A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

No experience or advice but just wanted to send a big hug. Must be such a shock for you. Don’t make any promises about anything while it’s all so new to you.

You can not in anyway compare a few drinks to a class A drug!

There was actually something about this in the Times a couple of days ago, it being rife in older men and them being more likely to have complications such as heart attacks due to it :-(

https://www.thetimes.com/article/0dedff0c-4121-492d-a75c-adcc43458be9

I personally can't see it as comparable to having a drink. I don't drink so I'm not saying this out of personal denial. Rather, his behaviour here smells of addiction. Is he demonstrating the same with his drinking?

Going to the lengths he has to lie, meet a random drug dealer and snort some marching powder whilst having a quiet night in with his wife doesn't signal one off / special occasion use. I could spot people coked up because they end up becoming even more arrogant, hideous and cocky to the extent you want to escape.

I'd ask him exactly what he proposes to do to address this issue. If he has this addiction, there's the consideration that he will always be some sort of addict in recovery now and all the shit that comes with this. If it isn't coke, what else will it become. There's often a hell of alot to unpick underneath an addicts behaviour and that can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I think it's not often one just says ok I'll stop and the problem is forever gone.

Totally agree with @ComingBackHome
When I was caught drink-driving I thought I’d lose my daughter (24.) But I went straight into AA and told her I’d do everything in my power to stop. She told me she wouldn’t believe my promises and would just watch what I did. I went to meetings 5 times a week and she saw for herself how I was changing and I slowly regained her trust.
I got sober in AA, haven’t had a drink for 14 months and have a better relationship with her than ever before.
I did it for her but just as importantly for myself and I’m a better person for it. It’s totally up to your husband to take responsibility and show you how much he regrets his actions.
Addiction is an illness not a weakness so I urge you to try and understand that. It’s not a question of how good a life he has with you (posters on here who have advised you to leave him clearly don’t appreciate that and know nothing about addiction.)
If he’s using drugs recreationally, that’s a whole different ballgame.
You know him better than we do. Only you can decide whether to give him a chance.

please know you can’t change it and it’s not your fault.

This.

There's an organisation called Al-Anon for families of alcoholics (related to Alcoholics Anonymous) - is there similar for drug addicts?

A friend of mine's (now ex) husband was a functioning alcoholic. He went to several terribly expensive rehab places unsuccessfully.

She went to Al-Anon, and gradually learned to detach and stop letting her husband's addiction be the centre of her life and the family's life. She was helped to see it as his problem. The transformation for her was amazing to watch - even when he decided to leave her after he got sober, it didn't rock her.

When you've got over the shock and disgust (and I agree, it would/has been a deal breaker for me), maybe something like this for you?

The problem with addicts is that they want everyone else to be focused on them. Don't be. It's his problem.

Of course, do something about the money as soon as you can - unlike alcoholism, I imagine a cocaine addiction is quite expensive in terns of buying the stuff. Move all family money into an account that only you can access, and make sure you & your DC are financially safe.

Good luck

I can't face this role of 'mother' I feel he's forced me into, I don't want to be checking finances, worrying when he leaves the house or when I'm away with work. But more than that, I worry he's just going to get craftier and betting at hiding it.

Yep, this is a very valid way to feel. Unless he is going to take ownership of this problem and its solution, it's ultimately going to kill your marriage anyway.

I haven't spoken to him all day but the one thing I'm absolutely certain of is I won't accept his blanket 'I won't do it again, I've got too much to lose' bullshit. He needs to be coming up with a better plan than that.

I had to split up with an ex I really loved, because he just could/would not stop taking cocaine.

It made him spotty, impotent, and boring. Especially when on a come down. In his case there was horrific unresolved childhood trauma. I was lucky that I found out before things progressed to marriage and kids, so it was easy for me to walk away.

