My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

Yes, I agree. I do wonder what has been said between the OP’s DH and his sister. OP stated that

“He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders.”

And he’s told OP that his sister “has got this”

OP seems really over invested in her ideas of him physically going there for a week or shorter visits, but that may just be more stress for his sister rather than a help.

So I wonder if the WhatsApp messages were along these lines and his sister has been happy to just get on with things?

But it still makes me feel just like typical bloody man letting his sister do all the work,

That is her choice though.

I imagine things started Ok & she has been drawn in to doing more & more.

I would perhaps be judging him for not visiting in a year though!

@greenrollneck if your SIL keeled over and wound up in hospital would your husband step up?

OP, I would feel similarly to you and lose a lot of respect for my DH if he not only failed to take some steps to help his parents, but also left it to his sister. I have seen, time and time again, men expecting their sisters to do the bulk, often all, of elderly parent care. At its core is a belief that caring is “women’s work.” It’s so clearly sexist that I am astonished that so few PPs have mentioned it. No wonder you are questioning who he really is.

Tbh it doesn't matter your DH thinks his sister has 'got this' - it's still not fair or reasonable to leave the burden for this on her. It's emotionally draining caring for a sick parent.

He sounds lazy tbh - out of sight out of mind - and I would lose all respect for a partner who acted this way to their family (both Dsis and Parents) when there is no good reason to be acting this way.

There's an assumption too that the LA will organise a care home. It won't. And the bar for being considered ill/doddery enough for a nursing home is extremely high. I know, because we've just been through this with my mum, who is mentally sound but physically unable to care for herself safely, even with carers. The LA wouldn't even help us find somewhere (we did).

You've clearly never been in the situation where a relative is reluctant to go into a home although they really need it.

The assessment goes like this:
SS: Can you dress yourself?
Relative: Yes
Me: Sometimes you spend all day in your nightie if no one's here to help, don't you?
Relative: No, I don't
SS writes down "Yes"

SS: Do you cook your own meals?
Relative: Yes
Me: You don't even heat a tin of soup, do you? You just have bread and jam or dont eat anything if no one is here to help, don't you?
SS writes down "Yes"

SS: Do you do your own shopping?
Relative: Yes
Me: You haven't been to the shops in nearly a year. I bring you everything.
Relative: I meet Nellie at the shops. She's my friend.
Me: First I've heard of it.
SS writes down "Yes"

Assessment comes back "Doesn't meet the threshold"

I really doubt there's a darker side; far more likely that there's a selfish streak in him and he puts himself first, without giving his parents or his sister another thought unless you remind him.

Sorry to have had an ironic chuckle but this is so accurate.
My Dad was so afraid of a care home, he would also sabotage the needs assessment.

You sound like a lovely caring
daughter-in-law. You have enough to cope with or I'm sure you would step in too if your DH was more involved. He had a good upbringing with only distance as an excuse for being so selfish. An 8 hour journey is undeniably a long journey. He could at least agree to visit his parents for the occasional weekend & help to persuade them a care facility is now in their best interests. His attitude would upset me OP. There is an old saying you can tell if a man would make a good husband by the way he treats his mother. That is of course providing he has had a good upbringing with no particular reason to distance himself in adulthood.

This thread is terrifying. I think I might have a child just so I have someone to do all this for me!

My Uncle was like this and left all the hands on support and care to my mum. It was so selfish. He just couldn't face that they were becoming elderly and had support needs so he checked out. Of course once they passed away made a huge effort to be there and do the house up for the sale!

Good question- what would your DH do if it became too much for your SiL, or if she was incapacitated?

Also, on an emotional level, doesn’t he miss his parents? Miss talking to them, miss seeing them? Is he ashamed of them, is he proud of them, proud of where he came from, does he like them, is he grateful for the money, financial assistance, you said that they’ve given him over his adult lifetime? Does he have any feelings towards them at all?

If not, it’s a salutary lesson for his children to observe.

Very sad in so many ways.

Does he help them financially?

Unless there is a horrific back story, I can see no reason why he doesn't visit sometimes, I'm sure they would appreciate it. I can't imagine my late husband being like that with his parents, both of us cared for our elderly. My son says he will always care for me (I am nearly 75), but I hope to be able to look after myself and, if and when I can't, employ people to help me.

That is by the by, we are talking about your husband.

