My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

In which case there may be a reason why he seems so uncaring towards his parents.
If its so out of character then there may be more to it than laziness etc
The point is, you don't know

My DH was similar, but not quite as bad. What worked for him was asking - what example is he setting to his own children? Would he and I want our own children to be like him when we are old or would we want our children to visit?

My DH and his own family are definitely ones for burying their heads in the sand and not talking about things. Also he doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents, which makes things tricky.

In almost every family I know, the daughters step up, even for their in-laws, the men step back. I know almost no men doing any hands on caring at all, and they don't even bother with arranging carers, cleaners or attending hospital appointments. It's all wife-work stuff that doesn't concern them. I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule who are amazing men, and certainly some will pay their parents visits, which yours doesn't even manage that, but ultimately, it's daughters every time. Glad I had daughters now, when I think of it!

My mum has dementia. I live hundreds of miles away, have a disabled husband, occasional caring responsibilities for my grandchild and a young adult child at home who still needs emotional support.

Not excuses but reasons why I only visit maybe 3/4 times each year at most. Flying visits, stay in a local hotel. The main reason is I can hardly bear to see her like that. Honestly, if I didn’t really feel for my stepdad, we WhatsApp most days, I’d probably be like your husband.
How was your husband’s relationship with his mother? Mine certainly wasnt mother of the year and I feel no responsibility towards her.

We have a fabulous, close relationship with our kids and grandchild. The thought of them ever having to care for us fills us with horror and we’ve planned accordingly for years.

I've used this, I've said I hope the DS care for me the way they see me caring for my mum and not the way they see your lack of care.

If I'm not around in old age with him then I do worry how my DS would care for him, given the example he's setting.

Guilt tripping will not work here and is extremely unhelpful.

It's his choice....
Not sure why you're questioning your marriage because of that.

@MrsSkylerWhite I get it, I don't visit my dad often, if ever, I see him about once a year, possibly twice. There's a huge difference between 3 flying visits though and no flying visits. I don't think any hands on care is possible when you have your own dependents and you live 100's of miles away, even apart from the emotional situation.

You think of your step-dad, so go. Women just do tend to do this in the main, unless they have been on the end of very bad behaviour or abuse, and they are protecting themselves and their kids. I don't believe the non-visiting men have the same basic instinct.

See also, men who leave their wives when they get sick.

I think you need to leave this to between your Dh and his sister. You are projecting your feelings about your own family onto his, but it’s a completely different set of circumstances and players. It’s not the same. Not everyone is involved in their parents care. I am estranged from my family. I’m an only child. My mum and stepdad are in their 70s and will no doubt need care in the next decade. His children are also NC, so there literally is no one. They move around a lot so don’t have any close friends or trusted neighbours. What they will do, I don’t know. But I choose not to be involved. Just like your Dh has made a choice. It may make you uncomfortable, but I think you need to step back and let SIL advocate for what support she needs from him. This is ultimately between them.

Family dynamics are tricky and there is often a case of not seeing the wood for the trees in them.

What you’re describing from your MIL is a lack of acceptance of the ability of her daughter to meet her needs and her daughter enabling that status quo.

Even if your DH did get involved then it wouldn’t likely improve for your SIL given his proximity to them is too far to make much of a difference and he would just be further enabling an unsuitable situation to continue.

There are no easy answers, often there is a crisis that causes the breakdown and a tonne of resentment all around if people feel others are not pulling their weight.

DH for example does a lot for his own mother but it still is not enough for his siblings which is fine, they are entitled to their own views, but it is reflective of his having to put distance in years ago with a very dysfunctional family long before his mother wasn’t well. He still cares for her weekly and brings her to the vast majority of her very many medical appointments. One sister lives abroad and she still has lots of views on how DH and the other siblings should be caring for her DM back home. The resentment is there no matter how reasonable or unreasonable it is. Honestly it is just lose, lose. I can see why it must be tricky for you sitting on both sides of the divide.

OP - have you delivered this message to your DH? Good wording suggested here.

