Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

I agree. You are keener on him and to see him. Up to you if you want to continue ue like this or not.

I would tell him to enjoy his weekend and leave him to make the effort to be the one to keep in touch. He is allowed to see his friends without having to see you.

I expect you won’t hear from him while he’s there.

He says he didn't realise he needed closure until he started seeing me and having serious feelings for me. He says he's seeing her because he doesn't want for old relationship shit to get in the way of us. That he's clearing a path to me.

That all sounds lovely, but I'm so new at this and was in a long, dysfunctional marriage. I don't know what's his issue and what's mine. I had a lot of gaslighting in my marriage, so maybe I'm more jumpy. I just don't know.

I agree with just giving him the weekend but being mindful of things going forwards. Just feeling so insecure.

I'll also say that I do need to focus on my own life more. I've let things slip while focussing on him. Have made a concerted effort to see friends this week and focus on me, which helps.

If he's staying with his daughter, surely he wants to spend some catch up time with her and he (presumably) won't be bringing his ex back there for a shag.

How well do you know his daughter? Has he introduced you to her yet?

The problem is- what if she doesnt take "responsibility" for everything as he wants. Surely she would have done that by now if she was going to?

Hinging your relationship on her response is really unfair to you. Closure comes from within, rarely from another person anyway. If you wait for "closure" from everyone who has ever wronged you, you'll be waiting a bloody long time and will never progress or move forward, you know?

I think it's about his old life and his ex, getting space to see her and friends. Whether it's closure or even possibly the hope of resolving things in some way with his ex it's hard to be sure.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is still processing their last tbh.

I agree with @applepipshake, and think your BF sounds hung up on it all, and it’s not he ex’s problem to fix.

He is risking reopening a can of worms by seeing her. The closure should be that they are no longer together and he moves on.
I usually find when men are really interested in you they forget all about other women so it is a red flag to me.

I haven't met his daughter yet. She's not comfortable with him dating. Still upset about the split between him and her mother which was about 3 years ago. But I have met a lot of his friends and colleagues. He includes me in his life most of the time.

We talked about his ex not giving him the closure he needs. He says he just wants to try once. The relationship sounds very unhappy. He's also going to see the counselor that he saw when that relationship ended. He says being with me has made him realise he still has some stuff to work through.

I wonder at what point I pick up my self respect and walk away. I do really care for him and I think he cares for me. We have such a lovely time together and the sex is amazing. I don't want for it to end but I also don't want to feel this confused.

Honestly it sounds like he’s saying these things as a build up to dumping you. It’s giving ‘It’s not you it’s me’ bullshit.

Step back while he works on these feelings or you’re going to end up very hurt.

Wanting closure with his ex is a red flag.

If he’s truly over her, he’d have moved on and not given her another thought.

Don’t get over invested in him and take the attitude “ I only want to be with you if you feel the same about me”

Wanting to see his ex would be a huge turn off for me.

Don’t get jealous, lose interest and focus on you.

Sounds like you came on way too strong too quickly, sorry. If he was equally into you he wouldn't be going to see his ex!!

It might not be too late, pull back and see him less. And stop texting/calling as much, and definitely stop with the "that hurt my feelings" chat!! Disengage. Be light!

There will be a man who is actually emotionally available to have lovely weekends and great sex with.

Actually I disagree with most of the posters. I think this is a reasonable thing for him to want and I do think you're being a bit clingy. It would be completely different if you only saw each other every few weeks - but you say that you see each other most weekends. It's fine to have a weekend apart.

I'm not saying it's impossible that he's not over his ex. But I'd trust him for the moment.

Agree.

Cool it off and let him realise he might lose you.
Wait and see what happens.

Don’t show too much interest. Make him work for your affection.
Protect yourself from more hurt.

If he still needs a "closure", to me, it means that he never got over her and it's not ready for new relationship. Sounds like you might be his Rebound relationship.... sorry.

You are too invested into this relationship. Take a step back, start dating other people. Never invest more than a person you are dating. It literally put men off

How does the timing work? He split with the mother of his child three years ago and leapt straight into a “tumultuous” two year relationship with the ex he’s meeting this weekend? He split with her a year ago and then he met you 6months ago?

did he cheat on the mother of his child with the ex?

regardless this is a man who doesn’t like being alone, leaping from relationship to relationship. Keep your eyes open.

This can risk them taking advantage and doing whatever they please because you don’t speak up.

I seem to be a lone voice, but if he is seeing you every weekend for 6 months then he clearly is into you. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to spend a weekend away from you with friends, and he is being transparent about seeing his ex. Assuming he works 5 days a week, he is spending almost every day off with you.

I honestly think you are being a bit unreasonable and needy about this, and your insecurity could put him off. London is not an easy place to get around and detour to visit someone if you already have a packed weekend.

Don't let what sounds like a really nice relationship be potentially ruined by jealousy and insecurity.

Clearly, if you genuinely think he wants to hook up again with his ex then that is a different matter,

I don't want to play games. I'd rather just be open and honest.

I think I most agree with GiraffeTree's take. I do believe him deep down and don't think it's unreasonable to not see each other for a weekend, but it stirs up my anxiety and insecurities. Maybe that's just something I need to deal with.

We don't really text or speak on the phone a huge amount. Usually don't text during the day, then a few in the evening. We always say goodnight to each other and speak on the phone maybe 4-5 times a week before bed. When we talk it's usually for an hour or more.

A hour on the phone 4 to 5 times a week is a lot. It all sounds very full on after 6 months. But then you’re older and know what you want etc.

Your just going to have to wait and see how he is after this weekend.

I think I am too invested. I'm going to take a step back, focus on me and my life. I don't really want to date other people. That sounds like adding complication I don't need.

I wouldn't have a problem with him not seeing me for one weekend if he was catching up with friends if you've only been dating a short time.

But the meeting of the ex doe closure is just a load of nonsense. One or both still have feelings for each other and neither have completely moved on or they would not be meeting up.