He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

I'm sorry OP. It's been a year. A year of being with someone who, when they're together, completely focused on his needs (no competition with the house/work/the kids), who made him feel nothing but seen and validated and constantly affirmed him, let him know how much she enjoyed his company. They had time to bond, develop their own rituals of connection and a sense of shared experience and "history" with special places they met and what they did together.

Most people fall in love, if they're going to, within three to four months of first meeting. Of course he loved her.

Those feelings aren't just going to go away and he's going to be in a constant battle not to re-start the affair for some time.

There are lots of online banks that are virtual
require no credit check and you can basically put cash in

@Spikyseason stop being his option 2 you want to be No 1
not an option

80k in a year
that’s 6600 a month
15100 a week
200 a day

Thats what he has spent on the OW

and he bought you a 400 coat

FFS wake and smell the fucking coffee

He hasn’t left the ow they have just cooled because he’s been caught

I doubt very much if she wants her “sugar daddy” to go away

and that’s just what you know about
its bound to be more

You don't have to make any quick decisions but you must must start building a life for yourself outside him. Friends, hobbies , tennis and start looking to get qualified with regards work again. If he has that much spare cash he can afford childcare while you build yourself up. Once all this happens I suspect he will want you a lot more and you him less

I have followed your thread from the start and wanted to send you big hugs for the pain you are going through.

I don't want to inflict more pain but, from what you have written, I am not convinced that your H is committed to YOU. It does sound very much like he is staying for the kids. Or, maybe he looked at what separation/divorce would mean and decided that being a full time parent for 50% ( or what ever percentage you agree on) of the time doesn't fit with his big job and a shiny new life. Because he would have to full on parent when he has the kids.

I would worry that when the kids are old enough he would be off either with this woman or a new one. He sounds like he is resigned to his family life for now rather than committed to it. His tears and promises are to prevent you ending the marriage so that the status quo continues until he is ready to go.

I had an aquaintanice did this exact thing, the day after his DD sat her final GCSE exam he left. The OW had waited years for him.

I hated writing this because I know I am kicking you when you are down but if you can't leave now please prepare yourself financially and emotionally for your marriage to fail at some point in the future.

This

If the decision seems too big now - and I do understand that - park it. But in the meantime try to reclaim some of your life and a career.

You don't want to find yourself in 5/10 years time in the middle of a divorce with a one off settlement and no child support as he can manage 50/50 now they're older. Meanwhile you've given up your life supporting his career (raising the children so he can have the career with no worries) and have nothing to fall back on. Give yourself a fighting chance and focus on doing something about that now.

Will it mean he has to step up with the kids, or spend a lot of money on childcare to facilitate your career? Yes, of course. But if he's really committed then he will. He's spent approx 80k on the OW, it's the absolute least he could do.
He's finished early to spend time with the OW, so he can finish early to spend time with the kids while you work/study/do whatever the fuck you want because why not!

Your self esteem if probably at an all time low, a new career could help change that too. And then, if things don't get better, you're at least in a better position to walk away.

Oh please, why are OW so deluded? Your affair partner told you he can't leave because of the children, that his wife resents him, that he isn't happy etc etc so this is the truth? NO @LongtimeOW your married man is telling you what you want to hear (as they all do) to continue cake eating. A story as old as the hills 🙄

WTF do these desperate OW see in these selfish, spineless men? They live in hope in the shadows waiting for the married man to grow a back bone and get some integrity, which isn't going to happen. OW delude themselves that it's complicated to get over the fact they are just involved with a disgusting weak and self indulgent common and garden cheat.

I think if she gets 20k you should ask him to put 50k in your bank. As an apology. And then when you are mentally prepared for it you should divorce him and take half of everything else. He can still see his kids if you are divorced. You won't ever trust him again.

I had an aquaintanice did this exact thing, the day after his DD sat her final GCSE exam he left. The OW had waited years for him.

I know someone whose partner did almost the same ... literally the summer after they finished 'mandatory education' time, poof, they were gone.

It wouldn't be enough for me. I couldn't live knowing my husband was thinking about and missing another woman. If I'm not his everything then I'm not interested. I'd find a new life I deserved.

Sorry if my post felt harsh - but I recognised some of myself in you - I met my DH when training in accountancy. Hated it but moved into banking. As a woman it was hard so when we married and had kids I embraced our joint decision to prioritise his career and facilitate family life by being the SAHM. But I completely lost myself - I was someone’s mother and someone’s wife and my job was to prioritise them, wasn’t it? Because if I didn’t do that one job well, what good was I. Who was I? My needs, wants, dreams got pushed down and boxed up and I focused on being grateful that I was with someone with such a great job that I could stay home and be with our kids, grateful that he allowed it. I didn’t spend his money on fripperies because he spent silly hours working and, well, it was his money. My life and spending revolved around the kids. Not me. I lost touch with who I was on the inside and no longer took care of the outside either. I barely recognised myself.

