A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

So now you ask him about his plan for stopping.

There won't be one. He wouldn't have thought about stopping if you hadn't caught him red-handed, and he had no intention of ever telling you. He is lying because that's what addicts do.

You need to look into the finances. He's probably spent a lot on coke. Don't depend on him to tell you the truth about anything.

Possession is a crime, and he stands to lose everything if caught and prosecuted. He could get up to seven years for possession of a Class A drug, or an unlimited fine. If he has a professional license he could lose it. He is risking so much, including his marriage, relationship with his children, his reputation, and his livelihood - clearly he has a serious problem.

If he was high when off with your son, or if he went and bought drugs when with him, that is reckless and irresponsible behaviour that also bespeaks a serious addiction problem.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You should reach out for support from your friends and family. Do not hide this.

Sadly, you have choices to make now, none of which are great.

"What if something had happened to your son and you were off your face on coke?"

That's what I would be asking him. Utterly selfish behaviour. But then addicts are utterly selfish. Arsehole.

Cocaine destroys the life of teens and young men. I see them every day in court getting four or five years in prison because they’ve been groomed by older men, dazzled by the wads of cash they hand them for ‘delivering packages’.

Would he be happy with your son bezzing around on a scooter between crack houses with a puffa jacket full of coke? No. Of course not. So why is he ok with someone else’s child doing this?

Cocaine use, even recreational, is abhorrent. It totally ruins lives. I could not stay with a man who was happy with that

Christ OP. What betrayal you must feel. I thought finding out my DH was smoking again, after he'd been taking accolades for quitting, was bad enough. It's a similar feeling to discovering an affair, in so much as it's all the lies, omissions, sneaking about and the realisations that knock you for six. Mine, got a fixed penalty fine for littering with cigarette butts named on it as the litter dropped. He actually tried this one, "well, I was waiting for the bus with this chap I work with and he basically forced me to take a fag out of his packet. I thought I'd try one again to prove it grosses me out now. I lit it, went eeew, pucht, pucht and threw it on the floor in digust. That's when the high viz wearing bastard from the council saw me and gave me a ticket. Can you pay it for me cos I don't know how". The next day, it was revelation after revelation and it rocked our marriage because of the deceit. You've probably got a lot more to come yet and there's no right way to deal with it. You can only muddle through, I'm afraid.

You're right, there isn't one. I just asked him and he looked at me nonplussed and said 'I'm just going to stop?' I told him that wasn't good enough because his word is now meaningless. I think he was hoping to mope around for a couple of days with his hang dog expression and by Sunday id have forgiven him.

It's a hideous drug and one of many that shatters lives. I'm so sorry OP. You need to secure yourself and your children financially. Addicts in active addiction become different people, and they are willing to steal, lie and exploit their family to fund their habit. Is he willing to see his GP and / or NA to address his addiction and get help to get clean and sober. If he isn't willing to stop using immediately and get treatment then I think you need to see a solicitor fairly quickly and file for divorce.

I know nothing about drugs, but I just want to point out that he might not be taking it when he buys it, so he might not necessarily have taken it when you were with your son.

Anyway, he obviously needs help to kick the habit.

Absolutely. His word is now meaningless. You can't trust him financially and you can't trust him to safely be in charge of your children. He needs it spelt out to him that his marriage is now at risk. He gets treatment and commits to sobriety or you walk away and take the kids.

I recommend you watch Gordon Ramsey's documentaries on coke, he lost his brother to it. But the documentaries have a lot about the supply chain too and it's nothing like alcohol. Obviously there are the financial implications too.

That's right.. it's the supply chain which is so vile.

Luvvies generally don't care, in their 14 million pound Primrose Hill houses.

My brother is a long term coke addict, around 25 years I'd guess.

His health is wrecked, his teeth have all fallen out bar a few back ones, he's diabetic, thin, looks 20 years older than me despite being 3 years younger. He's spent time in prison and has wrecked relationships with wider family, me included.

He was doing coke at my dad's funeral..I watched him in the car park as the hearse drew up.

