A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

And OP doesn't want to keep his secrets. I get it. If he tells his parents, it becomes real. He'll have to face facts, including that he probably can't 'just quit' but will need help.

No, thank god- we all really liked him and thought he was a good husband and father etc, but once his habit was revealed he started to change and become this totally different person, contrite at first, but then openly selfish and angry towards everyone, the scale of lying was astounding, it was heartbreaking really, and she left him and took the kids. Ended up in a refuge as the abuse escalated from discovery or very soon after, and the financial situation was so unsustainable. Had taken out credit cards and loans, the debt was phenomenal and they lost their house. Kids had to move schools, friends were split, it’s been 10 years and she is still digging herself out of the financial mess. Needless to say we are hate him, his behaviour and his habit, which he still to this day indulges in.

My guess is he has found an excuse to not tell his parents. I suspect he is in denial that he is likely addicted.

It’s just tragic how drugs rip people apart like that, and how they change for the worst. I can’t imagine how hard it must be trying to come to terms with it but it sounds like she’s got a really caring and supportive family around her.

I assume that it was because she didn’t want to have to look after his shame and keep his secrets? I don’t think she did anything wrong. If she was intent on shaming him she would have told them herself without giving him the opportunity to do it.

It's good if they know. I have been completely on my own dealing with an addict. It's draining. Scary. Distressing. Confusing and many other things. His parents may be able to drum some sense into him or at least be on the lookout for his wellbeing which may release some of the burden from his poor wife. There's nothing more distressing than living in fear and disappointment. I wish his mum was still alive because I would have needed her help with him.

Your post made me want to cry and my heart ached for you. I just really really understand. I hate it. He was abusive to me anyway. Proper arsehole. But I loved him with all my heart and I saw this road we could go down together. I lost him to drugs and dodgy associates and it won. It stole our future. I'm so sorry for the hell you have been in. I've been in for the last 2 years aswel since I found out 😔 x

I don’t really understand the outrage about cocaine supply chain from the people who shop at fast fashion chains and in UK supermarkets (you think the farmer who grew your avocados has a good life?)

Ouch. £120 in just the past week and he's been at it for months and months...

He's crying because he's been caught out and he knows the decision is in your hands, not his, about what's next. He'd be sitting there, high as a kite, had you not caught him. Spending marital assets on it while you carried on with your own issues, yet holding it together for the children.

I'd have made him leave, personally.

My ex spent £5000 in 3 weeks then later in the year spent £4000 in a month. Its terrifying.

Thank you, it is horrendous situation I don't wish on anyone.

OP, just to add to my previous comment as todays situation has shown me that lying became so inbeded into my exs personality. He has been clean for few weeks. It's nothing in terms of full recovery but enough to clean the brain of the main cravings. Enough to know that lying will come out and it will hurt people. Yet he chose to lie straight to my face today and what's worse, gaslighted me about it. Apparently, I don't trust him and he wanted avoid questions and I'm trying to control his life. True, i dont trust him, but I have asked no questions, and I have zero control over his life especially as we haven't lived together for nearly 2 years. It just shows how far they actually go to lie / deceive / omit and how lying becomes a normal part of their life. He lies about the most basic of things, I can't believe a word he says. Trying to coparent with someone like that especially when you have to supervise visits to protect DC and somehow not get sucked in emotionally while watching the person you love, destroying their life is another level.

Be careful about investing your time into his recovery which can seriously damage your children in the process too.

OP, one thing at a time.
This is truly shocking.
He is a drug addict and do not allow him to bullshit you on this label.

Well done for insisting his parents be told.
You are to tell ANYONE that will provide you with help and support.
This is not your fault or shame.

Addiction thrives in secrecy.
He can bob along in his addiction as long as no one knows.

Your absolute priority is securing your life, children and home.

