New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Anyone can put on a show when it's early days. My stepfather was the soul of kindness before he moved in, couldn't do enough for us, really charmed my mother with his lovely fun caring persona. Fast forward a couple of years, throw in puberty and financial pressures and the general grind of family life...it wasn't pretty, OP. And we are all NC with our mother now.

This isn't the man for you, throw him back. It's not even an option to wait and see if he 'changes his mind' and tolerates your kids, it's a hard no, you need to put them first.

I do feel very silly. I love him too much for it to be casual. I know I should walk away but I can’t stop thinking what if I stay and it all works out and he comes around

He's trying to make you feel grateful he's putting up with them. Make you feel like he's amazing he's not like other men.

He's a peice of poo. Ltb

This isn’t going to work. He will grow to resent your children if he doesn’t already. And on top of the normal step parent resentment is a whole other layer of them reminding him you left him the first time round.

I don't think he will come around. I dated someone for over 18 months who couldn't cope with my son and it was horrific.

Your children deserve better. Even if he ‘comes around’, you’ll be on edge, trying to minimise the impact they have on his life.

You made a choice. You chose children. They need to be your priority.

Does he need to be involved if you don't live together?

Why do you love him so much though? He sounds at best honest about his doubts, at worst like an utter cock. You really don't need him in your life, just get a grip and don't go any further down this dead end.

He won't, he will use them as a stick to beat you with over and over, if he were a decent man who still didn't want to deal with step children he would leave you already because a decent man would know that you all come as a package deal and it would be cruel to dither about like this.
This revelation and his behaviour is all intentional, designed to guilt trip you and hopefully get you to pick him over the children, punishing you for leaving him before.

He is actually a nasty piece of shit, you shouldn't have any nice feelings whatsoever for him.

He doesn't accept your children, probably as they're a reminder you had the audacity to have sex with another man after him. He sounds like a misogynistic arsehole and will be forever picking holes whether it's about this or something else. How can you possibly come back from this?

And what if he hates your children and makes their lives hell because he resents them/you for having them BUT makes an effort and is funny and kind to them in front of you?

He's not going to come around. He's told you he can't accept you have children. Believe him.

Your kids would still be at the bottom for both of you, give your head a shake! It's tough I no, but this guy is not the one.

See ya Bob 😂
fuck that, my kids come first Bob

Why on earth do you want a relationship with a complete bellend who resents your children and chat get over the fact you proceeded with another man?

Sorry but the gushing about his much you love him sounds very juvenile and needy..

I can’t fathom his you can even think about continuing to date someone who cant accept your children as part of the package deal that comes with being your partner.

Your kids are your number one priority not this selfish respectful prick

Accept nothing less than a man who sees your children as a bonus.

When my DS was little, my DH (not DS's dad) used to half jokingly say that if we ever split up, he would be taking DS with him.

That's the bar

Your children’s wellbeing is more important than kindling a new (or rekindling an old) relationship.

If he's not on board with your children then it's not really "you" he is wanting a relationship with. It's a fantasy version of you who never split up with him and never had kids. He only likes you when he can pretend you are that woman, who doesn't exist.

Meanwhile the version of him that you love doesn’t really exist either. It's someone who looks like him but has a reasonable personality and isn't so selfih.

You split up with him before - that was a good call. This is not the one.

I do feel very silly.

Well listen to that feeling - it is indeed correct.

Well the obvious answer is to ditch your children. After all they do have another parent who can look after them while you spend the rest of your life atoning for it not working out the first time.

If that isn't sounding like super fun, try ditching him instead and work your way through the heartbreak. How on earth is it going to work out when he doesn't want you to have kids and blames you for not being with him for a large chunk of years?

What about the damage done to your kids while you wait for something that will never come?

If you previously split after 2months when there were no kids in the mix, it seems unlikely to work out now.

Your. Kids. Come. First.

Get rid of this man before his resentment of the children becomes more obvious. He sounds like an arse!

You’ve been together a year. He is your boyfriend not a partner.

He has told you he cannot accept your children and is resentful you broke up with him years ago.

If he had any more red flags he’d be bunting. He will never come round but that’s a handy way of him keeping you on your toes and controlling the relationship. You are not madly in love, you are likely lonely and need to work on your self esteem and boundaries. Dating, and dating with kids, as you get older, is hard but no relationship is worth being with someone who can’t accept you have kids.

I would like to hear your kids or an outsiders view of how funny and lovely he actually is with them

@BirthdayRainbow that’s a bit below the belt, they know him as my friend and he doesn’t see them more than once a week so I don’t really see how it will damage them

Genuine question. I assume that your love for your children is like no other. If that's true, then how could you possibly be so in love with someone who doesn't accept them? Is that not massively off-putting to you?

The fact that you're feeling desperate about this tells you all you need to know. This is not healthy love, it's toxic and one-sided and you only feel desperate because his attention makes you feel validated. You need to get that validation from yourself.

Don't wish to sound judgy at all. But as a mother you need to take responsibility for not just your feelings but also those of your children,