I hope you find peace, no matter what you decide to do. 💐

You're also making a massive assumption that OP wanted 'drinks'. 'Drinks' is cover here for 'meeting my dealer.' If OP didn't drink alcohol it would be 'I'm just nipping out for crisps'

I am sorry and I hope you can sort this but I do beg of you and all you women and some men out there,life and domesticity is not enough for many people and that does not make them bad.People are so so bored sometimes and our society is stifling.Procreation, Xmas,Easter, Summer holidays, Strictly...mothers in law and getting f...g old.It is too much and a nice little family unit is not always enough..The pressure on men to provide...still and now women too.Wars, pandemics, poverty,climate disaster and judgemental people who will happily walk past a homeless person.You never know where you will end up.Some people need the edge and he may not necessarily be addicted.Of course he must get help if he is and he should not have taken a child with him to score, but I am just perplexed by the number of people who say' am I not enough?'' Are the children not enough?''Am I the one?'No,sadly you are not enough and that does not mean you are worthless or that your partner is bad.if you see what I mean.Humans are programmed for risk and diversion and women too.We are nuanced and complex.But I hope it works out for you.Its best not to be surprised by people any more and it is amazing to me how many people of all ages are still disappointed and shocked.please take care

ir's an urban myth that coke is cut with rat poison, why would a dealer want to kill a customer? This from Release explains in more detail

Much media attention has been devoted to drug dealers selling powders that contain little or no of the purported drug, but are instead composed of ‘deadly’, headline-grabbing ingredients, such as talcum powder, brick dust and even ‘ground glass’. A report in the Observer that used the last of these phrases turned out, after the results of the analysis were published, to refer to ‘quartz’; one of the most common minerals around and likely to be found at high quantities in a handful of dirt picked up almost anywhere. Whilst not a pleasant prospect to be consuming dirt, it is considerably less dramatic than the images conjured up by what ‘ground glass’ could do to the user’s insides.

The use of potentially harmful substances cannot be completely discounted; there are clearly incidents of it happening, such as at festivals where the dealer knows they can disappear into the crowd with little chance of any comeback from the unfortunate consumer they’ve sold to. But it is clearly not good business practice, as Professor Ross Coomber of Plymouth University has pointed out, to be regularly injuring customers who you rely on for repeat business.

@Sixpence39

"It's interesting to me that you are fine with him being on his way to get drinks. Presumably both of you being drunk together doesn't mean your life is 'not enough? Might be useful to examine why one drug is a total devastation for you but the other is not. Is it the legality?"

Oh do give over! Are you seriously comparing someone scoring and addicted to class A drugs to a married couple on a weekend break sharing a bottle of wine or a few beers. The OP didn't say they were going to get fucked out of their heads on booze did she. Quite frankly, even if they were going to get tiddly on a very rare weekend break it still doesn't compare on any level to addiction and the car crash it creates. You're actually questioning why the OP is devastated to find out her DH is a cocaine addict and buys drugs whilst supposedly caring for their son, but isn't devastated that he's popped out to buy a few beers? Seriously?

Only in London.

I've been going through it with the ex for the last 2 years. I started to clock something wasn't adding up long time ago when his salary was disappearing, but because he drunk as well, I put it down to that. Then I found some things that indicated coke use and when I confronted him, he lied through his teeth. He then left.... turns out he lined up another woman who was also a coke user, albeit functioning addict for many years and the level of his addiction came out over the course of few weeks.

I can tell you it's been hell. He was manipulating the whole family with I want my family back, I need help, I can't get out. The stress we have all been under is like nothing I have ever felt before. It came to everyone cutting him off for him to realise how bad he has gotten and he started to clean up. It early days, he wants to come back to us but I don't think I can ever trust him again. It's been such a roller coaster and I wish I have cut off much sooner but because of my love for him and our family, I was supporting him over and over. I feel like I have nothing left to give, to anyone at the moment. Can't face having him back, can face moving on. His addiction has utterly destroyed me and I still don't know where I'm going. I'm holding it together for the children as I have to put the roof over their heads, but sometimes I just want to fall and cry.

Each situation is different, nobody can tell you whether you should fight for it or not. All I can tell you is fighting an addiction is a soul destroying journey as a lot of addicts don't want to clean until they hit the rock bottom.... at least all the ones I spoke to in group meeting and on helplines. I wish I had listened to people who told me to cut off much sooner, for my sake and our DC sake, and I haven't because I thought he deserved my support. Now he is cleaning up and I'm so happy for him, but I feel like a nervous wreck.

Feel free to DM if you want to chat.

