A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

I doubt this is all as well. He is still trying to control the narrative and downplay his addition.

What else has he taken?
Has he ever been high when in sole care of the children?
Has he even driven when high?
How much has he spent on this? (and has this but you in financial difficulties as a result)
Would he take a urine test (you can buy from online pharmacies) to check what else he has taken?

OP I would listen to his confession to his parents and how much he downplays, or not, his addiction. This is not recreational use.

Marian Keyes’ book Rachel’s Holiday is about cocaine addiction and recovering. It might not be what OP wants to read right now but it’s pretty illuminating about how addicts will minimise the extent of their use- they’ll admit to what they know you know about, that sort of thing.

OP I wanted to send you some solidarity. And don’t feel bad about what you’re feeling. Buying coke while he’s with your son is appalling and indicates a real problem.

I might consider asking him to move in with his parents for a while and I’d also move any joint money into an account that only I had access to, so that he can’t use it to buy drugs.

They really aren't the same thing. People who do crack are usually dysfunctional. People who do cocaine are largely functional. Most people who do coke would never touch crack.

This. Those of you saying that @Kewforyourlife will need to support and help him, have no idea. And I wish people would stop sating things like

Seek advice from one of the drugs charities, and be there to support him. He will need you to help him do this, OP.

It does not help people in the OP's situation, and it will not work.

@Kewforyourlife your didn't cause your husband's addiction.

You can't control your husband's addiction.

And you can't cure it.

You need to detach and focus on yourself. Your husband's addiction is his to sort out, and your family's focus should not be on him. Addicts seem to want everyone to revolve around them; don't let that happen.

If you can find the equivalent of Al-Anon (support for those close to alcoholics) that might help you.

Sorry but I would have sent him to live with his parents. I could never trust him again. And how much has this addiction cost the family financially? He’s put everything at risk - you, kids, job, home, family, friends…

If it's got to the point where he can't have a weekend away with you without sneaking out to buy coke, then this has been going on for a hell of a long time.

If it's got to the point where he knows how to get hold of drugs in an unfamiliar city, he's in really deep.

Do you have separate finances? I reckon if you were to look back over his bank records you'd see large payments going out every week. How has he managed to not let you notice that?

It would be the end for me. I wouldn't feel as though I knew him at all. This isn't like him going to a party and taking coke that someone's offered him. It's a long-established habit and he's now a selfish lying addict.

AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 16:32
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I would now return home without him if you are in the UK. He can stay there or go to his mother's

Sorry, but WTF? Why on earth should his mother have to deal with this? What’s she got to do with it?

Some men don't cope with family life very well, they want a secret extra life that makes them feel young and free again, some men it's ONS, some sex workers, for your DH it's coke. It wasn't courage to tell he lacked, he didn't want to tell you because you'd quite rightly go atomic and his secret thrill goes out the window.
Any addiction is easier to stop when the addict wants to stop, he didn't want to, he got caught. I'm sorry this has landmined your marriage @Kewforyourlife but better to know the truth now then years later.

I'm so sorry OP. Your welfare and that of your children are the most important things now. He can get to fuck with his addiction and his reckless spending of family money. Can you get in touch with a solicitor. Get the ball rolling on a divorce. Can you secure the family finances so he can't take any more money for his next fix.

I think there’s a lot of truth in this.

so sorry OP you must be livid. I hope you are settling onto HRT and this helps you cope with this unnecessary stress.

This is my main concern, he's stopping because he got caught, he's doing this for me etc etc He needs to do this for himself, because HE wants to stop, but I'm not sure he does, if he did he would have done wouldn't he?! A quick trawl through online banking tells me £120 has been spent on it in the past 7 days...
I think he's expecting me to go nuclear, but I'm strangely calm which is more difficult for him to deal with I suspect. Ive told him he disgusts me, he was the only person I felt safe with, he made me feel loved and cared for but all that's gone now and he's broken my fucking heart, then he cried and I felt nothing.

If you forgive him he won't stop. The only way forward is for him to realise what he is losing and stop for himself. I would distance myself somehow until he has done this.

Yes, he will only stop for himself. He may need to hit bottom before what he’s lost outweighs the desire to keep using.

Do not let him make you take the role of the parent in this situation. He is not a child to be monitored, he needs to take accountability and making him tell his family is a good move.

Trust would be gone for me, I wouldn't be able to ever look at him the same way again. Not sure I could move past the anger.

