My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

Well we don't know what his motivation is do we?
And maybe he just can't be bothered, its still his decision

This would also upset me OP, it shows a side to him that is quite unpleasant IMO.

My DH did a lot for his mum, but sometimes got a bit short with her, which is understandable when you've spent quite a long time with someone who repeats herself etc. And even that used to upset me, and I had to have a word with him.

Have you tried hard truths? Something along the lines of " your parents may well not have many years left and your DM might not remember you for much longer due to dementia. I am losing respect for you, as it is out of order that you don't see them. One day they might die without having seen you. If that doesn't make you feel bad, you are suffering from a lack of empathy, that is very off-putting."

Very true. My husband's parents are in Italy, in their 80's and live within a 10 minute drive of 4 of their children and loads of adult grandchildren. We still visit several times a year from the UK, to help out.

I'd struggle to respect a man that was so indifferent to his parents. Does he not care about them at all, op?

It's an indicator of character, IMO. XP's mum was kind, loving and generous, but he never went to visit her when she had terminal cancer. Instead, he got drunk and took a load of pills (survived), because he was so upset about her dying 🙄. He turned out to be a manchild in many other respects, unsurprisingly.

Current man I'm seeing moved countries and is about to lose his job because he won't move back, as he wants to be close to his mum as she gets frailer.

I’ve got a different perspective OP. I think the question is, why aren’t they in a care home if they are in such a bad way? I don’t know how it works, however surely the local authority could step in and assess?

I’ve known of some people care for their parents because they didn’t want them to go in a care home as it’s obviously not cheap. That would eat in to their inheritance. If it’s too much for his sister then why doesn’t she contact the LA and say I can’t do it anymore it’s too much.

If they aren’t of sound mind then surely the decision is out of their hands and if the SIL says she can’t care as it’s too much then they’d have to go in to a home. If they are able to make those kind of decisions then I would say they’re is an element of selfishness on their part. I wouldn’t want my adult children to look after me 24/7 instead of living their own lives. My ex’s Mother was vile and wanted my ex to go and keep her company every day and take her dog out and do her shopping. That’s not fair on him but he didn’t do it and I lost respect for him because whisky on paper what he was doing was nice, he’s not responsible for her and I lost respect for him for having no boundaries. We had kids together as well so I felt like he was choosing her over his kids and that didn’t sit right with me.

But it IS the case and you need to say this again.

I'd also calmly have a think because what if something happens to you where you required care and support? Do you really think he's going to step up? Or is he going to treat you the way he's treating his parents? Ask him.

Yes he is being an uncaring shit and leaving it to sister. I also would be furious and concerned about his character. Over a year is a ridiculously long time.
i can’t believe people are excusing this - he had a happy childhood?

but he didn’t do it and I lost respect for him because whisky on paper what he was doing was nice, he’s not responsible for her

@YaB do you mean he did do it? (And whilst on paper presumably)

His mum who is sound mind but physically unwell is refusing point blank to go into a home. They have daily carers but their needs are getting beyond the carers remit.

I have my own family to care for and I simply wasn't prepared to also care for his. They are lovely but live in a disgusting home that isn't somewhere i was comfortable with my DS staying as they grew up.

Are you sure his upbringing was as good as you think?

Yes good childhood all needs met, zero issues and they have been very generous with him financially.

I'm going to talk again when I'm feeling a bit calmer, the poster are saying I'm projecting my situation with my sisters lack of care are right, it's awful being the one left with all responsibilities.

In his case he has time to see his parents they must feel totally abandoned by him.

Honestly OP I would start to lose respect for him as well. I agree he needs to take a chunk of time and go and spend it close to his parents, spend time with them, time with his sister and just get to understand the situation fully from being on the ground

Your H has not seen his parents for a year; what has his relationship been like prior to this?. You say he had a good childhood; well he may well have received all the material stuff but what about the emotional side?. How was his sibling treated compared to him?. You do not know the full ins and outs because you were not raised there; he does. He chose to be 8 hours apart from them and there are reasons for that happening too. (My parents are in their late 80s and early 90s now and my brother moved to the other end of the UK some years ago. I live closer to them but again caring for parents or other relatives is not mandatory).