How did he / would he react to the point about it affecting how you feel about him?

I think OP, you have seen your DH's true colours and you don't like what you see.
Regardless of whether you and DSIL get on, you are doing entirely the right thing expressing regret and concern that your DSIL has been landed with all the work, responsibility and worry of elderly parents with dementia.
However, if he doesn't bother with cards and presents, he's not going to do any of the intense emotional battle of getting DMIL into a care home.
(And he's probably financially aware he's going to pick up the same inheritance as DSIL who has done the heavy lifting.)
The Elderly Parents board of Mumsnet is a good place to go.

If the parents moved away to be closer to his sister this may be behind it he may feel abandoned then so to hell with them now idea they picked her then so she can get on with it .

And again, why are you nc with them?

To respond to your question, I think it’s exactly as pp said, it’s normally the daughter who ends up caring for the park. Did she move to be near them if they moved away from you? 8 hours is a bloody trauma, my elderly mother is 5 hours away, direct route up the M1, but I only make it up twice a year , max.

Is he burying his head in the sand re: parents health? Or is it that visiting them and helping out is a pita? Or is it Womens Work? Or a bit of everything?

He absolutely can help despite the distance - arranging the house maintenance, the garden maintenance ... he could just ask his sister! It's ridiculous to suggest that men can't be expected to occasionally take time off or wfh to meet caring responsibilities.

Swanbeauty · Today 12:18
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It’s a very sad situation as most parents put their everything into raising there children then the children don’t bother with them in later life I can totally see where you are coming from: I pray my kids don’t do this to me”

Oh stop it. You chose to have children. They have their own lives to live. Take responsibility and plan for your old age.

Would his mum listen to him?
My dad and his sister were in a similar position but my dad didn’t even have the excuse of that much distance. His sister did everything for their parents but they took her for granted. It took him, as golden child, to come in (finally) and say ‘this needs to happen’ before their mum would agree to a home.

But maybe they moved, as did mine, to support my bil with childcare-we don’t have dc, so I thought that was great for them. Obviously my bil ended up looking after them more at the end, a fair return, imo.

FWIW I would text your DSIL and say:
I am sorry Gran & Grandpa are not doing well.
I am aware you are doing all the heavy lifting without any sibling assistance.
What can DH do that would help and support you most?
Does he need to help find new carers? Come and visit care homes? Back you up with decisions?
I know he needs to step up.

Saz12 · Today 12:27

Is he burying his head in the sand re: parents health? Or is it that visiting them and helping out is a pita? Or is it Womens Work? Or a bit of everything?
He absolutely can help despite the distance - arranging the house maintenance, the garden maintenance ... he could just ask his sister! It's ridiculous to suggest that men can't be expected to occasionally take time off or wfh to meet caring responsibilities

No-one has caring responsibilities. We are responsible for ourselves.
If someone wants to, fine. If they don’t, for whatever reason, equally fine.

It’s hardly a surprise that we’re, hopefully, going to get old. We’ve all got years to plan for it. A shocking number of people just don’t bother then expect adult offspring with lives, families and jobs of their own to somehow drop everything and become carers. Just not on.

I agree with you and admire your principled stance. And I don't think you're projecting so much as empathising. And I agree with pp who say this is a guy thing. They do it because they're lazy and have had a free pass on these kinds of messy responsibilities all their life.

I get that the distance involved means he can't do most of the hands on caring, but he could visit once in a while and more importantly imo he could support his sister, who's at the sharp end of what is undoubtedly a soul-destroying job. Does he call her and discuss their situation, share responsibility for decision-making with her, and allow her to delegate to him what he could do from a distance? In my experience, daughters do all the hard graft of supporting parents, but when it comes to tough decisions parents only listen to sons. He could make a big difference to how this plays out.

He cant o an awful lot no but could still visit-saying my ssis has it covered has got nothing to do with just going to see them

My parents lived much closer to me, I did day to day but my brother did all the money stuff after POA was active, anything that could be done from a distance, he visited less often but regularly.