£120 in a week and he admits it was most weeks for months, he's wasted £2000 at least Op. Regardless of whether you stay or go @Kewforyourlife I'd look at the finances, how has he spent that much, is he spending savings, credit cards, has he lied about his income, you need to know asap if he's been putting you and your DC in financial difficulties. Don't take his word for it, insist on seeing everything because he's good at keeping secrets.
I'm not surprised you feel nothing, you're in shock. Keep going Op, you need to know everything before you can make a decision

I’m sorry you are going through this. It will get worse I think, the beginning is the tip of the iceberg. The numbness you feel will carry you through the next few days, but you will need to find your anger and use it wisely in the coming weeks and months. Consider seriously getting a solicitor to protect you and the children financially if you think that the marriage is over, because if he can’t quit and you decide you want him gone then things will get nasty very quickly. My sister had the same situation, turned out that her lovely husband had spent the best part of £70k on cocaine before it all came to light and the financial mess was indescribable. She and we had no idea and it was the sudden total change in character once he realised it was quit or bust that was the most sad. The vicious cycle of desperation and nastiness was breathtaking. She was financially ruined once the house had to be sold, the payday loans and credit card debt he had been hiding for so long, all came out. The kids have suffered appallingly as he has taken the money and completely fucked their futures as it turns out that the coke is all he is prioritising after all. I hope this is not the case for you but you can only put yourself and the kids first, he has made choices as an adult and now so must you. It’s completely fine to despise his behaviour, it’s such a betrayal, don’t lose sight of the fact that he is happy to spend family money on something he can’t even talk to you about. Purely for his own greed and need to feed an addiction that is possibly something he is not ready or capable of addressing right now, if he even wants to. Sending you hugs for the coming days and months. Best of luck.

I couldn't even look at him if I'd found this out.

I work with vulnerable people and families whose lives have been decimated by county lives and modern day slavery.

The one that haunts me was a young teen dealer got nicked and lost all the gear he had to sell. The drug gang insisted he pays them for the loss, of course they couldnt repay. So the gang broke into his home, where his Mum and tween sister were sat watching tv and beat seven bells of hell out of both of them to send the teen a "message". I had to find emergency accommodation for the family, hundreds of miles from home. Mum lost her job, sister lost her school friends and everything she had known and the teen lost his as his sister was forever scared of him and Mum was never able to forgive him

This is why drugs, even weed, should be non negotiable for people.

@Kilofoxtrot99 £70k…. 😳 wow. Is your sister still with him?

Having him tell his parents is a good move. Don't you keep his dirty secrets for him.

I think you also need to do a really deep dive into your finances too. While he's still in his faux-tragic woe is me, let me get it off my chest, mode.

This.

Take the focus OFF him. Do not get embroiled in his addiction.

Make sure you separate out your finances and set something up so his share of bills, mortgage etc go straight into an account he cannot access.

Then let him wreck himself.

Of course, it’s not so simple as that. But many women are socialised to be carers and nurturers. You really have to try to detach and not take on this role for your husband.

You didn’t cause it

You can’t control it

You can’t cure it

Sorry, yes, I meant when it gets to the addiction stage, that's when the addict's behaviours are comparable.

Why did you make him tell his parents?

You said that you didn't want to mother him, but you're treating him like a child.

Shaming him isn't going to help anyone.

If he is to recover from addiction he will need the help and support of all those close to him, he should tell his parents so that they can support him and his family from a position of honesty.

I am so sorry @Kewforyourlife . Your shock and pain is so clear to see with the words you write. My now ex h wasn't using drugs but he did have an affair. It was only after he had sex with her that he got it was wrong and only once he realised her h was telling me that he confessed. If we don't think about the fact they shouldn't cheat or use drugs in the first place, it's truly gut wrenching how many men only confess when they have no choice plus then try and blame us, the pressure of work, children, etc for why they've behave dickishly.

I did more than my now ex h to keep us together and obviously by default the family. It took years before I felt we were going to be okay and he stopped any efforts long before that. We are divorced now over something else.

My advice, if you still love him and only if that, is to make it clear he takes 100% responsibility, 100% into finding and accessing whatever help he needs, 100% transparency, maybe he gives you the same amount in cash he's spent on drugs and he apologises and means it to everyone affected.

If you don't still love him and don't believe him then he goes.