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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

267 replies

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 20:24

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

OP posts:
Mrssmith3 · 03/11/2024 21:46

You split for a reason the first time round. He sounds like he is holding it against you. You have children thats not going to change. He isn’t the man for you if he can’t accept them. They are a huge part of who you are.

TickyBooo · 03/11/2024 21:46

As someone who grew up with a step parent, you can tell when they don't like you. I wouldn't put my children in this position knowing how it feels.

Dragonsandcats · 03/11/2024 21:48

He doesn’t want your kids around, your priority is your kids. Dump him. You could always try again when the kids have grown up and left home but sounds like he’ll never want you to have that tie.

echt · 03/11/2024 21:51

Your children know him as my friend
He's not your partner, he's a not very nice boyfriend.
Bin him off.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/11/2024 21:51

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

Oh it just gets better and better.
Dump him.

Xtraincome · 03/11/2024 21:52

Bob sounds awful, OP. Get rid and prioritise your children

DrizzleMySwizzle · 03/11/2024 21:53

Bob needs to become an ex again.

cheezncrackers · 03/11/2024 21:53

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

Right, so that's why he's punishing you for having them with someone else. OP, do yourself a favour and end this now. He doesn't want your kids - he wants to turn the clock back and have you and for you to have his kids. Toss him back. He's not the one. And if you're struggling with your MH, go and see your GP and get some help.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/11/2024 21:54

Obimumkinobi · 03/11/2024 21:22

NOB needs to go. Your MH won't improve by stringing this difficult situation out. You're just wishing for a different outcome, whilst your (and your kids') actual life passes by.

Also, I'm genuinely sorry if this sounds harsh, but it doesn't matter at all if you love NOB with every fibre of your being and you can't imagine ever being parted from him because he doesn't want your kids.
Plenty more NOBs in the sea, OP.

Edited

Bluntly your children should trump your love of NOB and knob.

CrabSignalArmy · 03/11/2024 21:54

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

Shit. Well you need to cut him loose right now because this man is going to be an awful step-dad and will make your children feel like unwelcome second-class citizens in their own home, and this will be made even worse if they have a baby sibling who gets all the acceptance and love that they are denied. Do not get pregnant by this man.

Laalaalaand · 03/11/2024 21:56

He sounds like a right dick.

Your children should come first.

HarkALark · 03/11/2024 21:56

Bob will make your kids' lives hellish whilst prioritising any of his own. Don't put cock before your kids OP. You (and most assuredly your kids) deserve far better.

Sixpence39 · 03/11/2024 21:57

If he doesn't want your kids he doesn't want you.

Kestrelsky72 · 03/11/2024 21:57

I think he could be a controlling narcissist OR he is trying to break up with you - but instead of taking responsibility for that he is shifting blame to your (inescapable) situation. Either way he sounds like a game playing, emotionally stunted red flag. Please just end things with him, do NOT let him get you pregnant in the meantime, and try and find a way to be happy single. I bloody love being a single mum (even though I never wanted to be one). Get some help if you are feeling emotionally fragile.

Wolframandhart · 03/11/2024 21:58

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

But he doesn't want the responsibility of kids…

or, he doesnt want you to have kids, will make your life difficult by how he mistreats your kids and will treat them so badly compared to his own. Why is this even a question?

He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago
Sounds like a massive string of red flags.

NoisyDenimShaker · 03/11/2024 22:01

I see a lot of posts where there's something fundamentally wrong or unfeasible about the relationship, but the poster always says how well they get on together and what a wonderful time they have together, etc.

I say it doesn't matter how well you get on together in the moment, there's a glaring incompatibility. So you get on well and have a great laugh. Big whoop. There'll be lots of other people you get on well with too. I've known loads of people, men and women, with whom I've got on like a whole city on fire. Didn't stop some of them being enormous see-you-next-Tuesdays at a later date. Because it's about who they are, not how well you get on today. This man resents your children and therefore has a mean, cold, stone for a heart.

He's not the one.

Plus he's blaming YOU for the past! He needs to be tossed out via a well-placed winkle-picker in the bum. Bloody nerve.

Also, why does he think he can say stuff about your kids to you like that? He's not only showing coldness and meanness towards children, he's showing a total lack of respect towards you. I suggest you let him know how wonderful you think your children are, that they're the best part of you, and how lucky any partner would be to have such amazing children in his life.

Bonus: He'll probably dump you and you won't have to bother!

If I had kids, and a partner didn't want them around, I would take that as a deep insult to me as well as to the kids.

adriftinadenofvipers · 03/11/2024 22:02

"He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now".

Wasn't he part of the decision not to stay together?

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 03/11/2024 22:03

Fuck that he’d be dumped no matter how much I loved him.

he sounds a right needy fukker and not in a good way either.

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 22:04

@adriftinadenofvipers it was me who made the decision to stop seeing him the first time round. He was perfectly nice I just didn’t really feel much of a spark back then.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 03/11/2024 22:07

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 21:15

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

So he can't handle the responsibility of you having kids but wants some of his own? By the virtue of them being yours and not his, he's less responsible for them than he would be his own.

God help the idiot who has kids with that man.

Resentment is building, honestly I think you should trust your old instinct on him. If you'd stuck around you'd likely still be there childless being strung along because he isn't 'ready'.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 03/11/2024 22:08

He’s feeling resentful = he’s got to go. That won’t improve.

Wolframandhart · 03/11/2024 22:09

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 22:04

@adriftinadenofvipers it was me who made the decision to stop seeing him the first time round. He was perfectly nice I just didn’t really feel much of a spark back then.

Have you gone back to him because it is familiar and easy?

QuarterHorse · 03/11/2024 22:09

He needs dumping for the sake of your children as well as yourself. He sounds immature and to be honest, quite unpleasant.

ARichtGoodDram · 03/11/2024 22:11

Flossyrocks · 03/11/2024 22:04

@adriftinadenofvipers it was me who made the decision to stop seeing him the first time round. He was perfectly nice I just didn’t really feel much of a spark back then.

The fact he resents you for that will eventually destroy your relationship even if you did ignore his dislike of your children being around.

Walk away now while it stings, but doesn't destroy multiple lives.

Drinkdrinkduuurink · 03/11/2024 22:11

Marblesbackagain · 03/11/2024 20:28

The first one nails it

It often does.

It's not fair on your kids OP.