He has spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on drugs, often using his partners disability benefits to fund his habit. If he makes another 3 years on this earth I'd be surprised.

Only you know if you can work through this OP, please draw on whatever support is available to you xx

Well, it’s goodbye to him, isn’t it? What an absolute idiot he is. I’d be reporting him to social services myself, for taking when he was in charge of a child! Appalling.

Eva Rausing died of heart issues due to cocaine abuse.
Eva died in front of her husband, but he left her body in the bedroom for months, as he was so embroiled with his own addictions.

There is a very big difference in my book between alcohol and cocaine. One is sold in Tesco etc and brewed / made by people earning a decent wage. The other is an illegal trade based on multiple layers of exploitation, often including children.

My DH knows and shares my views. Drugs are a total no go in our house.

Thank you
OP, I hope this helps.
One step at a time, no major decisions right now

But how can she trust him when he tells her he hasn’t taken anything? Should the OP start making him take drug tests? Check his bank accounts?

That level of suspicion is horrid for everyone, but his word means nothing,

Sorry OP, it is hard to see any way forward if he isn’t being extremely proactive in seeking treatment etc….

Well said.

The level of naivety on here about illegal drug use is alarming. What is all this crap about men wearing suits doing it? Plenty do not.

The level of hypocrisy is off the scale. Not ok for my DC to get anywhere near drugs gangs, but it’s fine for us to buy the filth that exploits and destroys the lives of other kids.

Wife of an ex addict here. It's really really tough OP and I'm sorry your going through this. H was sniffing on night shifts for 2 years or more I was totally oblivious and heart broken when I finally found out, I went through all the motions. He has now been clean for 2 years after our DD was born. It's been a super tough journey, but it is doable! But you do have to be prepared to stand in the storm with them. Good luck and hugs 🫶

For me it would be the deceit and the lack of boundaries. It would be one thing if he was snorting the odd line on a work night out but I think sneaking around on a family break and trying to score while in charge of children would be a massive red line for me. It suggests a massive lack of boundaries and care and respect for you that he’s bringing dealers into your family break.

Of course it is. The criminality, people dying because of cocaine laced with fentanyl. Not the same

Ah… fuck. What a shitty situation to be put in. You must have so many thought a going through your head. Absolutely shattering.

I really don’t believe that people would be risking prison and spending thousands of pounds on coke if it was “extremely similar” in effect to booze. You could just buy a pack of the other sort of White Lightning and save yourself a fortune..

OP you seem to regard your husband's cocaine addiction as a personal slight to you and your relationship with him.

You should also be concerned about the danger to his own health and how much money it's costing. There's also the moral aspect of funding the gang wars, innocent deaths, corruption and trafficking that accompanies this particular drug.

It seems that your husband is an addict and needs the support of you and your GP and perhaps your in-laws. Get a family member that you both trust to help him disclose and admit the extent of his addiction, recognise the danger it poses to himself and his role in the family and come up with a plan to stop taking cocaine and withdraw completely from the situations and people where he takes these drugs.

Get a family member that you both trust to help him disclose and admit the extent of his addiction, recognise the danger it poses to himself and his role in the family and come up with a plan to stop taking cocaine and withdraw completely from the situations and people where he takes these drugs.

It is not @Kewforyourlife ‘s responsibility to try to fix her husband.

Nothing will work unless he takes responsibility.

I don't think anyone said all men in suits use cocaine - but in some industries it is alarmingly wide spread. I worked in finance years ago and the amount of coke use was eye opening, and that's nothing compared to the entertainment and sports related industries. I also hear it's pretty widespread in the legal industry. The people taking cocaine were not at all who I expected and I'm quite sure their families had no idea. Most seemed to keep it under control but some went off the rails - which I expect OPs husband is doing given he is taken it on weekends away with his son and wife.

I think they should all be forced to sit down and watch how many peoples lives have been destroyed to give them their hit, and what devastation the cocaine trade has caused to south and central America. Can't stand the smug gits - but they are everywhere.