He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

Its not very reassuring is it ? It very much reads that he is staying purely for the kids. That will never work if that is the case. I personally would put a time limit on it.. currently he has all the power because he doesn't care the way you do. The OW has shifted his focus, it may come back but at the moment its still there if he is still communicating with her telling her how much he misses her
I'm not saying throw in the towel but I would take some of the power back.

I’m pleased to see you have started a new thread and given us an update.
Have you asked him to detail clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed?
Having outlined them how does he propose to remedy them?
Maybe that will be a starting point but I do agree with @workshy46.
We’re here for you OP as we were before. 🤝

He admits he is missing her, he admits he decided to stay with you for the children. It was a year long affair not a one night stand, he committed to another woman for a year while lying to you everyday.

You need to stop worrying about the feeling he has for her and start worrying about why you are staying and only thinking about his feelings and his choices. Why are you obsessing about what he is feeling? He admits he misses her and he has since told her this. Please start thinking about your feelings, your choices, your future. Why is he getting to choose to stay?

The fact he has already been back in touch with her is not a good sign if part of your agreement for reconciliation was that he cut contact with her totally.
The fact he is admitting to missing her does not bode well.
If I were you though the main problem I would be having is just not believing a word he says. He is a proven liar. And whatever assurances he gives you seem meaningless because of his capacity for deception.

I completely get this - I’m not trying to be frustrating but the reality of his feelings and the situation informs my own. I feel it could be worked out if he still loves me, if there are things we can fix, and I need to consider what is best for DC. If this was a flash in the pan thing then I feel I owe it to them to at least try. I am considering what is best for me too, with as much information as I can gather.

Does he say he still loves you ?

He says it when we’re discussing everything but not frequently otherwise I suppose.

I'd probably hope for the best , prepare for the worst. If he can move on from and get over the OW quickly you probably have a chance. The time when your children are small is the most vulnerable to a marriage as life is a bit of a drudge and boring so easy to get caught up in the excitement of someone else.
He has to feel though that he has something to lose for it to work though.

The thing is though, it's not a flash in the pan is it - it's been a year. it's clear he is staying for the kids, and if he is not still in contact with her he will be soon and will just get better at hiding his tracks. He is minimising his feelings, telling you a vague outline, kidding himself he's doing it for you, when he's just doing it to save his own skin.

I was in a long term affair, he was staying for his kids (who were adults at the time) and there was never a time when we weren't in touch. I think the longest we had no contact was two months and usually when either of us ended it, it would only be days before contact was resumed. He wasn't strong enough to leave his wife and he desperately wanted her to end it. Maybe this is what your DH is doing too.....that way he can say he knows what he did was wrong but he tried to put it right and then blame you for the breakdown of the marriage.

He probably loves you for being the mother of his kids but is that enough for you? I know with my MM his wife can't forgive him and resents him massively, he also resents her as he sees she's the one in the way (she's not, he's a coward) and their home life is just awful. I would end it for your own sanity, as even if this current affair stops, he will do it again. Save your sanity and your well being and all it a day.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. But the very fact he’s been in touch with her to say he misses her?! Fuck that. Fuck him. I would be absolutely livid at that. Livid. That would be the final straw.

edited to add if you hadn’t accidentally found out this would still be happening. He’s not in the least bit sorry. He’s only sorry he got caught. Sorry if this isn’t helpful but I’m so angry for you you sound so lovely and you’ve been betrayed in the most awful way yet you’re remaining graceful and composed and trying to work things out while he is literally trampling all over you still by keeping in contact with her and telling her he misses her. Let that sink in.

How dare he have a conversation with her which included affection.

He's playing her. He's using and disrespecting you

I know that's hard to accept.

Do you feel loved? Valued? Respected? Wanted?

Do you feel like a wife he cherishes? Or has he put you in the 'mother of his children' category?

As a pp said, start thinking about your own choices, feelings and needs.

I know that id feel utterly heartbroken if I were you. Blindsided and floundering. But I think you need to regroup and take some control.

It reads like one of the reasons you are hanging onto him is that you don’t want the OW to win, and walk into a shiny new life (your words).

He has admitted to you that he misses her, he’s staying for the kids…

It doesn’t sound like either of you are sticking this out for each other or yourselves.

Get rid of him. He doesn’t love you. He’s a liar and a cheat and he will always treat you like a doormat now if you allow it. Have some self respect and model to your children. What would you say to your children when they are adults and had their partner cheat on them? I’m sure you would expect more for them and as such, you should expect the same level of respect for yourself. End it. Move on and enjoy your life, free of a liar. The way he is treating you is abusive.

