My DH relationship with his parents is making me question who he really is

[greenrollneck]

I'm debating this should be in AIBU but essentially my DH parents are elderly frail and live the other end of the country, over the years I've distanced and watched my DH do absolutely sweet FA to support them and his sister lives very close.

He will message, WhatsApp offer verbal support but the burden on the care of his parents falls squarely on her shoulders. They should be in a care home that's the level, they can't care for themselves at all.

I don't even like my SIL very much but this is essentially what my own sister has done to me, and left me to be the carer and support for my own mum.

My DH hasn't visited for a year, he says he's busy, doesn't have time and what he is doing is burying his head in the sand that his folks will live forever and this somehow isn't his responsibility.

I'm just about at the end of my respect for him as a human, his lack of care, lack of effort and ability to dump this on his sister makes me really dislike him.

I've told him all of the above but I'm not sure he quite understands how serious I am and how disappointed and sad I feel.

What would you do? Step in and let SIL know how you feel about his and see if her shouting at him works?

Accept he's an uncaring piece of shit and have a very big conversation.

Or just butt out and let him be the one that feels bloody awful that he didn't support them at all?

No-one is asking him to be a carer! He's not seen his elderly and declining parents in a year. No supporting his sister, no arranging their care, not even an online shop. That's fairly basic being part of a family stuff for most people unless there's a strong reason not to have contact which the OP hasn't indicated. I would be devastated if my family couldn't be bothered with me even once a year, whatever my age, unless they were financially strapped, or lived in Australia, and I'd send them the money to come.

I do have a very close relationship with my mum though, and she cared for her mum for many many years when she was elderly, so I don't think it will.

I think people are in denial about what most men are like when they have to do caring, of their own children, of their parents and of their wives when they decline and they just keep going on about family dynamics and leave it all to their wives and sisters to continue to shoulder most of the burden, make themselves ill and live less of their own lives. Sorry, but this is a gender issue through and through.

I am in the throes of this at the moment. It has pretty much destroyed my relationship with my sister, I have been saying for 2 years ( since I moved nearby) that they need to be in a care home/village and she thinks they aare fine,
Can you get them into a care home near you, Yes they wil complain but my mum is stuck in hospital at the moment as they won't discharge her unless she has 24/7 nursing care. We are trying to organise it as fast as possible but we did this 3 months ago and they basically insisted on leaving and my sister drove them home!
Try to find a nice place ( maybe halfway between your place and DSIL and organise a roster). It is totally shit, where I am ther is a 12 month wait to get free govt services at home so basically useless. ABsolutely terrible. Good luck.

OP, some people have very complex relationships with their parents. Added to which, none of us are under any obligation to become a carer for elderly relatives.
This is your husband's issue, for good or ill, and really it's probably better just to let him make his own decisions and not judge him.

I’m a woman. I shan’t be taking any responsibility for elderly mother. Don’t suppose I’m the only one.

@MrsSkylerWhite if she's abusive or nasty or just very detrimental to you, I think that's fair enough. But you still visit three times a year, which is three times more than the OP's husband. My guess is you wouldn't not arrange care in a home as well, even if you don't do it yourself or even speak to her.

It's a level of disengagement that isn't possible for most women, even if they have horrible parents, and they often get landed with their husband's difficult parents as well.

I don't think you should have to do it by the way.

I could be your DH although DM (nearly 80) is still in reasonable health, drives and has a good social life. I rarely see her although I could make time to do so (about 4-5 hours away). DB lives close to her , although she is always moaning to me that he doesn't do enough for her so tbf she is pretty independent because she has to be.

From the outside I'm sure my childhood looked fine, but she was emotionally distant, cold and unloving, downright cruel at times, and prioritised her husband (not my dad) from the time she married him in my teens until he died around the time I met DH. We have never been close, it's always been "phone call once a week and visit once a year" since I left home 30 odd years ago.

DH can't understand why I don't make more time for her as all he sees is the nice little old lady he's known for the last 10 years or so, who is always bemoaning she lives so far away so doesn't see us much, tells me she loves me all the time etc. He's told me I will regret it when she dies. I feel...ambivalent about it tbh. I might regret it, I might not, I'll take my chances. I know it puzzles DH and it may make him think less of me, I'm not sure. He knows my reasons but I'm not sure he really understands them.

Conversely if anything happened to DH I'd be there for him no matter what.

As others have said there may well be more to his childhood than you know.

BetterInColour · Today 12:43
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if she's abusive or nasty or just very detrimental to you, I think that's fair enough. But you still visit three times a year, which is three times more than the OP's husband. My guess is you wouldn't not arrange care in a home as well, even if you don't do it yourself or even speak to her.”

No, shan’t be having anything to do with care arrangements.

Exactly this. We all make different choices, but sentimentality doesn't help anyone.

