New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Just don't set up home with him. Many couples have a good relationship without living together. If he doesn't live with your kids, he is not responsible for them and there's no reason why he should be. However he might come to like them as he gets to know them.

See how it goes. At least the guy is being honest. A lot of couples who have children get together and it's a disaster, neither realised what living together as a family would mean. He has misgivings now and that is sensible.

"He wants the old you, the you before your relationship with your ex. Those children are a constant reminder that you didn't chose him and he will be resentful - far more so than a man you didn't have any history with and who didn't know you pre children."

Yep. You know that saying that you can never cross the same river twice- because when you cross it again, both you and the river will be different. He can't have the old you back, you have grown.
He's all resentful that you split up the first time- well- that you dumped him, his fragile ego can't handle it. You went out for 2 months. Longer than Liz Truss, shorter than the bloody lettuce...and he's still stewing over it and pissed off that you didn't use his magical sperm to make babies. In his dream scenario, your children wouldn't exist. They would just be magicked away. Fick that.

Are you already getting support with your MH?

From the way you talk about this man, it sounds like your self esteem is very low; that comes from somewhere and it would help you to address it.

All the stuff you think you feel about him - it’s just projection. Nothing to do with him. You’ve got a bunch of feelings which need to go somewhere and they’re landing on him. But he’s not this great guy at all, he’s a prize knobhead, a manipulative, unloving arse.

What you need is not to hang on to this turd in the mistaken belief it’s really a diamond. You need the mental health support to enable you to see it for the turd it is.

Do consider reaching out for this. You can do the Freedom Programme online, which might be a good place to start, and would help you recognise just how harmful this man is. You might be able to access other support via your GP, if you’re not already doing so.

This is what you need to be focusing on, not this fake “great love”. You and your DC deserve so much better.

Well this is categorically insurmountable. And he wants you to dump him btw, so he's not the bad guy dumping you. (Even though nothing's changed, you had those same kids a year ago!) Just go ahead and do it and block the twat.

F#ck Bob. He's led you down a path and is now acting selfish. He sounds like a d'ck and you and your children deserve better. He knew the score. He is an adult and should have thought this through before creating this impossible situation. Test his metal and stand your ground. You are wasting time in Bob when you could be finding someone who is all in.

No doubt about it, get rid of him. Children first always!

You know the answer. Get rid

I get it - it’s hard to let go. But, imagine how your kids would feel being resented and treated like an inconvenience. Be strong for your kids. You all deserve better xxx

Bye Bob, back in the sea.

I agree. I think it's difficult. DH and I have now been together almost 13 years, we got married 2 years ago.

But the first 5 years together lived separately. DS were 5 and 7 when we met. They always liked him and there were never any issues with them getting on.

But he had never wanted children and he and his ex wife and him and decided not to have children. He'd never known any children in his life either really, so it was a completely new world to him.

I was sure he truly loved me, but it took time for him to get used to the idea of a life he hadn't anticipated. Sometimes it was important for him to be able to talk about his doubts and how he was feeling.

He was committed to our relationship and gradually started spending more and more time with all of us and realised it was OK.

By the time he moved in, he was ready for the commitment involved and for many years was the main breadwinner for all of us, as he earns a lot more than me.

He's still the love of my life, and I feel has been brilliant for my family.

I'm not sure if I'd have found it easy if he'd had children too. He had a dog, which took a lot of getting used to for me, not being a dog person.

But we loved each other and gave each other space to figure things out, stuck with it and it worked out in the end. If I ask him if it was all worth it, he says it was and he's happy with me.

So what does "Bob" expect you to do with your children. They arent returnable to sender. Bin him off.

OP, whenever a stepfather is invited into the mix, there is a 100-fold increase in the likelihood of violence towards children.
Please, I urge you to put your children first.

This relationship has red flags written all over it.

Fuck him. Your children always come first.

Edited: I mean fuck him as in he can fuck off.

If he supposedly wants his own kids then it sadly doesn’t sound like children in general are a barrier, he just doesn’t want to be a father figure to your kids.

Best that he’s honest now. Please don’t push him to change his mind because your kids will be the ones who will suffer. You don’t say how old they are but I assume under 18? If so your decisions will really impact them and I’d urge you to think of them rather than your own need for a boyfriend who has said clearly and openly that he doesn’t want them in his life and wants you to prioritise him.

Put your children first and stop dreaming of a fairytale love story. Your poor children have had 2 hellish years so why are you dragging this out. Get rid of him and stay single for a few years if you are serious about putting your children above your love life. Poor souls.

Your children must come first, it really is that simple.

Frieda Lawrence gave up custody of her children to marry D.H. Lawrence. She'd have been banned from keeping them legally due to her adultery, but essentially chose to abandon them, for her new husband.

I found this fact astonishing but I think some women are capable of it, especially if they put their emotional connection with a new man first.

It looks like you need to make a choice and I hope you choose your children over him. It is better that he is honest, rather than deceitful and tricking you into thinking he will be a good step-dad and then not being, but he sounds like a selfish man-baby.

Long and short of it is - decisions were made and life happened - if he can’t accept this then he knows where the door is.

I'm sorry OP, this must be really tough. The reality is that this is not your decision, its his, you can give him two options and he needs to decide. Sometimes we embark on things that we genuinely believe we can do, and genuinely want to do, to only realise that its not right for you.

He has been upfront and honest but if he is struggling, then its his decision to make, and you need to explain that. He is either fully in (you come as a package - you and the kids) or he is out - there will not be a relationship that does not include your children. If you continued the relationship without him accepting the kids as his, you will never be satisfied and your kids will suffer. How could the relationship go anywhere, what if he wants kids???

I don't say this lightly OP, its not an easy thing for you to have to do, but give him a time frame in which to make his mind up or you end it.

This doesn't make him a bad person as he is being honest about his feelings but your kids have to come first and you know this.

This is how you know this relationship is over. He has said he wants kids. Just not your kids. Therefore, he doesn't want you as you come with your kids. The only way he can have kids and not have your kids as well, is to have kids with someone else. He is telling you he wants out by saying this. Unless you want to give up your kids and go and have more kids with him. Which I doubt. So the only option is to end it and let him free to go and have his own kids.

This. The fact that he claims to resent you for splitting up with him all those years ago is not just a red flag, it's bunting. I suspect nostalgia is making you look at this man with rose-tinted specs. He's not a nice guy. Don't be that mother, put your kids first and hold out for a decent man who doesn't bring this drama with him.

Someone I know ( well but I know the family) gave her children up to be with a man who lived 200 miles away. Her DC were 14,12,9 and 6.

That was 20 years ago. 2 of them now have a superficial relationship with her but the middle 2 have never forgiven and remain NC. All 4 have struggled over the years. Its definitely affected their MH in various ways.

Bob is your ex, not your partner. All I sense is doom. If not for the relationship, then for your children.

You need to dump him.
He's asking you to choose between him and your children.

This. It's perfectly possible and can be great. You get time with him when the children are with their dad. You are both happy. He can see the children, be a positive feature in their lives occasionally but he doesn't move in and play daddy. Better all round, ( as long as he doesn't want his own children with you). I wish more people did it.

He wants the old you, the you before your relationship with your ex. Those children are a constant reminder that you didn't chose him and he will be resentful - far more so than a man you didn't have any history with and who didn't know you pre children.

100% that. And the old you does not exist, and never will, because your children will delays be your children.