OP I think it would be the final straw for me that he is continuing to communicate with her.

Think of yourself. This man knows how you feel and has continued to communicate. That's not a sign of a man who is trying to make amends to you. It's a sign of a man who is try to see how much he can get away with.

Ok. You do t have to decide now. You can leave home whenever you like, or never. You don't need to give yourself an ultimatum.

If you're unsure, give yourself a certain amount of time (dont tell him)

In your situation I'd hedge my bets. I'd plod on to see if the magic returns- personally id like to be able to tell my children that I've tried. But I'd also give it a time limit eg until next summer holidays. I would simultaneously be getting my ducks in a row, getting therapy etc in case things don't get better to a point that I don't feel as if I'm wasting years of unhappiness.

I would also tell some people you know about the affair. I know it sounds stupid but if you break up with him then you will be the villain. Be prepared but don't be fettered by the puppy eyes by him and everyone of or when you choose to leave.

Do what's best for you. And don't think it's good for the kids to be brought up in a fake or loveless marriage. They can tell.

What a horrible man. I'm sorry OP

Start making a back up plan. My sister started squirrelling money and assets away after her DH had several affairs. They had 2DC. I think by the way you are talking you may have resigned yourself to the fact it will be inevitable and my heart goes' out to you for that. It is very hard when children are involved.

Picture it this way - would DC be happier with a happier mummy and seeing daddy however many days a week, 2 birthdays, 2 christmas, can be a bonus.

Or would you like them to feel guilty when they are older and understand that mummy stayed with daddy because she thought it would make them happy, but was not in herself. Or that daddy treat mummy like crap so he could make sure he saw his children grown up and that mummy was always wondering in the background would it happen again, who is he messaging, is he really where he says he is, has she been in touch

You need to be happy and the children need to see that.

Do you love him? I think that maybe you live the idea of your family staying together (understandable) but thats different to loving him.

its sounds like a divorce wouldn’t be acrimonious and you’d be fine financially.

OP, PLEASE.
I get you have children, but don't buy this bullshit
from him.
I would never be my husband's second best, or a practical choice, thousand times I'd rather live alone.
I would happily kick your husband up the arse, if I could.
Sorry.

I’d be pretty pissed he hasn’t even blocked her. He’s still keeping lines of communication open. If he were genuinely committed he would have blocked her on everything.

Similar happened to my friend, she tried for 8 years for sake of kids but she just couldn’t forgive him or forget it, they are divorced now and she’s fine. Honestly I don’t think you’ll get past it I’m sorry to say and life is too short

A friend of mine had an affair many years ago. It lasted about 10 months and he even bought the OW very expensive diamond earrings for her birthday. It ended when OW got sick of waiting for him to leave his wife and threatened to tell her. He then realised he couldn’t live apart from his children, ended the affair and told his wife himself.

She decided to try to rebuild their marriage. Within a very short space of time my friend realised that he had just loved the attention and flattery, and that any marriage was more mundane and boring than the excitement of an affair. He realised that he had been a complete idiot and did all he could to rebuild his marriage. As a couple they had more date nights and worked hard to get their relationship back on track. Years later they have a great marriage even after their kids have moved out from home.

He didn’t miss the OW months after it ended, for him it had felt emotionally important at the time but he quickly realised that it had been a big mistake and just a load of lust and hot air away from the tedium of a young demanding family. He put all the effort he had put into his affair into his marriage.

From your posts it sounds like your DH is not in the same place emotionally at all. 💐

'- he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.'

Translation - I'm not that fussed about you and wish I could have carried on seeing my girlfriend but I don't want my children to see me in a bad light and I want to carry on living with THEM.'

This is just another affair waiting to happen.

If you can't read between the lines of what he is saying to you then I feel sorry for you as he is going to cheat again and again and again.

He's already fallen out of love with you ages ago, now it's just the false promises and trying to manipulate you.

Why the hell should you be in therapy over this 'prize catch' who has turned out to be a slipper eel?!

He's convinced you that you're the problem, not him!

I think the crux of it OP is down to the question of is he still in love with you or does he love you as the past and mother of his children.

They are two very different things. If still in love with you and you want to try then this is for you both to work on. However if it's a case of he loves you but isn't in live with you then that's a very telling aspect.

I also think you can possibly get past it, if he really wants to. Hopefully he has had a glimpse of what he stood to lose. It's worth a try. Will take an awful lot of effort on his part though. In the meantime, put some money away in an account he can't access.