Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

233 replies

greenrollneck · 29/10/2024 10:22

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 30/10/2024 22:58

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/10/2024 14:54

They moved away years ago. His sister lives closer. What can he do realistically day to day given the physical distance?.

He is working and is an integral part of his own family unit. Caring for elderly parents is not mandatory.

He has his own reasons for not visiting and OP needs to respect that no matter how hard it is to understand. It’s not her family.

Exactly this. It is his choice. The more someone tries to push and shove him, the more he will resist. As we all would. Emotional blackmail isn't pleasant, so let's just allow all these people to make their own decisions.

Mum5net · 30/10/2024 23:19

I wonder if he will choose to renounce any inheritance? Bet he's down the motorway in a flash for the reading of the will.

There's a big fail by many on here...
Even if we plan our old age meticulously and specify agencies, we will eventually need the support of another person to help make the final decision to go to the care setting.
That's not asking a son or a daughter to actually 'do' the care, it's just asking for a little dignity and assistance accessing the final furlong.
The OP's husband is not being pressed to help in the actual care or delivery of things for his parents . He's being pointed towards doing something for his sister... like ratify her decisions and give moral support.

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 07:56

Mum5net · 30/10/2024 23:19

I wonder if he will choose to renounce any inheritance? Bet he's down the motorway in a flash for the reading of the will.

There's a big fail by many on here...
Even if we plan our old age meticulously and specify agencies, we will eventually need the support of another person to help make the final decision to go to the care setting.
That's not asking a son or a daughter to actually 'do' the care, it's just asking for a little dignity and assistance accessing the final furlong.
The OP's husband is not being pressed to help in the actual care or delivery of things for his parents . He's being pointed towards doing something for his sister... like ratify her decisions and give moral support.

Edited

What happens to those of us who can't have children though and have no other relatives? I am so scared.

ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 09:03

Mum5net · 30/10/2024 23:19

I wonder if he will choose to renounce any inheritance? Bet he's down the motorway in a flash for the reading of the will.

There's a big fail by many on here...
Even if we plan our old age meticulously and specify agencies, we will eventually need the support of another person to help make the final decision to go to the care setting.
That's not asking a son or a daughter to actually 'do' the care, it's just asking for a little dignity and assistance accessing the final furlong.
The OP's husband is not being pressed to help in the actual care or delivery of things for his parents . He's being pointed towards doing something for his sister... like ratify her decisions and give moral support.

Edited

it would appear the sister, whom the OP doesn’t like and has no contact with, has never once expressed any desire for her brother to get more involved

ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 09:05

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 07:56

What happens to those of us who can't have children though and have no other relatives? I am so scared.

Show quote history

is there anyone in your life who cares about you? how old are you?

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 10:31

ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 09:05

is there anyone in your life who cares about you? how old are you?

Show quote history

Yes, but nobody younger than me. I am 39.

Mum5net · 31/10/2024 11:14

What happens to those of us who can't have children though and have no other relatives? I am so scared.

@Starfish89 At 39, it's highly likely there will be lots of happy years ahead with new friendships and alliances. Don't scare yourself on this one, just yet. You have time!
However, getting POA done with a friend/ loved one who is around the same age as you, having a will, and making the best financial provision for your old age, are all things you can start to have in place to give yourself reassurance if you genuinely find it stressful.

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 13:34

Mum5net · 31/10/2024 11:14

What happens to those of us who can't have children though and have no other relatives? I am so scared.

@Starfish89 At 39, it's highly likely there will be lots of happy years ahead with new friendships and alliances. Don't scare yourself on this one, just yet. You have time!
However, getting POA done with a friend/ loved one who is around the same age as you, having a will, and making the best financial provision for your old age, are all things you can start to have in place to give yourself reassurance if you genuinely find it stressful.

Edited

Thank you for that good advice. I do worry a lot. It all seems so out of my control, but you are right in that there are steps I can be taking.

BetterInColour · 31/10/2024 14:12

There's a big fail by many on here...Even if we plan our old age meticulously and specify agencies, we will eventually need the support of another person to help make the final decision to go to the care setting

I think saying you have planned everything and funded everything overlooks just how much you need a relative or advocate if you struggle to make that decision, through cognitive decline, mobility issues so you can't visit homes and so on. Most people seem to think if you don't have family, care services come round, decide what's best for you (as if you don't have capacity) and then they deliver you to a nice home which they fund.

It doesn't work like that. Even with planning and financial clout, you have to have someone choose a home, go into it at the right time, there may not be a space so you have to go elsewhere, you have to visit them first, agree to their conditions, often get moved on if you aren't the 'right' type of patient and so on.

People have no idea how much extra assistance is needed by someone (relative, friend, advocate) to work the system, especially as old age sets in and people have less physical and mental energy or even capacity if they get dementia. I have advocated for a relative in the current social care system and it is a living nightmare, absolutely terrible and we weren't that difficult a case.

