New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Your children deserve better than someone in their lives who doesn’t really want them there…

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a massive bellend to me. Flaky, manipulative, dishonest. I think you should cut your losses now before you get really hurt - or your children do.

The first one nails it

So he's now your ex-partner. Right?

You and your DC come as a package. If this man doesn't want that package and just wants one part of it, he needs to go. Your DC deserve better than that and you, as their DM, need to stop prioritising this selfish man and prioritise them.

Well that means you can't accept him then.

Call it a day. What does he expect you to do with your kids? Stuff them back up your vagina? You're a package deal

Goodness, you already know the answer, @Flossyrocks

You'll have to dispense with the boyfriend.

Well maybe you can sell them on eBay while they’re still young & cute?

What does Bob suggest you do with your children that he can’t accept?

I wouldn’t go out with man who didn’t like my dog.

Do you live together and how old are your children OP?

I appreciate he's being honest. I don't think these things just go away and he'll come round. The children will always know and it's incredibly cruel to them to sense this. I appreciate you deserve a life but I could never be ok with this admission whilst raising children.

If you are both happy with meeting up and doing things occasionally outside the home, separate from the children, then that could be different.

He says he isn't comfortable so I'm not sure what he's saying should happen going forward seeing the children can't be removed from the equation

Sounds like he is punishing you for having the audacity to reproduce with someone else.

He needs to go, like yesterday.

What does he expect you to do?? Give them
to charity! You can’t be madly in love with someone who doesn’t like your most precious things and is leaving you on hot coals while he decides. It’s not easy taking on someone’s children, that’s true (I’m a stepmum), but he sounds a bit selfish and sulky. You’ve got enough kids to look after already..

He's annoyed you didn't stay together back then. So instead of being happy and grateful your paths have crossed again he's wishing your children away? Nope. Years of misery lie ahead with him. Not worth it.

What does he want you to do - give them up for adoption? They exist. If that’s a problem for him, that’s a problem for him.

This was exactly what I was going to say - and also, he actually isn't as great as you think he is.

When my kids were young I tried to kid myself for a while that I could have a relationship with a man who didn't want to take my kids on - but in reality I really needed support and my kids needed a loving father figure.

How can it even be a question? How can you even be entertaining Bob knowing he doesn't want you kids as part of the package. Tell him to do one and then breathe a sigh of relief.

I will definitely always put them first. And it’s not that he doesn’t like them, when he’s around them he’s kind and funny and he makes an effort. We don’t live together and he knows they’re not going anywhere. But yes it doesn’t change the fact that he’s uncomfortable with the situation

He wants the old you, the you before your relationship with your ex. Those children are a constant reminder that you didn't chose him and he will be resentful - far more so than a man you didn't have any history with and who didn't know you pre children.

He doesn't want to have a partner with children, you have children, so the relationship ends.

He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now

Another red flag. You only dated for a couple of months years ago. And now suddenly this is a problem years later - a problem entirely of your making, is what he's implying?

It sounds like you're desperate to win his approval or feel good enough for him. Does he make you feel like that?

Assuming your kids spend time with their father, you could have your relationship with this guy purely in your own time, it doesn't have to be either/or. But I would carefully consider if this person is actually making your life better.

If you're looking for long term and serious, tell him to sling his hook.

If you're looking for just something casual when you aren't with the children then crack on.

What I would say is there are many people who have a relationship separate to their children for many years with no intention of moving in. Which is probably a good thing rather than just move any old joe in.

I'd always be wary of introducing any men into kids lives and especially living with them if not been together years already.

I suppose he's been honest but is this really what you envisioned for yourself?

Your kids don't need someone flakey.

But what exactly is he uncomfortable about? Have you pinned him down on this because I bet his true answer will make you see him in a very different light.

Get rid. You and the children deserve much better. What a dick he is.

Get out, get out now. My friend had a relationship with a man who wasn't interested in her kids. Never lived together. Never married. It's over now and only now she sees it was unhealthy.

This is a fundamental that isn't going to change. Best to end it now.