Is he just not that into me?

[Tex111]

Dating for the first time in over 30 years. Been seeing a lovely man for almost six months. He's in Manchester, I'm in London. We see each other most weekends and it's been wonderful. I've fallen in love and the feeling is mutual.

He used to live in London and he said recently that he'd like to catch up with old friends next time he's here since for the last few months he's just been seeing me. I said of course.

He usually stays with me but this weekend he's arranged to stay with friends and is seeing a few people. The thing that I find odd is that he's not going to see me at all. If I was in Manchester, I'd want to see him, even if just for a coffee or a meal. Is that weird or am I being clingy? I

The other element of this is that he's seeing his ex while here. He swears there's no chance of anything untoward happening (they split over a year ago, had a tumultuous two year relationship before that) but he wants to speak to her for some closure as things ended badly between them. I do believe him on this. Is that naive?

I've told him that it hurts that he'll be so close but doesn't want to make the effort to see me. He said he could ring me Sunday and maybe stay here Sunday night, but I don't think he really wants to do that. What does that mean??

Yes, I've said these things to myself. I was single for almost two years. Because my marriage was unhappy for so long, I had built up a great support network of friends and they were wonderful after the split, but I missed companionship and, to be completely honest, I missed sex. ExH and I didn't have sex for the last 8 years of the marriage, very little affection or physical contact at all, and I missed it desperately. I think m it was one of his ways of punishing me. For what, I don't know.

When I started dating, I felt very empowered and had a lot of fun and a lot of sex. Then I met DP and as my feelings deepened I realised that I still have work to do.

But you're right, I need to maintain those friendships and have made a concerted effort this week to do that. I've booked in coffees, lunches and drinks for the next few weeks and am going to host Christmas drinks at my place. I need to learn how to hold onto myself in a relationship. I do find that difficult, but I'm working on it.

I think it's fine that he's taking a weekend out. You don't have a contract. London is a big place, travel takes time and if he's got another agenda it doesn't make sense to add more for the sake of seeing you.

Not so sure about him seeing the ex...not in terms of cheating but regards how emotionally available he really is for a relationship with me.

Sounds like the benefit of his not seeing you this weekend is that you have recognised that you were in danger of "getting lost" in the relationship as you say.

It's great that you have made plans with friends going forward, that's really healthy.
Having come out of an unhappy marriage myself I recognise the desire to do it differently and to have the wonderful, close relationship you feel you missed out on but just make sure that desire doesn't cloud your judgement. X

Sadly, I agree. And the “I don’t want to feel pressured to see you” comment would upset me.

This man is in his 60s? I thought he was 20
younger from your posts and by that age they would stop having unfinished business with their exes 😆

Older men have the most baggage unfortunately!

Agree with this. Giving him space is fine.

But for seeing his ex … no !
He shouldn’t need to see his ex. What for ??
What unfinished business ? “ closure “ ??

He doesn’t need “closure”. He’s with you now and it’s supposedly better ! That is closure. Or is it ? He tells you he loves you ? I’d take that with a pinch of salt. His actions don’t match up.More likely keeping you available as an option.Empty words.

Stop being so passive about what he tells you. And feeling “ pressured” to see you ? 6 months into a relationship he should want to see you at every opportunity… especially in a long distance relationship.

Red flags galore here OP.
You’re basically waiting to hear the outcome of whether his ex wants him back or not. In other words … you’re second best.

Sorry you’re experiencing this. You need to take your power back. Realise your worth. Dump and ignore.

You’re confused because he’s not treating you right.

How’s he not treating her right, he’s allowed to see his friends, he’s allowed to see his ex if he’s up front and honest. He doesn’t need to spend all his weekend free time with the op. That’s not treating someone right. That’s a prison sentence.

I agree with this. If he's seeing you every weekend then he won't have been seeing his friends much at all and it's really reasonable that he'd want to spend a weekend with them. You can't stay in the intense honeymoon bubble forever where you isolate from the world and just want to spend all your time together.

If he'd had a good relationship with the ex, ended on friendly terms and still stayed in touch that'd be one thing but a tumultuous relationship where he doesn't feel he's processed it isn't a great sign. Maybe he should have fully processed that relationship before he started dating.

