New partner doesn’t know if he can accept my children

[Flossyrocks]

I think I already know the answers I’ll get to this but I love my partner so much (let’s call him bob) and am feeling desperate. We dated briefly a long time ago but went separate ways after a couple of months and I met my ex about a year after. We had 2 kids together and separated 2 years ago. Last year me and bob rekindled and I have never felt a connection like it and he feels the same (supposedly). At first he was absolutely not phased by the kids and it wasn’t a problem at all he was ready to take us all on. Fast forward a year and now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now. I want it to work so badly but am I mental to wait it out and hope he changes it mind or do I just call it a day.

Just quoting because this bears repeating 👆

If you can’t be casual, then you have to end it, this is a no brainer.

you might love him, but sometimes love isn’t enough

Spot on!

Just get rid of him.

SOooooooo many red flags:

"... now he doesn’t think he can handle the responsibility. He brought it up a couple of months ago that he’s not comfortable but he wants me in his life so we’ve tried to muddle along but it hasn’t improved. He’s also started feeling resentful that I didn’t stay with him all that time ago considering how well we get along together as a couple now."

• What "responsibility"? You don't live together - he's your boyfriend - he doesn't have to maintain them.
• What situation is he "uncomfortable" about? That you can't drop everything at a moment's notice to be with him because you have children? Well, as you wrote, "they're not going anywhere".
• Now he's feeling resentful about your previously failed relationship (of just two months!) from "a long time ago"? Why, if you get on so well now?

Sorry OP, but he's preparing to end your relationship and is just drip-feeding his excuses to you. He isn't going to "come around" and it won't "all work out". Take your courage and self-esteem in both hands and end it - before he does.

Get rid!

Just walk away , how can you be ‘in love’ with someone who is huffy about your children taking up your time ? You need to get your priorities in order

Your children deserve better. Even if he ‘comes around’, you’ll be on edge, trying to minimise the impact they have on his life.

This is a very important point from @CrystalSea. You will always be worrying about their behaviour and whether they're going to be too much for him and push him away.

He can’t just put up with your kids because he wants you, you and your kids deserve someone who will love you all.

Well, what options does Bob says there are?

I expected a response like this. They'll see you sad, they'll sense it. Kids are more astute that you realise.

@BirthdayRainbow is spot on. Kids aren't stupid. They are attuned to your emotional state and they know what it means when mum has a male "friend"

I know you’re all 100% right. I am struggling mentally and I think that probably makes the situation worse.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a man (or woman) being honest and saying they've given it a go, but don't want a relationship with someone with children.

However, I don't like his "resentment" that things ended the first time round. That's firmly in the past. He shouldn't still be punishing you for it or bringing it up.

He's been honest about how he feels about the kids. So there's only really one option. Which I suspect you already know.

But such is life I'm afraid. A relationship doesn't exist in a 2 person vacuum. And so good relationships end all the time because of external circumstances. Long distance, culture clash, family issues, different goals, kids...

It's tough. We get it. But some of us have been the kids in this scenario, others of us have been the woman.

I did not read your post but I already know that Bob needs to go.

You and your kids deserve better. Cut your losses here

Does he have to be involved with your children?. If you don't live together can you not just see each other while they are with their dad?. Lots of single parents have relationships that don't involve the kids at all. He doesn't have to take responsibility for them, they have parents to do that.

He’s telling you the truth and you shouldn’t even be thinking about this ‘relationship’ for a second. The only real relationship you have is with your children.

@Cowboycorgi he wants kids of his own so a casual relationship is not really on the cards

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if at least some of your mental health issues are related to him. It will be in your head regardless of you being aware or otherwise.

His issue with your DC is bad. His resentment of your parting way back, and the implication you should have been together/had his kids (?) more so. It feels manipulative, and possibly worse going forward. Interesting he decided to tell you his issues after you were thoroughly in love don’t you think?

Can't you just continue seeing each other away from the kids?

👏

What?! So he wants children, he just specifically doesn't want your children? What a hideous arse he is. Please, please get rid of him.

So what happens if you continue seeing him and have a child together? Does he accept that child as his own but still refuse to accept yours?

How would that even begin to work?

Eugh it's even worse if he wants kids. If he doesn't then fair enough he thought he could cope and he can't. But to want his own, a life with you but without your kids...ummm no.