When reading i thought omg hes got another woman.

My number one worry would not be the health implications but more the personality change ongoing coke use brings about!. If you think someone isn't capable of being more hideous then watch them get hooked on coke and see the descent. Horrible horrible drug.

I'm not judging here but didn't you notice he was high? It sounds like he's been at this for a while and normally cokeheads won't shut up and are very obvious. I went on a date with one guy who went outside 'to see a man about a dog' then came back with coke smeared all round his nostrils. Didn't offer me any, which I thought was rude (JOKE). Obviously I didn't see him again, the knob. But I suppose if you haven't been around drugs (I've worked in the media all my adult life!) it might not be quite so obvious.

I feel for you OP. But recreational drug use among people old enough to know better is surprisingly high.

Coke use is rife.
Its frequently cut with nasty stuff as well ( cattle wormer) levasimole (?) or something like that which looks pearlescent. Edit: Levamisole
( according to local drugs project)

You will know the signs if he’s using it-
Talking a lot, over buoyant mood, lasting longer at sex

It only lasts about 30 mins before another line( I’m older so knew them as lines) is needed-
So frequent trips to loo are usual .

It’s use is rife in all circles.
Heart issues are common.

The lovely Eva Rausing died and her pacemaker registered massive heart rate before she died in front of her husband.

It’s not safe.

Not just in London. Any city or large town. And some villages!

Addicts in recovery are some of the best human beings that I know @Tittat50.
And that’s because a lot of them have done the 12 steps and become better people. They learn how to deal with their character defects and make amends to the people they’ve hurt. They learn that they’re powerless over their addiction but that something outside themselves can restore their sanity. It takes a great deal of work and it’s ongoing but they’re committed to their recovery and it comes first.
I’m incredibly proud to call myself a recovering alcoholic. I’ll never be cured of my alcoholicism and that gives me the will and the strength to fully commit to not using alcohol or drugs to change the way I feel. Because I feel wonderful now and why would I jeopardise that and the beautiful new life that I have? And I don’t feel I’m teetering on the edge either; I’ve done and am doing the work to ensure that I continue to live a sober life and feel totally neutral about alcohol. It hardly ever enters my mind now whereas before it was a mental obsession.
I apologise if I’m sounding preachy but it makes me mad when people who don’t understand the first thing about addiction make out that they understand the mind of an addict.
Hope I’m not hijacking the thread OP; I’m just attempting to show you that there’s hope and I wish you all the best.

I agree with @Sixpence39 in that, just as with alcohol, there’s a big difference between occasional use and frequent use/addiction. In terms of both health and monetary impacts. However, the difference is the legality and what comes with that (e.g. no certainty about what’s been purchased and the ruthless exploitation involved in the supply chain, including to kids and other vulnerable people in the UK).

You’ve had a terrible shock on what should have been a special time for your relationship. And, because he’s kept it secret for many years, you’ll now be less likely to believe what he tells you, including if he tells you he’s stopped using.

I’d take your time to recover from the shock. In the meantime, I’d thoroughly research it, so you know what all the effects and risks are, both to the user and those in the supply chain. Then, you have to decide where your boundaries lie. And set them.

For some people, being in a relationship with someone who uses illegal drugs, even occasionally, crosses a boundary. For some people, being with someone who keeps secrets crosses a boundary. Others will feel differently.

If he’s addicted, then depending on how long, how often and how much he’s been using, it could be a long and rocky road of recovery. But, some people who’ve let it get a bit out of hand or want to stop occasional use, find it pretty easy. Just like people who give up occasional drinking or eating too much sugar.

I’d say the bigger issue is rebuilding trust.

Very convenient to say he's glad you know now. Saves him telling you but of course he never planned too. You are right not to want to be his mother.

Can you live with a liar and a drug user?

If this was date four would you carry on seeing him? Don't fall for the wunk cost fallacy. Don't stay for the kids.

Stay if you want but get your head in the right space. Have him leave for a bit if that's what you need.

I am sorry.

What a giant load of crap.

Do you think making OP feel like she’s just uptight is useful here?
Coke IS illegal.
It feeds crime rings around the world.
Cut with fentanyl, the user can be dead in minutes

Its not the same as alcohol