A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

It doesn’t sound like it is purely recreational. Taking coke when having a quiet night in a hotel with your wife sounds like an addiction.

I’d be looking for the causes of the addiction. Addictions often form as a result of trying to bury other feelings. You obviously have a lot of talking to do. He needs to be completely honest with you and want to get better and face the underlying causes if you stand any chance of getting through this together.

I agree casual use is incredibly common

It is amongst party goers - not in scream around your kids.

I would be worried that he might be driving under the influence or introducing your children to drugs. He would surely share a beer with his 18 year old DC, why not coke? Sorry you are going through this. I have been surprised several times recently at how prevalent cocaine use is.

This is a ridiculous comparison.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

You're entitled to draw a line wherever you like on drugs, if it's a big deal to you personally then that's the answer, you don't have to justify it. He's not married to a focus group, or to mumsnet, he's married to you, so it's your feelings and your personal opinions that count.

Take some time to absorb the shock. You can't decide what to do until you feel like you've got the whole truth. And in that regard, I'd sure as shit want to know if he'd ever been high while driving the kids around.

There are some wonderful family support groups out there.. My sibling has battled addiction for many years, now finally been in recovery for the past year but it has been a long road. The Forward Trust run family support groups for those dealing with their loved ones' addictions.

Remember three things, OP. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can save him. Only the addict themselves can do that.

I'm so sorry. It's a cruel, destructive disease and it shatters lives.

I agree with @Calmnessandchaos. I’d never have a joint account anyway, other than to pay equal amounts into for household bills. But I deffo wouldn’t be letting anyone with an expensive drug habit anywhere near my money.

and packed with assumptions. Not everyone having a drink plans to get drunk or necessarily ever does. Never been drunk in over 40 years of not being teetotal.

Once the dust has settled, as well as his GP if he can afford professional therapy that would be a start. Look on the BACP website for therapists in your local area who list addiction as an area they treat.
NA and CA aren’t perfect but the 12 steps have helped lots of people.
From personal experience, my previous relationship could not be saved. It was the most destructive substance and even after I found out it continued. I had to walk away in the end for my own sanity. I had never been around drugs before. We do not have a marriage or DC in the picture.
Sadly, addicts in active addiction are completely different to the person you once knew - they lie, cheat, steal, gaslight and are manipulative.
You will be in absolute shock right now so my advice would be get some counselling for yourself. You are going to need it to work through the emotions you are experiencing.
My heart goes out to you.

and I dont see any difference really for casual use Not even the cost?

He probably wanted it to last longer at sex.

Some middle aged men like the energy boost ( so they say)

I don't agree with you. I think you absolutely can compare them. All addictions carry with them the same behaviours, the lying & deceit, the total break down of trust in your relationship (been there, done that). Coke is not necessarily any worse than alcohol, other than the fact that it's illegal. It's the dependency that is the intolerable part and the lengths addicts go to, to cover up their addiction. It's horrendous for partners, that barefaced lying, the hiding of alcohol around the house/in the car, and destroys trust permanently.

I feel like the movie Wolf of Wall Street led to the glamourising of cocaine a lot. It seems like the drugs use has increased a lot. Anyway, I have seen young people in their 30s and 40s presenting with myocardial infarctions (heart attack) from cocaine use. It’s no joke at all. It causes the coronary blood vessels to spasm and constrict. Play with it and you’re playing with fire. Tell your husband he’s an idiot and has only himself to blame when he wrecks his body.

It sounds utterly awful OP.

Have you been to see a solicitor. It’s very helpful to have someone talk you through the separation process so you really understand what your options are for yourself and the children. I wish you all the best - this is a horrible thing for you to be having to deal with.

The trade in cocaine is responsible for so many deaths and so much misery just to feed the noses of stupid, spoilt westerners. For that reason alone I could never be in a relationship with a user.

Apart from that, just remember that, if you decide to get past this, you (and quite likely your children ) will spend the next 10 years worrying about a relapse. Everytime he's late, every time he's not where he says he'll be, every time there's less money in the account than you think there should be, every time you leave him alone with the kids (do you let him drive them?), every time he's bubbly and chatty, every time he's sullen or too quiet, every time he's extra nice to you (is it guilt?), everytime he's stressed and depressed you'll worry and wonder. It's no way to live.

Remember three things, OP. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

This.

As regards the comparison between alcohol and illegal drugs, the fairest comment i saw was, if you could imagine a world where alcohol was somehow a 'new' thing that hadn't been around for previous generations (like LSD, say). Well don't imagine for a millisecond that governments around world wouldn't ban it and make it illegal. They would cite the health risks, the increased risk of VAWG, the danger of drunk-driving...And they'd have plenty of support too. Alcohol is only reluctantly accepted by the authorities because of historical precedent.

Cocaine, if anything, is a young person's game, and middle-aged people should know better and have more sense.

For those minimising saying “it’s just coke”, it’s not about which drug he’s taking. When your DH is an active addict it’s about the lying, the covering up, the gaslighting, the decisions and behaviours that can go hand in hand with it (once the shame spiral starts it can go to really bad places), and of course the fact that its your family money going up his nose. There’s no trust in their judgement left, which is hard enough when you’re married but absolutely brutal when you have kids. OP really take the time to think about this and don’t let him - or anyone else - trivialise it. This could impact your life for years depending on how it plays out. It will impact his for a long, long time. Getting sober can be a brutal process with a lot of emotional fallout.

Of course he's devastated Op, you found out his nasty little secret. Sadly you don't have many choices now, you make him leave or you let him stay and find you're always watching and waiting to see what he doing next. Unless he volunteers to go into counselling/ and or rehab and sticks to it then your marriage is over, without trust you really have nothing and you can't trust him now

No, this all happened yesterday.

@Lifeomars
'The use of potentially harmful substances cannot be completely discounted; there are clearly incidents of it happening, such as at festivals where the dealer knows they can disappear into the crowd with little chance of any comeback from the unfortunate consumer they’ve sold to. '
Not a myth then....

Addition to alcohol can be compared to drugs. Most people having the odd beer / glass of wine on a weekend or to celebrate isn’t comparable in my opinion.

My son works at one of our local pubs at the weekend. Quite an affluent area but small village in the northwest. He sees so many middle aged men(some are the dads of his mates!) all snorting away in the toilets - and its accepted!!!

Was your son aware that he was doing this?

My son now sees this as 'normal' behavior but assures me that its not for him - I'm inclined to believe him
His rugby coach also has white powder on his nose at most social meets. Quite shocking to me really

Really? I'm shocked by that