Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Yes. Know my worth, I definitely struggle with that after a long marriage where I was made to feel very small.

And I'm feeling particularly fragile right now as we're going through mediation where ExH continues to belittle and devalue me and my contribution to our life together.

I think the joy I've felt with DP has also provided a distraction from the pain of going through the divorce process, which has made him more important than he should be at this stage. And that's not really fair to DP or his responsibility in any way. God, I need to pull myself together.

One weekend of not seeing you doesn't matter if he wants to spend time with friends.

Seeing his ex after a year for closure is utter BS. No one is that bothered after 1 year however badly it broke up. Whether he intends to do anything or hopes anything, only he knows but people move on especially when they have met someone they really love, his ex wouldn't matter a jot to him now. I'm not going to second guess his reasons for seeing his ex but I wouldn't trust what he said about closure

Run. To. The. Hills. Fast

He is not over his ex, he’d rather spend time with her than with you, he’d rather spend time with his friends than with you, he has no intention to move to London. He has more red flags than a commie parade.

You need to sit down with pen and paper and write down a list of what you want from a partner, (in general), then write another list of “what would you like to happen” with this guy, memorise that list, then go out for dinner and let him know what you want/expect and see if that’s what he wants too. There’s the geographical problem, how are you going to solve it? Are you planning to be a ‘weekend GF ‘for the rest of your life? You need to start prioritising your needs and know what they are before going into a full blown relationship otherwise it’s going to turn into your old marriage pattern all over again.

You are feeling vulnerable and that is not the right time to allow yourself to be subsumed by a new relationship.
Its not in your best interests at all.

It never will be.
Let your husband sayvwhat ever bullshit he wants, nod away.
Who cares what he thinks.
He was a shit partner and not a good man.
Why care or expect a prick like that to be looking back kindly up your marriage.

Just be glad that you got away, that you found the bravery to get away.
Screw him.

Take back your power and ignore him.

But dont swap one situation where you felt your needs were unmet for another, no matter how much better it may be.

Work hard like you were on meeting your own needs first, and surrounding yourself with friends who you see regularly.
Some form of exercise can be great for meeting new people and increasing your sense of well being.

You deserve someone who values you, meets you where you are at and makes you feel safe.

Someone coming out of a sticky long marriage is unlikely to be that person.

I don't think you're being needy like other people are saying. I think he's making you doubt yourself, talking about pressure and seeing his ex when there's no need.

Yes and a man like this would smell that a mile off. You're worth more than this! Don't beg for someone's love. He sounds a bit rubbish to be honest. I think you should value yourself and recognise your great points. You're not lucky to have him. You're lucky to have each other.

Sorry but he’s very obviously not that into you, and your instincts are telling you that, but you’re trying to suppress them.

If he had both feet in your relationship, he wouldn’t give a toss about closure with her - she wouldn’t even enter his mind.

Be very careful with this man. If it was me, I would chuck him back.

As an aside, you will never know where he slept.

Always have pride and don’t be a mug.

I agree with this, he has played (unintentionally or not) into your insecurities. It could be he is pushing boundaries to see where they lie or he has a particularly poor turn of phrase. There is no need for him talk about feeling pressure to see you unless you are in someway forcing him, and no need to see ex for path clearing duties.

I think OP you are right in letting this weekend go and taking a step back, it all sounds too much too soon and whirlwinding you into confusion.

I am curious though about why a grown up daughter is weird about DF dating? Surely it's nothing to do with her?

Whatever happens I hope you have a fab time with friends this weekend

Gosh, some of these replies are terrifying. I really don't think he's a manipulative liar, but he definitely has issues with choosing his words.

I don't know why his daughter is so funny about him dating. I guess she's still angry about the split and blames him.

You know him best, if he has a poor turn of phrase it could just be that. Anything we come up with comes from a place of our own experience, and therefore speculative. As you know you have to go with what you know of him because you are the one that knows him best here.

I'm asking too much here I know but if you are willing to share, and I fully appreciate you might not want to. Do you know what the split was about?

As I understand it, his ExP fell pregnant a few months after they met. They were together for 27 years, had two children, but eventually grew apart. He grew up working class, she's from a more privileged background and was unhappy with the way their lives worked out. Once the kids left home, they basically lived separate lives until he finally left.

i think some posters always see the worst in men, and will twist it so you end your relationship.

for me, I would not wish to be with someone who behaved clingy, if I had friends and wanted to spend a weekend with them I would not want to be with a man who tried to emotionally manipulate me into seeing him instead, declaring himself hurt etc. that I just wanted time doing other things. For me, I’d end be considering if I could continue and would see it as a huge red flag and I am sure if the genders were reversed, and this was a woman posting her new partner was behaving as you are op, they’d be giving it, dump him. He’s controlling and needy and it is going to get worse.

I imagine his daughter is struggling as in the space of 3 years; her parents split, he's had a 2 year tumultuous relationship and been with you 6 months!!!
It's all a bit much, he's 61 he needs to behave like it and stop running about like a 20 yr old fuck boy, it's pathetic.

I just had to re-read your OP to check that it wasn't the mother of his kids he was visiting.
Are you sure this man is really ready for another serious relationship?
I think it sounds like he needs some time alone to sort himself out and think about what he actually needs, sounds like he's bounced from one relationship to the next!
I would be wary of him tbh and would wonder if he just can't be alone.
It sounds a bit odd and hard work to be spending every weekend with one of you schlepping up and down the country.

We exchanged some texts yesterday, making arrangements for next weekend, and texted goodnight to each other last night. He texted first each time.

He's seeing his ex tonight. I've got friends coming to stay and I bought last minute tickets to Nick Cave tonight, so I'm keeping myself busy.

I hear everyone who's talking about being clingy and I get it, but I disagree. I suppressed my feelings for a man for years. I don't want to do that anymore. I didn't pressure DP to see me this weekend, I just said that it hurt that he would be so close and not want to see me, which is true. I don't want to pretend I feel differently. I don't want to be with someone who can't handle the fact that I have emotions. I did that for 30 years and it broke me.

And to add, I'm not sure you should be in a relationship yet either.
I think you are in a vulnerable state because of your stressful divorce so are unlikely to make the best decisions for yourself.

I think you both need time alone to build up your own lives before jumping into another serious relationship.
Spend time with friends & build up friendships. The danger with your long distance relationship is that you will spend every weekend with him, friends will drift and if you split it will be awful for you.

Seeing his ex to draw a line under it does seem very weird and I'd be suspicious it was a load of old pony.

I agree with this. “Closure” ultimately means it’s still open, let’s be honest.

I don't want to sound unkind at all but please don't see it as "keeping yourself busy" until you can see him again.
I think you are in danger here of putting too much emphasis on this man and this relationship.