Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

I've never understood the closure bit. The closure for me was the day I moved out, the last guy ghosted (his loss) but even then after a few months of me feeling sorry for myself I didn't need closure or therapy.

It's going to be a bit of a make or break for you I feel. I dont doubt that things are going well both sides, but he perhaps wants the confirmation from her that the door is well and truly closed in order to pursue things further with you.
I mean, it is what it is. Must be something thats needs to play out in his mind.
Depends on whether you can accept that or not.
I'd say she holds the cards right now on whether this goes any further for you both. Which does suck a bit. Just let him get this weekend out of the way, and things will be much clearer.
In the meantime, treat yourself this weekend, to a spa or meeting with friends. Anything that's not sitting at home and waiting!

Totally this.

🚩🚩's galore

So at the age of 60 he left everything to move to Manchester? Was that for work, how did you meet?

He’s wanting his ex to take ‘responsinlity’ for what she did after all the time? And does the ex-wife know this component? If he’s already left and had another 2 year relationship, what does he want from his ex wife now?
Also, he’s told you he loves you and you are only the fourth person he’s ever said that to? I don’t know him, but I want to tell him to grow up.
He sounds 21, not 61. And I’m in my 50’s, still believe in a bit of romance, but he sounds like he’s living his best life whilst you are confused.
If he wanted to see you this weekend, he could, it’s that simple. You do live in different cities but time is limited. He could easily see his friends, and his daughter, and make time for you.
It is time to reclaim your life OP and stop making yourself so available. He knows full well how you feel.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo It's his recent ex he's meeting up with, I'm wondering if she was an affair partner and the reason his marriage ended. That would make more sense.

I had this ex or exes popping up with DP. They quite clearly wanted a shag.
We broke up after I told him I was not getting involved in a 3-4-way with him and his exes.
In the end, he committed to me and deleted and blocked them all.

I think OP knows the timeline and hasn't implied there was an affair with the ex. I think she gets that he's allowed to be confused same as she is, with the changes in their lives after long marriages breaking up, and dating not going as anticipated. She's having counselling to help her and he's having some for him, so I wouldn't say he's living his best life with no nuance while the OP is in a different boat. Also as someone 12 years younger than this guy and living in London, I feel knackered at the thought of packing multiple visits into one weekend across the city, even without the added factor of travelling down from Manchester. I don't think it's as simple as 'if he wanted to see you, he could'. He's spent every weekend together in a LDR and he wants to see his daughter and others, including one meet-up with this ex which he's been honest about. Of course it makes the mind race through insecure possibilities, but it doesn't sound like he's playing the OP from the way she's framed it and she knows him.

If it doesn't work out, she's no worse off, and there's every chance he does just want to close things on a better note with the ex so he can move on positively. Not everyone needs to do that, but it's not unheard of. Again, I think it's best for OP to trust her gut, see her own friends this w/e and take it as it comes. If it puts the breaks on the whirlwind romance a little, that's really no bad thing. But I do agree with the scepticism that the dating pool is awash with sexy 60yo guys and as there's been no other issues with this one, it's worth waiting and seeing...

Personally I don't think someone who was very keen would pass up the opportunity to see you. I'm also always suspicious of people who want to meet up with exes 'for closure'. It's over with her, he's in love with you, how much more closed can it get? So unless the meeting is to tie up practicalities like selling a house for example, then I'd be inclined to think 'closure' is a euphemism for announcing to his ex he has met someone (subtext being its her last chance to try to get back together) and thats why he won't make plans with you, in case they 'realise they still have feelings'. Ime these closure meet ups are usually about that from one side or the other.

Oh, he'd be in the bin.
Fuck that.
I would ghost him completely.
More red flags than 1 May in Moscow.

My feelings (whether rational or irrational, I don't know) would be that this 'seeking closure' from his ex is just making sure that there's no chance of a reconciliation (from her end), before giving up and moving on with you.

I don't think someone who was very keen would pass up the opportunity to see you.

If he sees her at every chance, it's deemed lovebombing. If he takes a w/e off, it's a sign of not liking her enough. I think it's probably neither extreme and just what he's said it is. OP might find she's glad of the chance to take a breath.

