New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

He’s hardly your “partner” with that attitude.

@LivingOnTheVeg no you’re right. He is not my partner

As the adult child of a woman who chose to get rid of the DCs instead of the guy, please walk away. It’s affected my self esteem my whole life and I am still trying to recover. And yes, I have no care or respect for my ‘mother’ now.

@marriednotdead im sorry that’s very sad your mum did that. As I’ve said before in the thread I have no intention of putting a man before my children they will always be my priority.

@Flossyrocks it might not seem it but I'm sure there will be someone else in your future who loves you and likes your kids.

I stayed single because of my own childhood experience and other issues but I know it works very well for my child dad who has a partner who is the most wonderful stepmum I could have wished for for my child.

It may be better to date someone who was also a parent once this one goes 🤞. The way they treat their children, talk of their ex wives/ partner will also give you a great deal of information about them.

If you're someone who falls head first and develops very strong feelings quickly and also has some red flags that you aren't seeing, you have to be incredibly careful. This is like a magnet to controlling, abusive men.

I'm afraid love doesn't conquer all Op, if he isn't comfortable with the idea of living with your DC and wants DC of his own then logically this relationship isn't going anywhere. I know what you want us to say but just imagine, he moves in, you have a DC and he adores them but pays no attention to your older DC, you won't be happy, your DC won't be happy and it could really mess them up emotionally. Say goodbye and let him find what he wants elsewhere

@Tittat50 i definitely need to be more careful next time. I was too trusting and he said all the right things.

@Flossyrocks well I think you're doing alright. You didn't move him in, ignore it and just hope it would go away. Many would.

It takes time and experience to see your own vulnerabilities.

That love bombing and he played the long game now he’s showing you who he really is.

Did he honestly think you’d ship off the kids to dad not all women think like that but some do sadly. Don’t be one of them as he’ll change tack. Don’t fall for it.

Wouldn’t it be better to be alone than with an arse of a man who doesn’t like your kids as this will affect their mental health and they will never forgive you

I have step kids and they never forgave their mother for what she did. Full of promise's,full of big plans and all BS. She dumped them all for a man. Who after a year dumped her. She then tried the emotional manipulation but by then it was too late and she was met with take us to court and take your chances.

This was 18 years ago

He’s been trying to come to terms with having the 3 of us in his life and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

Well this is your answer isn't it?

Bob wasn't the right person in the past and he's obviously not the right person for you now either.

You are a package with your children and he can't just separate you out alone and "discard" the children so sadly you will need to discard Bob as he is the one who is dispensable in all of this.

At least you are discovering all of this now and not further down the line.

I too would be wary of somebody showing resentment about the past and the present. You can't change the fact that the two of you broke up previously and you can't change the fact that you now have children. He seems to have quite a bit of resentment over issues that are completely out of your control.

Bob is not sounding as wonderful as you believe him to be. But at least he has been honest so at least you know where you stand here.

Start to think with your head and not your heart.

He doesn't genuinely love you, or he certainly doesn't love you as much as he loves himself.

If he did, he would accept your DCs under all circumstances.

They are part of you and should be part of the package without hesitation. There can be no grey areas.

His resentment of you is also very worrying. I don't think it's normal behaviour. He should be happy and walking on air, now that he's got you, but he resents you.

Maybe all those years ago, you sensed something was very wrong.

I think this is a really useful reflection and you know where you stand.

I would add that for many people, they have rose tinted specs about the one who got away. That and very few people imagine themselves as marrying someone who already has kids if they have none themselves? Especially men I suspect. So he may just need more time and we might be rushing to judge that he hasn't enveloped you all in a huge welcome and wiped his mind of his own hopes and mental expectations immediately. Blended families are tricky.

In the meantime, I'd suggest you are brutal to be kind to both of you. You all come together, your children will always be your priority [as will his to him in due course] and he should look for someone more suiting his expectations. Being a parent means that your own and that of your partners needs fly down the priority list. He might think he wants kids but it sounds like he is showing you he expects to be number 1 not number 3 [or even 4/5 eventually].

