A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

I’m sorry OP this must be really difficult to find out. I’d want to get to the bottom of why and when it all started really, someone doesn’t just randomly one day decide to start sniffing coke out of nowhere, I’d say most people start with a bit on a night out and then it escalates from there.

For me personally thought it would be a deal break in my marriage, especially given that he got it and presumably was taking it when he was away with your child.

So he's an addict? What did he say when you confronted him? Does he accept this isn't normal?

as an ex wife of an addict, please know you can’t change it and it’s not your fault. He’s putting his drug use above everything - but he’ll only stop when he genuinely wants to change. I stayed with exH for two years after his drinking came to light and I thought he’d stopped drinking - he just got better at hiding it and things got worse.
please do seek some support, narcotics anonymous must have groups for family / friends? What do you feel you want to do?

He was devastated, says he's glad I found out, he wants to stop etc etc, all the things you say when youre caught out. It just feels like a massive betrayal, like it's all been a lie, we had sex in the hotel and that disgusts me now, I would never have let him touch me if I'd have known what he was doing.

A lot of professional men do coke. It's part of the culture. I'm not saying to accept it in your marriage, but it's honestly rife among people who wear a shirt to work, just more obvious in those who do not.

I genuinely don't know what I want to do tbh. I just know he'd never have told me if I hadn't found out I'd be none the wiser.

You’re in shock, understandably. I so wanted to believe exH and work on things. I’m not saying that’s not possible for everyone, but years down the line I do see that exH being caught out, and therefore the risk of losing his family etc was not enough motivation to change. In the end he only changed when he had to have monthly blood tests in order to have our children solo.

please do seek outside advice and don’t just listen to him.

I would now return home without him if you are in the UK. He can stay there or go to his mother's. His ongoing drug use is no reflection on you or your character; this is all about him and is all on him.

Do you trust anything he says now?. He is likely only sorry because he's been caught red handed and cannot deny. Its not your task either to work on things; you have every right to walk away from him now.

if I hadn't found out I'd be none the wiser.
Eventually you would have found out:

• as the addiction progressed and he became ill/more obviously high
• when you realised how much money was going missing

I think what happens next depends on how serious he is about wanting to stop now he's been found out, and how much of that is just to shut you up.

I'd suggest that you not make any ultimatums about what you want him to do to 'prove' he's serious, put this back on him. But you could suggest that:

• he needs to go to his GP and disclose the drug use
• he needs to contact NA or a similar drug misuse service.

But you are not saying if he does thing x or thing y then it's fine, you're reserving judgement for now as to what you will need to stay married to him. I think at least a year of committed sobriety.

In the meantime, you need support from people who've been, or are, where you are - I'd suggest contacting Nar Anon or AdFam whilst you work out what you want to do.

The only other thing I'd say is your talk of it being a betrayal of you - time to start practising the 3Cs:

• you did not cause this
• you cannot control this
• you cannot cure this.

His choice to take drugs is honestly nothing to do with you - I mean nothing you've done caused it to happen, but he almost certainly gave no thought at all to his drug taking in the context of his marriage. This was something entirely separate that he did for his own gratification.

If he genuinely wants to stop, then it's good that you know. Seek advice from one of the drugs charities, and be there to support him. He will need you to help him do this, OP.

Cocaine is rife and so addictive. Although I find it easy to spot someone who's taking it it can be easy to miss if you aren't aware of the signs. Have you noticed any behaviour like staying up late, not sleeping, snuffly nose, talking a lot? If he's taking it around you and you're not noticing it probably means he's Been doing it a long time and has a high tolerance.

I will say, although it's hard to not take this personally, this addiction is nothing to do with you not being enough or your life not being good enough. These drugs are addictive, if he's an addict he will be powerless to it and he needs help.

I appreciate that some people take it recreationally (which is a dangerous road to even go down, as it is highly addictive) but to be doing it when out with his son, out getting trainers and secretly when away with you, indicates a major problem. Had he been drinking when he went for the trainers and out with your son, if not, and he is "dry sniffing", that indicates an even bigger addiction.

Personally, I'd be going home and telling him to stay away at a parents and I'd likely confide in them or a sibling if they are too old. This shouldn't just be your issue to deal with. He needs help and he'd admitted he wants to stop. hypnosis_expert on Instagram does lots of videos about it and a podcast. Menace to sobriety is also a good podcast you or he could listen to on YouTube, Spotify etc and he needs to look up your local CA Anonymous meetings and possibly go to the doctor.