I honestly think the threads on old age are so unrealistic, people say 'I won't ask my children to do anything' or 'I'll go to Switzerland' and in fact, neither are these the options the majority have to go with to avoid suffering. In a small state with limited care options, family becomes more important as they end up having to step in to organize care even if they dont' do it themselves (and in a really tiny or poor state, they do have to care unless you want the person living in bedsores or starving).

Mirabai · 31/10/2024 14:52

BetterInColour · 31/10/2024 14:12

There's a big fail by many on here...Even if we plan our old age meticulously and specify agencies, we will eventually need the support of another person to help make the final decision to go to the care setting

I think saying you have planned everything and funded everything overlooks just how much you need a relative or advocate if you struggle to make that decision, through cognitive decline, mobility issues so you can't visit homes and so on. Most people seem to think if you don't have family, care services come round, decide what's best for you (as if you don't have capacity) and then they deliver you to a nice home which they fund.

It doesn't work like that. Even with planning and financial clout, you have to have someone choose a home, go into it at the right time, there may not be a space so you have to go elsewhere, you have to visit them first, agree to their conditions, often get moved on if you aren't the 'right' type of patient and so on.

People have no idea how much extra assistance is needed by someone (relative, friend, advocate) to work the system, especially as old age sets in and people have less physical and mental energy or even capacity if they get dementia. I have advocated for a relative in the current social care system and it is a living nightmare, absolutely terrible and we weren't that difficult a case.

I honestly think the threads on old age are so unrealistic, people say 'I won't ask my children to do anything' or 'I'll go to Switzerland' and in fact, neither are these the options the majority have to go with to avoid suffering. In a small state with limited care options, family becomes more important as they end up having to step in to organize care even if they dont' do it themselves (and in a really tiny or poor state, they do have to care unless you want the person living in bedsores or starving).

Good points. I think MN covers a wide age range and posters in their 30s and even 40s may have totally healthy parents and not really thought about their old age much either. They haven’t reached the life stage yet where everyone around them is going through it.

I have very different ideas now than I did when I was younger.

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 15:46

Mirabai · 31/10/2024 14:52

Good points. I think MN covers a wide age range and posters in their 30s and even 40s may have totally healthy parents and not really thought about their old age much either. They haven’t reached the life stage yet where everyone around them is going through it.

I have very different ideas now than I did when I was younger.

Show quote history

I worry about this issue every single day. I have no children, am an only child and will have no other relatives. I am currently in my late 30s. I can see what a disaster old age will be for me, and I have even considered suicide (now) over it.

I dread the time I will have a ring side seat to my parents decline knowing I have nobody in my future.

I have considered trying to have a child of my own just so I have someone to support me in old age, but that feels exceptionally selfish. I can't do it.

I think my only hope is an integrated retirement community. Somewhere I could move into early (late 50s, early 60s) and then progress through the levels of care if needed. In the one I have my eye on, those who have lived in the independent living section get priority for the care home if needed.

I do see a future for myself though where I have dementia, am wandering the streets alone and die in a ditch after being ran over by a car.

I think about this all the time. It dominates my life and makes me seriously depressed.

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 15:49

Very good points, @BetterInColour.

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 31/10/2024 15:58

Hi @Starfish89 ,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind,we wanted to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to mental health support. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 15:59

@Starfish89 I think you should get some counselling to help you with this. You won't need assisted living in your 50s! It costs a fortune for one thing, but you'd be with a lot of much older people, so wouldn't be much fun for you.

You sound unhappy at where you are in your life and I really feel for you about that. Why not look for a counsellor who can help you through this phase of your life and try not to worry about the future so much?

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 16:09

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 15:59

@Starfish89 I think you should get some counselling to help you with this. You won't need assisted living in your 50s! It costs a fortune for one thing, but you'd be with a lot of much older people, so wouldn't be much fun for you.

You sound unhappy at where you are in your life and I really feel for you about that. Why not look for a counsellor who can help you through this phase of your life and try not to worry about the future so much?

Thank you. What I am looking at is not assisted living - it's independent living but within a retirement village. You can move in from 55. I think the longer I have lived on the site, the more chance there is that they will give me a place in their care services when needed. It is actually a very nice site and I certainly don't dread living there. You are right though in that the fees are high (they cover maintenence of your property, use of the facilities like pool, art studio etc). I should be lucky enough to afford them though.

Ultimately though I wish I had never been born and didn't have all this to face in my future!

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 16:19

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 15:59

@Starfish89 I think you should get some counselling to help you with this. You won't need assisted living in your 50s! It costs a fortune for one thing, but you'd be with a lot of much older people, so wouldn't be much fun for you.

You sound unhappy at where you are in your life and I really feel for you about that. Why not look for a counsellor who can help you through this phase of your life and try not to worry about the future so much?

Apologies, I hope I didn't sound defensive in my reply above. I thank you for your kind message.

I probably should try counselling. I wish I could enjoy my life without this constant worry hanging over me.

It's just it is something I see no solution to. I can't simply have a child to support me in my old age. But without one, I face untold horrors.

tiv2020 · 31/10/2024 16:22

@Starfish89 if you think about it all the time and it is making you depressed I urge you to try and get some counselling. It is a scenario that may actually never materialize, you are in your 30s and your life is being severely impacted by your fear of the future. I really hope you find a way out if this rut.