For fucks sake. I'm appalled for you. He's completely denying that he is just as responsible for looking after them as his sister. If he's seen you do it with your parents he will be more than aware of the toll caring for your parents has, and he's a fucking idiot if he thinks that his sister isn't going to be suffering from burnout and wouldn't jump at the chance of him giving as much help as he possibly could.

He could move in for a week to give her a weeks' respite. A weekend. A fucking day.

He could take over the admin that involves ringing doctors, researching and visiting care homes, arranging benefits, pensions, etc etc.

He could do the "big jobs" when he visits - the ones that his sister puts off or isn't tall enough to reach safely, or that are important but not urgent so she never has time to get around to them, like take crap to the tip, tidy up the garden (this time of year is ideal), install the handrails and general stuff that elderly people need, clear the gutters, fix the leak, call and supervise the plumber...

Hell, he could be there on the phone for his sister to let off steam to, cry, decompress a bit.

If the dynamic is this common one, he will be the golden child who can do no wrong and who is Very Wise to his mum, and she would actually listen to him if he visited and told them he thinks it's time they went into a care home.

Show him my message if you think it will get through to him:

NO, your sister HAS NOT "got it covered". I guarantee that even if she is coping, she is struggling, and there is important and useful stuff that you could be doing that would make her suffering less, and your mum's suffering less too. Caring for a loved one in this situation takes ALL of your mental and physical energy. If she's holding down a job too that's even more - if she's given up her job, she's working 24/7/365, always on, never fully ]off duty and able to rest for fucking £70 a week. Give. Her. Your. Support. It doesn't matter that you are 8 hours away so can't do the daily stuff all the time - YOU COULD HELP. Imperfect help is 10000000x better than no help. If you continue to ignore it all and not even god damn visit, you are choosing their suffering, I promise you.

I get that it's hard to see your parents age and their health decline. I'm in the middle of it myself, I really really do. It's death by 1000 paper cuts. But don't make your sister do it all without you.

I think you are being really unfair on your DH. My dad died last year after having dementia for 5 years or more.

Having a parent with dementia is really fucking awful. Seeing them angry, confused, scared, not recognising you is jsut the worst thing ever and I would never, ever judge anyone who chooses not to put themselves through that. My teenagers couldn't handle seeing their grandad towards the end and I would never have put pressure on them to see him or visit. Your sister in law has clearly decided that she is happy to deal with the day to day needs, and if the option of residential care is there and she is not investigating that, this is a conscious decision she has made. Also, speaking as someone with DIRECT experience of dealing with a parent with dementia, any change to the routine such as your DH pitching up all of a sudden is going to throw them for six.

Similarly, you have made the decision to be a carer for your own mum and your sister has made different choices. You clearly resent that and are projecting your own feelings ont your husband's situation. Being a carer is relentless and if you both live a considerable distance away, what is he supposed to do?

Life would be better for all involved if you stopped being so judgey.

Diistance makes things difficult but not impossible.
I have a friend whose husband was one of 4. One of the siblings lived close to the parents so all the day to day care fell to her but the other 3 ( 2 of which were males) rearranged work schedules and did their bit every 3rd weekend to help their sister out.
Such an arrangement isn’t as easy when there’s only 2 of you to share the load, but I think that whilst a regular monthly visit and cover for a holiday might be inconvenient it wouldn’t be impossible to arrange. Where’s there’s a will there’s a way.
The OP’s sister-in-law may well be happy to run her self ragged and not want any help but Iike the OP I’d be thinking a little less of my husband for not wanting to help his sister out and caring so little about his parents who are on a downward decline that will only lead one way.
We are all different but if I was the SIL here I’d be making it clear to my brother that he should be making more of effort

EPankhurst

FFS, no one is “responsible” for their parents.

But he doesn't. Nobody is asking somebody who has a complex and unhappy relationship with their parents to care about them.

They're asking a man who had a happy relationship with his family to alleviate some of the shit that his parents and his sister are going through.

I get where you're coming from. I took care of my elderly father with dementia and my brother was extremely hands-off. I tried to cut him as much slack as possible as he lived abroad, but he came back to the UK often and spent more time with his friends than our dad. He would also always be full of advice for me about how to handle things, like the multiple hospital appointments/social care etc - despite me dealing with the nightmare of all that on a daily basis.

In my group of female friends, all in our 50s, we all have brothers like this - it's almost a running joke how useless they all are. They would never admit it, but they're all more than happy for their sisters to run around and deal with all the caring responsibilities while they bury their heads in the sand. It's just entrenched.

I will say I can think of two male friends who are absolutely brilliant with their parents, so I know it's not 'all men'. But a definite thing within my circle of female friends.

You've probably said this, but how would he feel if his son acted like this when he's that age? Would he feel abandoned, hurt or disappointed?

Like a PP said, I'm surprised at some of these answers! Your DH is free to do sod all while your SIL shoulders the bulk of the care - is he also expecting half his parents' assets when they die?