Sending hugs flossyrocks. Ive been following this thread intently. I hope some good advice gives you the strength to make the decision you need to. You should see him as a stepping stone to better things. Sometimes we need to go through something to grow and this sounds like one of those life lessons we dont want at the time but help us in the future. Once you find the strength to break it off you will feel sad at first but it will show you the strength you have inside you.

Thank you @YourRubyLion it’s so difficult when what I thought would be a happy ending turns out to be a difficult lesson but I will try to think of it as a positive stepping stone

@Flossyrocks you have no real choice here, if he's not into your kids, then there's no other way than to break it off. The reminding of the past thing would be the red flag though to me.

I think people can struggle with step kids, if there are exes around or you aren't planning having more of your own. But best to find someone who accepts you all.

If you love him let him go and start a family of his own. It’s a massive deal to take on someone else’s children whether you’re male or female.
Just be happy for the good times you had while it was all fresh and exciting but the reality is your children need you to put them first. You might have better luck with a man who already has his own and you can blend a family together.

@Flossyrocks I'd also add that my partner is someone who I've slowly introduced to my children and he's accepted that without their happiness, it can't really work for us. It was a major step and although no plans for moving in together or having children, it seems to be working out.

Sometimes you want a relationship that just can't work.

You can't put him above your kids (unless they are adults and being stupid about it. Even then, be careful...).

He doesn't want to be a stepdad. It sounds like he wanted to try, but has realised it isn't for him. He's being honest with himself.

He wants his own kids. Therefore, a "separate lives" arrangement where you just see each other when the kids aren't around isn't on the cards.

You are just incompatible.

He won't accept yout kids and he therefore needs to go.

He sounds petty, selfish and unreasonable. I mean exactly what does he think you're supposed to do with the kids he can't accept? Sell them on ebay?

I couldn't love or even like a man like that. He's a childish dickhead.

Absolutely mind boggling that you are even posting this. Personally, he would be out of the door. Why would I want to be with someone who has to come round to the idea of tolerating being around my kids?

I feel really sorry for your children, honestly. It should be a no brainer

Exactly this, my dp has kids and he’s always been accepting and I introduced them slowly.

So not a particularly great guy after all then!

OP I do get it. When you're single and everything falls to you, someone who can bear some of the weight alongside you seems like an amazing prospect. I think that's harder to let go of than the man, at times.

Wishing you all the best.

Believe him. If he’s made himself clear that he won’t accept you and your children, then there is no partnership if it doesn’t include all of you. (I've intuitively channeled this answer for you. It's what I do. Hope it helps!)

If you love someone, you will accept all of that person, including the life that comes with them. As you’re feeling “desperate” in this situation, not wanting to leave him because you “love him”, you’re insisting that he behave in a way he doesn’t want. So what do you love, really? Do you love a person who blames you and won’t accept you as you are, as a mother? Or do you think you love the idea of having someone who you feel a connection that you enjoy? There isn’t just one person we can enjoy good feelings around. You will find someone else. Hopefully, you’ll consider not settling for someone who doesn’t accept you.

But if you do find yourself in that situation, over and over, settling for a partner who won’t accept you and your children, reflect on what you’re not giving to yourself. Whenever there is a pattern in a relationship, in this case self-sacrifice, desperation, and fear of letting go, these emotions will show up in other areas of life too. Leave this partnership for the sake of your happiness and motherhood. Reflect on the lessons that are here for you. Heal the emotions coming up that are showing up in this relationship, and are likely omnipresent in the rest of your life. You and your children deserve to be loved and accepted. But first you must learn to love and accept yourself, healing the thoughts and emotions that are unhealed so you will bring in people who won’t care if you have a family or not. They will be able to love you completely.

We canty control how we feel - but we can control our behaviour.

Whatever we think about his attitude, he has at least told you the truth about how he feels now, and not kept it a secret that would ooze out years later and cause chaos.

As soon as you knew he has issues there you should have placed your children first and waved him off to go and look for someone who hasn't any.

Hanging on to him could have bad consequences for them.