After 6 months she's not wrong to want more of a commitment than what he's offering, or at least to know where she stands. If he was treating her well and leaving her confident in the relationship there wouldn't be all this doubt. Personally speaking when I've been left feeling uncertain it's because something wasn't right. I think it's fair to say he's not fully invested in this relationship and that's fine as long as he is honest about it and OP can then make a decision rather than be strung along.

@Tex111 Tread carefully OP. I'd be sceptical about him seeking closure after 3 years. However I'm very sinical when it involves men.

After 6 months she's not wrong to want more of a commitment than what he's offering, or at least to know where she stands. If he was treating her well and leaving her confident in the relationship there wouldn't be all this doubt. Personally speaking when I've been left feeling uncertain it's because something wasn't right.

Yes - if you sense something off, then you’re generally right.

OP, I assume the weekend in question is this weekend?

Good for you! You are building up your self-esteem with supportive friendships and I'm so glad you are valuing your friends too. However much we love our partner, other important people in our lives are valuable too x

It's not closure after three years though.
His marriage ended three years ago. Since then he had a "tumultuos " two year relationship which is the one he needs closure from.

Judging by the timeline, he must have jumped into that one as soon as his marriage ended.
This is the concern here - that he didn't spend time processing his marriage being over before he had the next relationship and then didn't process the end of that one before starting his relationship with the OP.

For me that's the red flag. Not the fact that he wants a free weekend, that's quite healthy I think. It's this jumping in and out of relationships before he's done the work on himself. If he had done the work, he wouldn't need to be going back to his ex for closure.

Thanks.

Whatever happens this weekend or in the future I hope it works out the best for the both of you.

I agree that the end of the marriage has been tangled up into the end of the two year relationship and made it a much bigger thing. I know the ExP he's seeing today is much younger than him (18 years younger). He was approaching 60 when they met, then they moved to an area of London he'd lived in his 20s. It sounds like the whole relationship was tied up with his own fears of mortality, trying to have a do-over of a life that didn't go the way he'd planned, etc. Plus the end of his long relationship, the splitting of the family.

He says he doesn't want to carry all that baggage into our relationship. That he knows he projected loads of crap onto the ExP, but he wants to see and love me honestly for who I am. All lovely words but I can't help but be wary. My ExH said lovely words sometimes too.

I'm just going to watch and wait. Focus on myself, my kids, my friends, my work, my divorce and see if he can figure it out.

I wouldn’t feel too badly about the weekend spent with his friends, I’ve done similar and been completely head over heels for someone, it was just the logistics of fitting everyone in.
Meeting the Ex though for closure, I would be suspicious of. He maybe leaning into what he’s exploring in therapy or there are still some feelings there whether they be resentment or residual feelings. Whichever, I’d take it as a sign to be prioritising other relationships and my own life.

Nobody, nobody needs to meet up with a 2 year ex for closure.

The age difference I am sorry having been around something similar the lure of a woman that much younger is a huge ego boost for a man of 60.
I am afraid I would leave him to it, and the fact that she is willing to meet him is a red flag for me.

As I said, he’s entitled to space.

He’s not upfront about the ex. This is how he’s not treating OP right. He claims that he loves her then announces 6 months into the relationship that he needs to see his ex for “ closure” Why?

Needing to spend time on his own is perfectly fine.. Wanting to see the ex is not.

If the ex gf was a good friend, I would understand why he would want to catch up but he wants to get ‘closure’ and to me it sounds he is not over her yet even if he would like to be

Maybe rationally he knows you are the best option but his emotions are still with her - he wants to see her to gauge how he feels and then decide how to handle the relationahip with you, even if him and the ex don’t get together

That is my take
Hope there is an update

I've thought this exact thing, that he wants to love me, is maybe trying to talk himself into loving me, but still has feelings for the ex. We've actually discussed it and he says that his feelings for me are real, while his feelings for the ex were a type of madness. I think I'm just going to have to wait and see if his actions align with his words.

He texted me earlier to say he was thinking about me.

I think see how it goes but perhaps dial back a bit on the "every weekend" thing and putting everything on to this relationship.

Pursue your own life a bit at weekends too - which it is sounds like you are from what you posted earlier. It will stand you in good stead if it doesn't work out and might make him realise he can't take you for granted.

Yes, I was looking at the diary today and we'll see each other less for the next few months because of work and family commitments leading up to the holidays. I don't think that will be a bad thing.