As for OP, to paraphrase a well worn phrase, it seems that your H is just not that into them (his parents). If he were, he would be proactive.

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 16:23

You are so young to be worrying about this, which is why I suggested a counsellor. It sounds as though these thoughts are intruding on your life in a way that's ruining your present day.

Do you have a job you like? Friends you can talk to? There are lots of things you can do to improve your life now but I do think you need some professional help to get you through this dark time. Flowers

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 16:28

tiv2020 · 31/10/2024 16:22

@Starfish89 if you think about it all the time and it is making you depressed I urge you to try and get some counselling. It is a scenario that may actually never materialize, you are in your 30s and your life is being severely impacted by your fear of the future. I really hope you find a way out if this rut.

As for OP, to paraphrase a well worn phrase, it seems that your H is just not that into them (his parents). If he were, he would be proactive.

Thank you, I absolutely get your point. I think it's just that the only way I can not see this situation materialising is if I die early (which obviously isn't great either).

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 16:34

MounjaroUser · 31/10/2024 16:23

You are so young to be worrying about this, which is why I suggested a counsellor. It sounds as though these thoughts are intruding on your life in a way that's ruining your present day.

Do you have a job you like? Friends you can talk to? There are lots of things you can do to improve your life now but I do think you need some professional help to get you through this dark time. Flowers

Thank you. I don't enjoy my job. I do have some good friends and a partner, although I have never spoken to them about my worries. I hope to one day. They are all actually in a similar situation family (or lack of) wise.

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 16:48

In this case, if you have full control over the family finances, I would start sending money to my SIL to help her pay for her visits, so on and ask her decision on their care, because apparently that is the case.

SIL, this for you , to treat yourself because you are doing this hard work and John is doing nothing and I want you to know I am not blind to your efforts and love. Sorry for being distant and cold SIL to you, but can I help with even a listening ear? What do you intend to happen for their last years of life

unless of course she might think you are doing this to be nosey about any possible inheritance

Mum5net · 31/10/2024 16:54

@Starfish89 Good that you can articulate your worries. It's a positive start to resolving them. Interesting that you say your friends and partner are in the same boat. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to them as I'm sure they would want to know and could relate to your situation.
If you choose not to tell them, then seeking a counsellor would be a wise move, and maybe make things a lot easier.

Starfish89 · 31/10/2024 17:20

Mum5net · 31/10/2024 16:54

@Starfish89 Good that you can articulate your worries. It's a positive start to resolving them. Interesting that you say your friends and partner are in the same boat. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to them as I'm sure they would want to know and could relate to your situation.
If you choose not to tell them, then seeking a counsellor would be a wise move, and maybe make things a lot easier.

Thank you, I just fear there are no solutions for any of us. Integrated retirement community continues to be my best hope.

Everleybear · 01/11/2024 10:32

@Starfish89, I work in elderly social work assessing people for care. I come across many people who don't have children and they aren't without support. Support comes in many forms and you wouldn't believe the amount of people I come across whose children are estranged from them or live in a different country. It isn't a guarantee that they will be there to provide the support you think they will.

My advice would be to access counselling and start living your life now and build up a good support network of friends and colleagues. Not every old person needs support or has dementia.

I really wouldn't be pinning your hopes on these assisted retirement places. It could be another 40 + years before you need support and there's a high chance that these places won't exist. And it doesn't quite work that you move in at 55 that you'll become priority for care, it doesn't work like that. 55 isn't anywhere near the age of needing support and I couldn't think anything more depressing to move somewhere living with people 30-40 years older than you just because you think it'll bump you up the queue if and when you need support. Myself and my colleagues never have high opinions of these places, the quality of care provided is usually extremely poor then what we could provide in the community and people get stuck paying all sorts of extraordinary fees.

Starfish89 · 01/11/2024 11:59

Everleybear · 01/11/2024 10:32

@Starfish89, I work in elderly social work assessing people for care. I come across many people who don't have children and they aren't without support. Support comes in many forms and you wouldn't believe the amount of people I come across whose children are estranged from them or live in a different country. It isn't a guarantee that they will be there to provide the support you think they will.

My advice would be to access counselling and start living your life now and build up a good support network of friends and colleagues. Not every old person needs support or has dementia.

I really wouldn't be pinning your hopes on these assisted retirement places. It could be another 40 + years before you need support and there's a high chance that these places won't exist. And it doesn't quite work that you move in at 55 that you'll become priority for care, it doesn't work like that. 55 isn't anywhere near the age of needing support and I couldn't think anything more depressing to move somewhere living with people 30-40 years older than you just because you think it'll bump you up the queue if and when you need support. Myself and my colleagues never have high opinions of these places, the quality of care provided is usually extremely poor then what we could provide in the community and people get stuck paying all sorts of extraordinary fees.

Thank you very much @Everleybear That is a very interesting insight - although I am a bit worried to hear that even my integrated retirement community option might not be a good plan! Would you mind if I sent you a DM and had a chat, please? Thank you again. Really appreciate it.