My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

I think I would be a bit more proactive and put weekends on the calendar of when you are going to visit them, as a couple/ family. Force him to face up to it. Then maybe when you’re there start the discussion with SIL about care homes, if you feel you can?

Sorry yes a good childhood, no issues no reason to not be caring and in touch and supportive. He just used the excuse of 8 hours distance.

I think he can't face reality of his parents being so elderly, dementia and physical issues. They have a carer but it's just not enough now.

His mum is refusing to go into a home but I feel his SIL needs his support to try and talk sense. She's handling this decline alone.

You might be letting your bitterness, over your sisters lack of support to you, cloud your judgement here. You say over the years you have distanced yourself from his parents, so you have had a hand in the distance being created, and if its because you don't like them, what's to say he doesn't either?
Not all DC's like or get on with their parents and it's not mandatory to have to look after them. If his sister was not willing to help, social services would have to take over. She has chosen this path probably because she has a closer relationship to them.
If they have minimal independence, there are hopefully carers going in to assist also.

What did he say when you pointed out he's doing what your sister is doing and how her doing that affects you and is likely affecting his sister?

@starsbrawl yes a good reason as I was having to do all the running for years. The gifts, cards, holidays, visits and holidays.

I have my own family to care for and I simply wasn't prepared to also care for his. They are lovely but live in a disgusting home that isn't somewhere i was comfortable with my DS staying as they grew up.

So handed over the care and support to my DH, so I didn't break with the load of young kids, 2 sets of elderly parents and running a business. Something had to give.

He started blankly into space and said "that's not the case" which I personally think it's the exact same situation. That really hurt him, but I've got to the point that nothing seems to make him realise he will loose his parents without seeing them at this rate.

It's a weird male thing. DH's dad is the nicest man alive. But DH refuses to drive four hours to pick him up and four hours back so he can have Christmas with us. It's too far. DH is retired. He does fuck all, all day long. But too tired to drive his dad who helped us massively financially when he lost his job and didn't find another. I asked what his dad was doing for Christmas and he didn't know. Thinks he will probably spend it with family friends. I might have another go at him.

And my DBro lives 20 minutes from my mum who is in a care home. He never sees her.

I don't see what practical assistance he could provide, with 8 hours of distance between them. Would you consider moving closer if it's that important to you that he helps out?

Of course you're free to judge him but you should stop trying to interfere. He can make his own decisions

For me it's the fact he hasn't seen them physically for over a year? He could help with seeing local care homes, help with the day to day decisions over the carer, help with the maintenance with the large garden when he visits. Help clean and tidy the clutter.

Your DH is not your sister, don't let your bitterness over her behaviour cloud your opinions of your husbands situation.
Plenty of people probably judged me for the amount of help I gave my father, including my brother who visited once a week at least BUT I give no shits. There were very good reasons why I was nc with him.
You have no right to judge his relationship with his parents, you weren't brought up by them, and even his siter who was may have had a very different relationship with them than your H

Unfortunately OP (in my vast experience anyway) caring for elderly parents always falls squarely on the daughters whilst the sons more or less get a free pass. It's an age old story. You are to be commended for your concern. All you can do is point out his lack of caring, as you have been doing but I wouldn't share your angst with the SIL if you don't get on with her very well. It might come back to bite you on the bum.

There is a difference between moving closer so you can be there at least every weekend with them and not seeing them for a year.
My parents are in a different country and I see them more often than that!

If you are busy caring for your own DM, presumably you are not in a position to move nearer to his family. Realistically, there's not a lot of support he can be from such a distance. He could visit them, and its been a long time since he did. Are you saying you'd be OK with him taking perhaps a week away from your family to visit, as its a long way for just a weekend visit. How supportive and encouraging are you that he could take time out to go?

Maybe he doesn't care? Its his decision

@Hoppinggreen but the dh isn’t NC like you.
He just can’t be bothered/puts his head in the sand. It’s quite a different situation.

I actively say go for a week WFH up there, he has all the encouragement and support to go from us, he knows we are fine without him and he does work away. So there are no barriers, financially he can afford to travel.

I have to say I would question who my dh is if I was seeing acting like that too.
Maybe as a PP said he doesn’t care. But what does it say about him agd about him towards you?

I might be biased but I’ve become disabled and saw ‘d’H being as uninvolved with me as your dh is his parents.
so my first reaction would be to wonder if he’d act the same way if (or when!) it was me

I think a lot of the answers you are getting are odd. If you’d posted as your SIL you’d get lots of backup as to how useless your brother was!

I agree, it would make me question things too. It sounds like he has his head fully in the sand over a lot of things - his relationship with them and his sister, his responsibilities, the parallels between him and your sister.

I also think that as his wife you are in fact entitled to judge his relationship with his parents, he’s not a random acquaintance whose background you don’t know.

You’re right to have handed responsibility for this entirely to him. It’s his family, you should not have to do any of the legwork.

But I don’t know what the answer is. There’s only so many times you can try to push him in to helping.