You need space from him to get your head round it. If you take him back one of my rules would be I was solely in charge of all finances and he had no access until he was sorted out. You can look up addictions uk on google for support for yourself.

Actually the last thing I would do is take a decision whilst you are still in shock.

I would be clear to him that everything now is on his shoulders.
Up to him to take steps to stop
Up to him to try and rebuild trust
Whether it will be enough or not, you dont know.

And then watch.
Is he actually going to take steps?
Which ones?
How is he planning to show you he actually has stopped?
And has he been honest on how severe his addiction is? Because whilst many people are functioning addicts, you still have different levels of addiction.

And YY about telling family/friends. You need support in RL.

He may or may not be addicted. I’m not condoning his behaviour in any way but as a recovering alcoholic and previous recreational drug user, I wouldn’t condemn him without fully getting to the bottom of this first.
But you have to make it clear to him that he has to be totally honest with you as he’s betrayed your trust. Is your life with him apart from this ok?
There’s plenty of help out there - he could start with CA if he accepts he has a problem.
If you love him give him a chance, all is not lost. But he’s got to make this an absolute priority and appreciate he stands to lose everything if he doesn’t face up to things.

I am so sorry, that must have been a horrible shock. Frequent and regular cocaine use in the over 30s overwhelming leads to cardiac arrest. He should be aware of this.

If he does want help rather than pay lip service then he needs to seek help off his own initiative. It is not OPs job or task to cajole or otherwise encourage him into seeking help; her primary responsibility is to her children and her own self.

Actions speak louder than words; look at his actions.

It won't get any better OP. You'll face years of lies and broken promises. The fact he had to contact someone while you were away is an indication of how serious it is. I mean how did he even get the persons contact details if you were in an area away from home.

Thanks everyone, thankyou for links too, I'm going to have a good look later on. We have come home a day earlier than planned. I just wanted to be in my own home.
I can't face this role of 'mother' I feel he's forced me into, I don't want to be checking finances, worrying when he leaves the house or when I'm away with work. But more than that, I worry he's just going to get craftier and betting at hiding it.

Did you know he took drugs at all?

Just for another perspective, specifically in relation to "Why is our life not enough for him?"

It's interesting to me that you are fine with him being on his way to get drinks. Presumably both of you being drunk together doesn't mean your life is 'not enough? Might be useful to examine why one drug is a total devastation for you but the other is not. Is it the legality? The sneaking around/not telling you? Or the perceived idea of what coke is? It's extremely similar in effect to alcohol and I dont see any difference really for casual use. Would be worth asking him how often and what his triggers are eg is it just enjoyment or addiction. That being said, just like with alcoholism, if DH is lying about it and sneaking around that probably indicates addiction and he should get help. The other element is unpacking what is driving your reaction to it.

I have no idea how he knew where to get drugs in an area far from where we live, only that we've been to this area before so maybe he was trying to score then too? He's also been buying it in the area where we live too, again I've no idea from who. I dread to think how much he's spent but again, I've no idea how much the stuff even costs.
As for signs and symptoms, he was horribly hungover last Sunday which was odd because we didn't have much to drink, of course now I know he'd been and bought coke along with the new running shoes. All this week he's said he's felt 'low' and again, the coke was probably why.

Omg how horrific. My exh is an addict
I left before he destroyed our children's lives
Don't be the one who stays

OP please talk to him and explain you cannot raise children with an addict-he has been deceitful and lied to you. He either needs to get help or leave. Good luck this is horrible to have to deal with.

You're right, this is another way of looking at it. There is a big difference though in going to the shop for beers and texting a drug dealer to meet you so you can buy class A's cut with God knows what when you're away with your wife...
I know alcohol is a socially accepted drug, and maybe my reaction is OTT to some because I don't do drugs at all, its more the secrecy and the sneaking around, not to mention trying to score when our son was with him that just makes this seem so much worse than drinking alcohol.

Depending on where you live and the quality of the drug anything up to £100 a gram. Mostly less than that when it's cut to fuck with talc, rat poison etc. The dealers will do anything to make money out of addicts.
Look out for sniffing, drippy nose, cold sores, loss of appetite, paranoia, quick temper & bad moods to name a few.
I'm sorry you are in this position.
He's only sorry now he's been caught.