A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

I lived too many years in London not to bat an eyelid to occasional cocaine use. (I wouldn’t call it ‘scoring’ either, I think that’s reserved for heroin, but maybe Im wrong!)
anyway, on one hand its really common in the UK and it’s a social party drug and to be honest its no worse than alcohol (probably even less addictive) except for the fact that it is illegal Class A drug.

on the other hand I remember first time I caught my useless ex bf and realised he did coke regularly and how shocked and disgusted I was, so I completely understand how you feel!

The bit you've quoted clearly states that he has to do all those things.

Some studies have shown cocaine releases more dopamine than other drugs and therefore is more addictive than alcohol and heroin. It’s is not physically addictive, but psychologically addictive and once you get to that stage it’s incredibly difficult to stop.

Yep I can have absolutely nothing but disdain for anyone who supports demand for a drug trade that causes such widespread devastation across south and central America just so they can have a bit of fun.

Even if it was less harmful than alcohol, I wouldn’t touch it because of the massive human suffering caused in the supply chain. It is like using a trafficked prostitute, except there are more male victims.

No, it suggests that the OP gets him to do all that. He needs to want to start the process. The OP needs to detach, detach, detach.

I’m sorry, this must be such a horrible shock. What are you going to do OP?

He's already an accomplished liar because he's been hiding this expensive, damaging addiction for a long time.

Remember that when he tells you he's going to quit 'just like that'.

Doesn't work that way without support. And that's not your job to provide.

I would be asking him to live elsewhere while he gets off the drugs and into a program of some kind while you think about whether or not you want to continue the marriage.

You are mistaken.

I fucking hate coke. It destroys everyone and everything it touches. For what? A quick brain firework. Acting a complete dick while thinking you look cool. And it's 100 quid a gram that lasts an hour. Oh, and it's great for causing heart attack in young people. Lost one friend aged 30. Another was just turned 40. Look after yourself, he can make his own choices.

She's perfectly entitled to feel whatever she feels right now.

It's not her obligation, nor is it helpful, for her to be derailed by concerns about the drug trade and the human devastation surrounding the supply. Not her circus, not her monkeys.

Her rightful concern is her marriage. Her trust in her husband. The future of her children. Whether the family can recover. Whether it's even worth trying when what she's dealing with is a liar and addict who has prioritised a Class A drug over everything she holds dear and everything she thought he valued too.

She has been betrayed, and the family has been robbed.

And this man has no intention of stopping. Sorry, but he would have kept on snorting thousands of £££ of cocaine up his nose if she hadn't accidentally found out what he was up to.

If he wants to stop it out of concern for his health (clearly not something that has bothered him up to now) or to save his marriage (again, not a concern up to now, and he has breached trust massively) he needs to go about getting help himself.

I’m glad you got my point @Tittat50
and you obviously have lived through the nightmare of addiction in your family. Grateful to you too for your kind words about my own recovery.

@Kewforyourlife his response was pathetic and shows that if he hadn’t been caught out he’d carry on indefinitely.
What a horrible predicament for you. Either he faces up to his actions or you need to consider what’s best for you and your family.

Hello. I have wrote a long post for support leaving an abusive relationship. But part of his many list of issues was drugs. He never ever will admit to me he takes them. Even though he spends all his money on them. Eve though I've seen all the stuff in his house and bag etc over the last couple of years.

There is something really important to consider here and that is his ability to be honest. Lying is going to break any relationship down. If he goes into denial etc then you have a big problem. If he owns up you can work with it.

In terms of money. If he's financially damaging you both that's also a massive issue. Drugs are not cheap. I've been in a situation where I've been at a family party and been asked to ring him and he's begged me for £150. Then the tele has gone. Or his bracelet has gone. This is when it is dangerous and irresponsible and not acceptable at all.

The most important thing is also your expectations. I had no issue with him smoking weed. Although I didn't find it attractive and it pissed me off that he talked so much nonsense and ate so much food that I'd paid for. Sometimes he was nicer stoned. He'd say nicer stuff. But that's because he was a soul sucker when sober. If you don't want to be with a drug user (you shouldn't want to be) then he needs to sort himself out. If it's something that's a big no for you then you need to take some control.

He hasn't told you because he knows it's wrong.
The problem from my experience too is they have so many shady acquaintances in their lives. People that steal wash powder and jars of coffee and sell it cheap. People who smash Windows and Rob people sheds. Overall they are people we were taught to not become and not mix with.

