A bomb has landed in my marriage...

[Kewforyourlife]

Please be gentle, this is happening right now and I'm completely numb with no idea what to do.

DH and I have been married 22 years, children between 11-18, no problems, so I believed, both very happy. Went away yesterday for a couple of childfree nights, children with GP's.

In the hotel last night we were watching a movie on his laptop when he decided to nip out and get some drinks from the shop across the road. His laptop kept beeping loudly from the time he left and I couldn't work out why, turns out his what's app is linked and the beeps were messages he was both sending and receiving. It was very vague, he had sent the postcode of our hotel and the reply was 'I'm 4 mins away, how much' DH replied '1' this was the latest message, there were several from approx 2 weeks ago when he was away with our eldest son, similar context, time, location etc. To cut a long story short he has been contacting a dealer to buy cocaine, whilst on what I thought was an amazing break away and whilst ge was away with our son.
Then it came out its been going for months, even years, he was high last weekend because he scored some cocaine when he popped out for a couple of hours to buy new running shoes.
I'm shell shocked, disgusted, angry. Why is our life not enough for him? I'm never going to be able to get over him trying to score when he was with our son. I just don't know what to do or say, all wise words welcomed.

Exactly. So many reasons it’s not okay, especially if OP’s DH is scoring whilst he has DS with him. I’m really sorry you’re in this position, OP. Second PPs who’ve said don’t do anything while you’re in shock. Can you get some counselling to get your head around where it leaves your marriage? You really need some safe space for yourself while you process this. Hugs x

100%. I hate that I felt forced into this role. It’s not the right dynamic for a marriage.

Lol yes!
A drug project senior worker lives in an expensive village and coke use is rife in that Uber middle class Huntin’ shootin’ village

On a walk I saw drug litter on a green lane
Crack cocaine and heroin ( they’d left it by where they’d parked up to have a session)

I tend to agree. I understand your upset, OP, and I say this as someone who has never done drugs (not even weed). I'm no one's idea of a "cool wife", either. But - legality aside - I'm not sure recreational coke use is that dissimilar to drinking. Not good, obviously, but I wouldn't rush to any decisions right now.

I actually thought you'd discovered some Huw Edwards-like activity from the opening lines of your post. In comparison to that, I think this is not quite the bomb it may have initially felt like.

@OutbackQueen I did expect a response. Not preachy at all and I also agree entirely with that opening line. I have so much affinity for people who've come through the other side. The reality is though, it's an awful lot to take on if you're supporting this. And so many people take zero responsibility or accountability. Then it's hell for others.

( Raised in a dysfunctional family of alcoholism. Still impacted by ongoing alcoholism. Not mine)

Total kudos to you for what you're doing. 🙏

Agreed
Coke users are such a pain to be around.

Instant Arsehole; just add Coke!
Add drink to the mix and they are intolerable.

A lot of violence ( according to door staff) is due to Coke and booze combined.

You're kidding yourself if you think that.

We're in a NE Scotland medium sized town. DHs work have just brought in drug testing. Out of the 12 random tests they carried out, 4 were positive. It is rife among professionals.

That’s pretty impressive. Many congrats on all the work you’ve put in, and will continue to put in, both for yourself and your daughter. 100% agree actions speak louder than words, especially when trust has been betrayed.

I think the fact he scored cocaine when out with your child is so bad.

To me this shows a real dependency on his drug taking.

I know you're in shock at the moment but you need to find out how long he's been using.

I've got some friends my age (late 40s/50s) who'll still get coke in for a night out. I don't know how they can be bothered. But it's definitely much more common than a lot of people think.

... no.

I agree, crikey it's Cocaine - notwithstanding the fact that it's a class A drug leaving aside the damage it does to a person if we want to say that's no different to booze, the criminality it props up and is propped up by it is just on another level.

I agree casual use is incredibly common. We used to dabble in our late 20s, as did many on an occasional wknd out here in the back of beyond. Luckily I didn't get addicted, didn't see the appeal quite quickly. The cost is also an issue.
Hope he isn't draining your account funding it.

Are you sure he didn't tell your son about the cocaine?

I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

One piece of advice I would give is, if you can, separate your finances. If you have a joint account, work out your wages, what you and your children need to survive, bills etc. and get your own account set up. Sadly, you don't know how deep he is in his drug use and how much he spends/ has been spending. Even the odd £100 is money that is being taken from your children.
Good luck.

Is it recreational though when he’s scoring when he’s with his child. I doubt it. I’d walk

People are so so bored sometimes and our society is stifling.

Good try @CAJIE but no dice.

If you're bored that is your problem. It's down to your lack of thought, intelligence, curiosity or energy.

Boredom is no excuse for addiction. Boredom is a personal failing not some sort of condition to feel sorry for the bored person.

If you're bored & stifled, do something interesting that doesn't involve sitting around and taking mind-altering substances which make you believe you're special. You're not. People high on drugs or alcohol are very very uninteresting.

The person who said “Only in London “ must be very delusional
I bet much like 🐀 rats, those of us in villages towns and cities are no more than a few metres from
a wrap of cocaine.

It really is everywhere.
County Lines make it so.

Middle Class Luvvies don’t care where it comes from, or the murder and misery that is done in the country of origin with the ruthless drugs gangs.

If it was legal ( ironically it can be prescribed by a Doctor with a home office licence) it would be different.

Mine always told me that we and his life were enough. It was him that wasn't. It made no difference to the outcome. There wasn't a happy ending. But please don't add to your own pain by thinking you and the life you offer are somehow lacking. That's not how it works or why they do it.

This ! Scoring drugs while out with his son is a disgrace. I'd loose the plot

Did he take coke when sole responsible for your child and did he drive when high (with your child in the car)?

If yes, then he has clearly gone beyond occasional user and is putting your children at risk.

He will be admitting the minimum he thinks he can get away with and hiding as much as he can from you,

If the relationship were to continue you would have to reinstall ish the trust - but I don’t know how to do that without assuming the caretaker role (checking finances, drug testing, checking attendance of appiointment). And that is such a fundamental change to the relationship I am now sure it is actually possible.

I think this is really good advice.

Whether this is a deal breaker depends on where the line is for the OP but it doesn't have to be. Despite the general view on here, recreational drug use does not mean dependence.

The lies etc would bother me far more than occasional coke use if he had a handle on it. Going off to score when away isn't great so many in this case he does have a drug problem.