I think you should ask him to leave and stay at his parents.
He needs to see that you will not be allowing an addict around your children.
He is a criminal.
He is committing a crime every single time he spends money, family money on drugs.
Hold onto your disgust, it may save you from wasting years with an addict.
Because he is an addict.

They don't like being questioned do they.

A scenario for me...

Me: Mark I know you are struggling with something as there's a pipe in your pocket and I saw the drug bag in your kitchen drawer earlier.

Mark: that is for smoking weed actually but before you ask me go ahead and presume and acuse like you always do.

Me: you've never smoked weed like that and I've not smelt or seen you smoking weed at all this weekend.

Mark: go home please youve made everything awkward now. Always looking for a problem.

Silent treatment.
Mark: can I borrow £30 please.

Me: Where's the £4000 gone you got from the rebate.

Mark: my banks frozen. No idea why. Can't get any money out.

Me: ring the bank and ask or go in the branch.

Mark: I already have they said they can't tell me why.

Me: OK Where's your necklace gone?

Mark: it fell off my wrist I was so pissed off.

Me: why is there long female hairs on your bathroom sink. They aren't mine? Who's been in the flat?

Mark: what the fuck are you on about. Nobody has been here. Nobody comes here ever. Your always looking for a problem.

Me: OK but there's also stuff under your bed that's appeared and it's not yours. Who's stuff are you storing? Why is there a coat under your bed etc.

Mark: that's just stuff I had ages ago but only just sorted it out.

Me: whys your coat missing?

Mark: oh so and so borrowed it.

Me: I didn't know you'd had him round.

Mark: oh I'm sorry do I have to run everything by you. I don't see Nobody and get into trouble when a friend comes over for a coffee.

Me: not at all I just am surprised you didn't mention it as I would always say if my friends had come over just in a general way.

After failing to get hold of Mark for hours my phone rings....

Mark: before you start I left my phone in asda only just found it.

Me: it's taken you 5 hours to find your phone? You've said this to me before I'm.sorry I don't believe you because lately you've been turning off your phone when I'm with you and hiding it screen down.

Mark: I hate my phone so why would I need it on when I'm with you? Who else would I message.

This is how it's always been. They literally lie constantly.

If I can sympathise whilst offering a different perspective. Addiction is an illness routed in trauma.
That does NOT mean he gets a free pass or you're not entitled to anger.

But the route out of addiction is always security, counselling and support.

You have EVERY right not to be Rollo to provide that but only you know if he deserves such support.
When my baby son died I developed a coke addiction.

Love and support brought me out.
I'm so glad my loved ones could see the pain through the shame

@AlertCat yes, this. He needs to want to stop for himself.
If his parents will have him I think it’s a very good idea to ask him to move out whilst he sorts himself out and see if he does.

Is he taking it on his own or socially OP?

Nice you won't find street sex workers hooked on coke. They'd have been on crack or heroin. You're wrong.

He's taken it occasionally with others in our friendship group but mainly buying it and having it alone, well not really alone because he's been nipping to the bathroom and doing it when the children and I are in the house, during movie nights, bbqs, you name it.
I didn't request he tell his parents to 'shame' him. I told him he had to tell them so I don't have to deal with this alone, I'm not keeping his secret. It probably did shame him, and I'm glad. Laying this at the feet of your 80 year old father should make you feel ashamed.
Today he is planning on talking to the friends he has taken it with in the past, they don't know the extent of his habit, he wants them to know so they can support too, though I suspect several wives are unaware so christ knows how that is going to pan out.
Day 3 of HRT for me, slight reduction in the night sweats last night but still not much sleep, work tomorrow and I have to hit the ground running.

Is he going to NA?

You’re doing brilliantly, I hope you’re looking after yourself as well, a nice meal or a bath or something?

What is it with these men. My relatives husband has recently been caught stealing codeine by faking prescriptions, as a way to 'deal' with family life. Been going on for years.

Just wondered how you were doing almost a year on @Kewforyourlife x