I don't care what labels people attach to these things or how much some arbitrary rules dictate is reasonable. I'm coming at this from a purely human angle. A new relationship, 'in love', honeymoon period, live opposite ends of the country...what do you do when you're in your loved ones town...? Meet up with your ex?

I think it depends what type of person you are. I would find it suffocating to be travelling and spending time every single weekend, with little time to see my friends and family by myself.

That doesn't mean he isn't pulling back, he might well be, but it might be the intensity of it all is a bit much for him and he is wondering if that's the right decision.

If you want to find out either way, then I'd say no more about being 'devastated' he's not coming to yours, I'd say 'have a fab weekend!' and be unavailable on the phone for two days. That way, you aren't sitting in waiting around for him to decide to visit you.

He either is into a future or he is not and I don't think you getting anxious about it (sadly) will change anything. I think being a bit less available and being more getting on with your own life and friends might work better than questioning him about why he wants a break after 12 weekends in a row (which to some people like me would be too much, I don't even want to spend 12 weeks in a row with my own husband).

That’s even worse.
Amd ridiculous. Honestly, sometimes people use ‘therapy’ speak as an excuse to cover up shitty behaviour.
Ask any man and he will tell you this fella is going to see her for a very different reason.

yep just not as into you as you are into him

Thing is, even if he wants to see his ex, you being stressed and pressuring him to come over isn't going to change the outcome. If he's going to go back to her, he's going to go back to her. Clinging to people doesn't work, it makes them get more secretive. You sound fab and he's lucky, so if he's an arse, so be it, but trying to pin him down to see him on Sun night won't make any difference to the outcome. If you feel, having let him get on with it for the weekend, that you can't live with this type of relationship as he's not attentive enough, or you suspect he's trying to rekindle with his ex, I'd decide what to do then.

Closure. Pressure. Stress. Anxiety. Therapists. Counsellors. Ex girlfriend. Tumultuous relationship.

Do yourself a big favour and split up now. You'll save yourself months of this.

I'd say get some more friends, hobbies and fun in your life and leave the dating for a while.

I definitely don't want to cling. That feels shit for me too.

I do really appreciate the different viewpoints. They echo the argument going in my own head. In my gut, I trust him and believe what he's saying. I just don't want to be a mug and I recognise that my radar may be off due to the unhealthy relationship I was in before.

I'll give him the weekend and see. I've got a friend coming to stay and I'm seeing friends today. I'll keep myself busy. Won't ask him to see me on Sunday, just wait and see where his head's at.

I did think it was important to tell him how I feel. In my last relationship my feelings were never respected and I learned to suppress them. I don't want to start that pattern again.

This is exactly what I was thinking!

To be honest, this sounds like a bullshit excuse to me. Sorry.
If he had genuinely moved on and let go of the past relationship, he would not care whether his ex takes responsibility or not. Plain and simple.

OP, you sound lovely but very clingy and hugely invested for only 6 months in.

He is thoughtless in his wording and has unresolved emotions connected with a long marriage.

I think you need to massively step back.
You are making a huge mistake making him your sole preoccupation.

See your friends, build your life, sport, exercise, hobbies, career etc.

Do not allow a man to become your pivet.
You need to make a solid life for yourself that a man will compliment.

Anything else is madness and will end updisappointing you.

Swanbeauty and Snooks, you make some excellent points. I think I'm falling into an old pattern in my marriage (putting my partner at the centre of everything) and that's something I need to deal with. I do find it hard to prioritise myself. Before meeting DP, I had built a happy single life, or was moving in that direction. I definitely do need to go back to prioritising me.

My struggle is that DP is so kind and communicative. My ExH was very defensive. I could never speak to him about my feelings or concerns if they didn't align with his. DP is so much more open and we can talk about things in a way that I couldn't with ExH. He's been very open about meeting his ex for a drink and says that there is no possibility of reconciliation or any hanky panky. That he has no desire to sleep with her, that our sex life is much better than theirs ever was. I find it difficult to believe that he would lie to me so blatantly and thoroughly. But I feel insecure because I don't trust my own judgement.