I have a DB like your DH (although there's more baggage from the past) I still think he is capable of actually showing a little bit of concern and involvement with my DPs. His wife is not bothered in the slightest by his lack of engagement. And while it is 100% my DB's responsibility that he only sees my parents for about 1 hour once a year (if that), a little bit of recognition that he might regret it in the future, from someone other than me, would be really helpful. So it's good that you are bothered by his attitude. But it's not one you can do much about unfortunately.

Yes I mean he did do it!! I’ve just read it back and was like 😐 thankfully you knew what I meant, Hope others do too.

and yes whilst not whisky 😂

It's a level of disengagement that isn't possible for most women, even if they have horrible parents, and they often get landed with their husband's difficult parents as well.

To be honest it is not a position that we should be vaultings/lauding here though. I think there is a limit to the caring responsibilities of adult children who have many other responsibilities too and so many people (often women although not entirely women where I am from) get entangled (manipulated by culture and often families) in undoable situations.

It is often seen in those who have been the most conditioned to have zero boundaries (yes more often though not entirely women) who are most at the mercy of the worst of these situations. I have a male colleague who has cared for a dying wife/ dying mother psychologically ill sister and psychologically damaging father (my colleague has huge mental health problems from all of these responsibilities too) for the last twenty years. I have an uncle who spent decades caring for an overwhelming grandfather in very dodgy circumstances.

In short I wouldn’t be delighted if I was the OP about her husbands level of engagement in these but equally I wouldn’t be thrilled about the level of expectations she puts on herself and that her SIL puts on herself either. Both women appear to have physical/pscyological/caring limits that they themselves are over riding and that is an issue here too.

I pray I am never a burden to my children. Raising a child is completely different to caring for an adult especially one with dementia. It changes the dynamic of the relationship from child/parent to that of carer and the quality of that relationship will deteriorate and cause untold resentment.

Its not compulsory to care for your parents. Its a choice no matter the guilt tripping and I see many parents expecting it when they never cared for their own parents.

I guess I am in your SiL's position. I am looking after my Mum while my brother does nothing. He hasn't been to see her for at least 5 years, and has no plans on going that I have heard of. We both live quite far away, I am about 4-5 hours away while he is 8-9 hours. I talk to my Mum daily, and am back 3-4 times a year. Honestly, it doesn't bother me that he does nothing. She's my Mum and would take care of her no matter how many siblings I had, so he doesn't really figure into my interest and time. I feel a bit sorry to him because he may well never meet her again, and I think that is something he will regret. Why he never goes to visit I think is partly an unwillingness to face reality, but mainly just laziness. He could come if he wanted to, but he hasn't. I haven't spoken to him about it.

I can understand why you are annoyed with your husband about this, but before actually making a stand, are you sure your SiL actually wants his help? I wouldn't get upset on her behalf until you know for sure how she feels.

What worries me is what if you get sick, cancer or something else God forbid, would he do anything to support you or just abandon you.

There is a tremendous amount he could do from a distance
He could arrange carers, take over managing household bills and finance, arrange a gardener and or cleaner, look up local help for appointments and lifts and socisl events could arrange someone to visit and chat

But he doesn't. Because he doesn't want to. My brother in in Australia. Could do all this. Doesn't

This is what I'm thinking she may well listen to him.

I think that you have to try and separate out the issue you have with your dsis from your DH’s family situation. It’s not that they’re not similar, and I can see why it’s causing you pain, but you won’t solve your relationship issue vicariously through his.

His dsis is not a cypher for you. For some reason he can’t cope with the reality of his dp’s situation and he’s burying his head in the sand. When someone is doing that, they will only try and bury their head further if you go on the attack. This isn’t about you and it never was.

I have no doubt that you have needed support from your dh as you cared for your dps. Sometimes it’s not even anything practical - for me it was coming home to a sane, easy conversation after a day of my df’s mad ramblings that just grounded me again.

Your dh needs support here too and you’ll be better equipped to figure out what that is, if you’re not projecting yourself into the situation. If you hadn’t had that experience, and you weren’t thinking about his dsis or dps feelings and needs, but only about him, what would you do?

None of that is to say that you’re wrong to consider everyone’s feelings, and that his head burying isn’t hurting people. You’re completely right. But how you help him out of the hole he’s made is what I’m trying to point out. Climbing in isn’t it.

The first major medical scare with my pils send dh into the sand head first too, and I had to nearly insist that I would go to see them to get him to face it. He didn’t know how to talk to his dm, or what he could say to his df. But of course, once he was in the room, everything was fine.

If your dh can’t face it alone, could you take him up to see them? Keep the stakes low. And stay out of it if you can. You might have a better idea than this. But if you simplify your goal to helping him, rather than trying to force him to behave in a particular way, it will be easier.

Well that’s on the sister to say it’s too much for her. They can refuse point blank all they want, but they will know that puts her in an awful position. If she dropped down dead tomorrow they wouldn’t have a choice. So I would say they are selfish for letting her continue to do the caring when it’s clearly too much