You cannot make him assist re their day to day needs and his sister (someone who you do not get along with) shouting at him will further put a wedge between you and he. Not all relatives are nice and kind and young abusive people often become elderly and abusive. Not all old people in care homes are visited either and again there are reasons as to why that is.

re your comment

"For me it's the fact he hasn't seen them physically for over a year? He could help with seeing local care homes, help with the day to day decisions over the carer, help with the maintenance with the large garden when he visits. Help clean and tidy the clutter".

What can he realistically do on a short visit?. If its a matter of a couple of days not a lot. Trying to get a parent who does not want to go into a care home is extremely difficult, infact nigh on impossible. Its likely going to take a crisis before that happens or she herself decides to go into one. He cannot make any day to day decisions re the carer as the carer has a remit to follow. And a gardener could be employed to deal with the garden/clutter.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he didn't choose to be this far apart they moved away in the early 2000s I know it's tricky but just seeing him making some bloody effort, would be nice.

When he says he has no time but can go to the pub, do his own stuff for weekends on end, and yet can't take a 3-4 days out of his live every 3- 6 months to see his elderly parents.

Your can understand you losing respect for him as a person.

I wonder if you become ill will he head for the hills.

re your comment
"Yes good childhood all needs met, zero issues and they have been very generous with him financially".

How do you so certain of this re his childhood needs being met and zero issues?.

What about their emotional support?. That is also important. Did he feel loved by them unconditionally or was it transactional?. He may well be burying his head in the sand here re them but the road to hell here is really paved with good intentions.

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus I've always in 20+ years of marriage been lead to believe it was a pretty standard upbringing with no major dramas, I feel this is making me question the situation as well, to wonder if there is a darker side because I simply can't comprehend the lack of care.

I'm confused - are you NC with them? Or do you just not visit them at their home / provide care?

If you are NC with them - this has to be for bigger reasons that their home being dirty, surely?

I have been sick and he's nothing but caring, steps up and supports us, he cares for our animals and cares for friends and others in a way that makes me question his total lack of care for his parents.

He says distance, time, my sister has it covered.

"When he says he has no time but can go to the pub, do his own stuff for weekends on end, and yet can't take a 3-4 days out of his live every 3- 6 months to see his elderly parents".

I presume he works during the week. Where would he stay in the event he went to see his parents; this is all going to cost your family unit time and money.

You cannot make him do the above and trying to is a futile exercise. He has his reasons for not seeing them and the phone also works two ways. Why have they seemingly not contacted him themselves?.

I agree with you, I would lose respect for him too.
He would bother if it was important to him, and not being bothered enough to make a little effort would not sit well with me either.
Be frank and tell him how you feel. Tell him it’s changed your view of him as a person, perhaps irreparably.

Yes, OP, I would find this a massive turn-off also. Yanbu.

Technically I had a decent upbringing, all needs met, clean tidy home, etc etc but both myself and my brother have a bitterness from a lack of emotional warmth in our childhood, we both had a couple of accidents which came from a negligence to what we were up to and we were both very young at the time. Nothing major just silly little things but it sort of reinforces that we didn't matter much. It's worth talking calmly to him to try to find out why he doesn't care for them quite the same especially as he stepped up with you.

You do not know the full ins and out re his childhood and his sister's experience of same was perhaps a lot different. Sometimes a sibling is favoured more than the other child. What is his relationship to his sister like?. His sister may not actually want him to be involved also due to inheritance. There are reasons why he has acted like this towards his parents.

He seems to be a good man; he continues to support you through illness and is a good friend to others. Why would you lose respect for him; he not having day to day contact with his parents is not itself a character flaw either.