Do you discuss this with him, ask his reasons for such indifference? He is going to be old himself one day and may need care plus the odd visit from someone close to him.

I wonder how he would be if you were taken ill (God forbid).

You must speak with him about this.

DH and his family have very little emotion between the lot of them.
SIL is terminal, FIL has heart failure there's never going to be any big emotional chats, any annecodal emotional memory. It's all the same, repeated stories that you had to be there for and I now feel like I was. Never ever any emotion.

DH hasn't the band width for them, he focuses on practical stuff and things like phone calls and visits just detract from the work or DIY to do list.

I did ask him if he'd have any regrets or any thing he'd wish hed raised but he hasn't and I believe him. He only really lived at home till he was 18, we've been together 30 years. So the balance in his life is far more with me and our friends and for the last 19 years our kids.

The siblings got by far the bulk of grandparent input, quite overwhelmingly, so that's added to the disconnect.

I have wrestled.with all this for years on and off, why did SIL hate me so much in our 20s, why when they seemed so normal wasn't I embraced into their family. Why when I stopped doing wife work didn't DH acknowledge how useful, time consuming or essential it might be. DH just totally dropped any idea of hosting, contact or making an effort in the good times.

I'll never unpick it. I absolutely would have suited a big embracing kind of in law relationship but I am not going to get it in my lifetime. And crucially for my mental health boundaries I am not going to get it with this family as everyone ages, I can't change them.

Over long post, but something might ring a bell!

This is out of order, she’s looking for support in a traumatic situation and you’re trying to pull a (irrelevant) ‘gotcha’ from prior threads 🤦‍♀️

YES. Well, as the older sister I did all the emotional heavy lifting with my dad, even though I was in a another country. We talked on the phone daily for at least an hour, I helped him sort out affairs when I visited, and DH and I had him to the UK a few times for several weeks. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, it took heaven and earth to get my brother to help, even though he was 250 miles away from dad, and I was about 7000. My brother did it eventually and helped with the last 2-3 months of my dad's life, but surely was resentful about the whole thing, and screamed at me and my father for having to do this...last memory I have of my brother really. He then tried out of spite to steal my inheritance because I couldn't quit my job to clear my dad's house (didn't get away with it, another story). He seemed to think because I was the sister, it was my job to sort it all. Does the OP's husband think the same?

His sister could have the odd weekend off? Feel less alone, potentially?

That’s where the parents are putting their children in a shit position though. They are expecting their adult children to take on the tremendous responsibility despite it being to the detriment of their child’s well being.

Surely if a parent has assets and are financially able to pay for their own care, the SS can’t stop them
or don’t need to be involved? I assume they ‘don’t meet the threshold’ according to SS if they can’t self fund?

I had a very difficult relationship with my parents as a child. Our family was dysfunctional, and damaged by the relationship between both our parents and the 'golden child' daughter, the youngest of 3 kids they had.
On the outside, everyone thought that we were the perfect family, an image that was so well cultivated, but no one lifted the veil or saw what might have been uncomfortable.
I went NC years ago when they stopped even acknowledging my son's existence, and only got drawn back in after our father's death. It was toxic, anger driven, and watching two narcissistic females at play was awful. I walked away again and never went back.
I can see the frustration and even anger behind the OP, but there may be other stuff playing out still for the DH involved.

@NDerbys32 I don't think DH was the tools or the motivation to pick apart his family dynamic and therefore would rather ignore it.

SIL is a crazy, look at me character, FIL is lovely but also completely self centred and MIL has a stick up her arse. But they present like a better than your family group.

It's taken years for me to dig through their nonsense, I applaud those who gets out early.

It sounds to me like he is in denial and doesn’t want to face up to the fact that his parents are seriously declining and approaching the end of their lives as he remembered them to have. (I’ve seen that behaviour in others)

OP

Indeed talk more with your husband and judge less. You don’t know all the ins and outs of both his and his sisters childhoods.

His Parents also chose to move away from
you people.

Make arrangements to go up there, leave your husband holding the fort, and take her out for coffee or a lunch. Apologise to her, let her rant, and then ask her how you can help. A lot of admin can be carried out at a distance, or rent a holiday cottage nearby and give your SIL some respite.

No no no. The answer to a man not pulling his weight with his sister, is NOT for another woman to step in and pull his weight for him.

The fact the parents chose to move is not here nor there.
Yes it makes things harder but it doesn’t explain no visit at all for 1 year.