someone and pine for someone, it means you're not ready. It's when life is going great and you're in a really good place, without being needy and vulnerable THAT is when it can happen.

Do you know Lewis Howes? He's really good on relationships and he's on Facebook. I think he could help you a lot to watch a few of his videos.

https://www.facebook.com/lewishowes/?locale=en_GB

Jimmy on Relationships is really good on YouTube also. There's so much good advice and support out there to help reshape your boundaries and your self-worth.

@PlopSofa yes, I don't really have hobbies. I did a degree in 2020 and have been focused on building a new creative career. That's been a big challenge. I've met lots of new people through it, and made some good friends, but no romance. I'm not sure where to even begin as far as hobbies go. I like the idea of something physical. My body has changed shape since the hysterectomy. I have an almost-flat stomach for the first time in my life. Would love to get fitter.

I did date other people before DP, including one guy for 3 months. I ended it with him when I realised he had a drinking problem and I didn't think there was a future. DP was different. I really fell for him.