So there's alot to think about. Unfortunately it's rife lately. I know some genuinely nice har working people who used it until they were miserable and had to stop.

You wouldn't be going between crack houses with cocaine. Cocaine is very expensive and you'd typically have to be earning good money to take it. Dealers are usually meeting their customers near their nice homes in the suburbs. They're not dealing to sex workers on the street.

So these analogies will just tell him you have no idea what you are talking about and he won't confide in you.

Crack and cocaine is the same thing. It's just cracks cheaper. It doesn't make people more classy if they use one over the other..plenty of skint blokes living above takeaways are snorting coke and plenty of rich and famous people have used a crack pipe. Let's not class it up.

I'm genuinely sorry op. This must be a massive shock. You clearly need time to process , but really unless he is willing to take responsibility for this there's no saving your relationship.

Exh was a casual user , we had small kids. I stayed for years because I stupidly believed that it was just 'a few lines with the boys' and that he could stop at any time. He didn't stop and my kids no longer see him. The last time they did, he was an alcoholic with a serious coke habit.

Morning all. More has come out overnight, not much sleep has been had. He's been buying coke pretty much weekly for months and months now, meeting dealers on the next road to ours, saying he's nipping to the shop and buying it etc etc.
He's tearful and sorry etc etc, but again, is this because he's been caught? I asked if he was going to tell me, he said no because he didn't have the courage, I said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to stop, he loves it.
I've insisted he tells his parents today, and tells them everything. I'm not keeping his secrets for him, other than that no other decisions have been made. He's made an appt with a drugs counsellor on Monday, says he's desperate to stop, hates himself etc but that's surely just a kneejerk reaction? When the shame has worn off and christmas is around the corner how is he going to resist then?

OP's focus needs to be on herself and her children and protecting them from further fallout. Her DH will need to want to get better himself and take action himself if anything is going to improve. That isn't in OP's control.

God I fucking hate him at the moment. I want to be the strong matriarch who saves her family and keeps things together. I'm going through the menopause and started HRT on Friday but I don't even get to deal with that, I've felt shit for months but I kept showing up for my family, working, looking after the children etc, I didn't get to opt out of real life and secretly get high and I fucking despise him for that.

What disgusts me about this man is he's a father. Is he totally unaware of dealers using and grooming children? Does this idiotic failure even read the news with almost daily reports on gangland stabbings and shootings? Seriously I'd get rid and let him sort himself out (or not as the case may be). I wouldn't tolerate even smoking weed. Sorry but the priority is the family and he's more interested in drugs than his family.

OP , please take care of yourself. Let him sort his mess out. Addicts are selfish and deceitful, as I'm sure you are beginning to realise. Don't let him drag you down.

What do you need right now OP? If you need him to leave your home for a few days/weeks/however long then tell him.

Who do you have around you who you could call on for help - for you and the children, not him. Friends you can talk to, or who could invite younger child (ren) round (assuming older one(s) are pretty independent?

You are allowed to hate him. Hate is the other side of love.
Take care of yourself, as best you can.
Sending you strength 💪

My new ex had a chance with me to be happy.

His last gf was 2010 until 2018..... she let him live with her. He didn't contribute financially towards the bills. She got him a car on a loan. She loved him. She travelled with him and did her best for them. He became a coke head and alcoholic. He lost her to cheating and the above. Loosing her absolutely killed him. He hit rock bottom. He had to move out. Start again. He was that obsessed with her He put her pictures in his new house and messaged her all the time. Eventually he overdosed and survived.

He meets me. I helped him in all ways possible. Financially. Emotionally. I didnt let him live with me. But I helped him find a flat and I paid towards his stuff. I continued to help and support him. In return he cheated and abused me mentally. He got hooked on crack and weed and pregablins. He never ever ever admitted it to me. Never did it near me (apart from weed) he took and took from me. He fell deeper and deeper into depression and lost his job. His mental health went to shit. He's now loosing his flat I helped him with.

You would think after loosing his partner and home and wanting to die over the loss of that relationship he would never allow it to happen again. But 5 years on he's done the exact same thing to me.

When drugs are involved it seems you would die before they would stop the drugs. You are not enough. I was not enough. He could have had a nice life with me. I have a fully stocked up home all the time and he was always welcome here for meals and stuff. He has choosen his empty flat, drugs and bare cupboards over me 4 times this year to go on large benders that leave him psychotic, paranoid and in debt.

How can I fix that? I can't. Neither can you x