My job was to support him, the kids, etc so that he could work, progress and earn. I developed our property so that it is now worth 3.5x what we paid for it but it took a long time to realise that I, too, was therefore contributing to our joint asset value. It took a discussion over how much life insurance money he would need to cover my role if I died and he wanted to continue his career that also crystallised the ‘opportunity cost’ to our relationship. (2x nannies, housekeeper, gardener to cover the fact that he is often away for weeks at a time seriously adds up). At that point I realised that his net worth was facilitated directly by my input. His achievement was actually partly mine.

So I went back to uni PT, did a BSc when the kids were 2 and 5, later a Masters and now a PhD (they’re 16 and 19). Am hoping to go back to work after a 20year career break next year (I have had offers from my uni) and only wish I’d been brave enough sooner. I’ve spent 20yrs prioritising my children - I adore them, but (due to ND issues) its been hard, lonely and thankless… and whilst I know they love me, they will be off soon and I will be here, alone. I’m not that close to the ‘mum friends’ I made when they were younger as I don’t really have much in common with them - I’m a nerdy/arts loving kinda gal so have just started to make friends outside that circle via my courses.

I am fortunate though that my DH loves me and considers me to be his best friend, the person he still for some reason loves (I was a moody, difficult bitch during menopause and my eldest’s issues), the person he would rather be home with bickering over the remote control, whose turn it is to chose the next Netflix binge set and it’s me he wants to travel the world with, not his colleagues or even his best buddies that he still goes on golf tour with. He has wholeheartedly supported by return to uni and is quite literally bursting with pride when he tells his mates about my pretty pretentious PhD topic and the fact he can’t wait to introduce me as Dr Lurker (🤣).

So I see you. I can see how you may have lost (or buried) yourself behind devotion and commitment to your kids. But the thing is, your kids will love you whatever, and they will love you if you prioritise your needs and your dreams. And they will respect and be inspired by you if you set out to achieve them. A good and loving partner would support and encourage you to do all those things too and I am not sure you have one of those. And you deserve one.

I really think you are selling yourself short, you are worth so much more. Please don't accept the crumbs from a man who has disrespected you and his children by spending an eye watering amount of money on OW.

If this was your daughters marriage what advice would you give her?

Your DH was obviously deeply in love with the OW and still will be and he may have his head turned again. The only reason he is with you is so that he's not the bad guy and ending the marriage.

Seriously, qualify for whatever it was you didn't. Rebuild a life independent of him, get your ducks in a row and fnck him to the far end of off!

I really feel for you OP. You’ve been treated awfully and been horribly let down. You’re understandably reeling from all of it.

It seems as if your focus is trying to work out what he feels about OW and whether that means whether trying to work through marriage is worth it or not.

Please please start from what you want!

If it were me I don’t think I could get passed the betrayal and the fact that he seems to want to stay for the kids, not you (sorry if that is blunt but it’s what I’ve taken from your posts).

I appreciate the prospect of walking away must seem frightening and overwhelming but what are the foundations for your happiness in the long run? We only get one life. Live it for you.

TBH there is no coming back from what he's done and you will always be suspicious of him.
I'm divorced from my ExH now but he gifted the OW a framed calligraphy copy of our Wedding Poem "Scaffolding". I had chosen it for the words but DH being thick thought that because they both worked in a Construction Department that it was relevant to this! Idiot!! He paid for it and had it delivered to his parents even chasing it up before Christmas.
This broke me, the words of that poem something so personal to us he then "gifted" trying to look intelligent and clever and she was taken in by it! They were both as bad as each other!
There was no coming back from what he did and I'm far happier now.
It may seem like a huge wrench doing this all on your own but you really will be happier and better off in the long run.
I did message her only the once about the poem and stated it was our wedding poem! Nothing romantic about being regifted something that was used on his Wedding day!! 😂

So sorry to read what he did. Absolutely vile.

I can see it comes across he is mainly here for the kids. I think that is an accurate summation and my gut feeling too, I suppose maybe I had hope that might change with time as his feelings for OW fade and we were perhaps able to rebuild on things. But I see that his language indicates he is feeling guilt rather than remorse, the fact he refers passively to ‘what happened’ demonstrates he hasnt taken responsibility fully for his actions except for a basic ‘it’s my fault’, and then him staying is his ‘penance’.

It’s really hard to build up the confidence to either leave or retrain etc as suggested - I had planned to maybe go back to work before all this came out. Now I feel that would be even harder as my confidence is so low. I do have my very small ‘hobby’ business but I don’t think anything will come of it, but it does at least give me something of my own to focus on. I agree that the OW and her ‘independence’ and career was all exciting for him compared to me as a SAHM (he did often find things I spoke to him about regarding the ‘schoolyard’ gossip irritating and was sometimes disdainful that I got so bothered over ‘small things’). But I don’t want to fall into the trap of trying to compete. Already feel as though that ship has sailed given what’s gone on.

But yes I agree the writing is on the wall and I need to prepare for it, though it will be small steps for a while. As many of you have wisely said, when the guilt wears off and his ‘decision’ really starts to hit home I will probably end up in the same position. And the kids will be older and more aware.

So sorry about this. How horrible!

Try reframing this as things you are doing for yourself, and not in competition with her. That is giving her far too much power and significance in your life. It’s great you’ve got your business, maybe this is something of your own you can focus on? See if there are other things, as PP have suggested, that you can do as well (classes, hobby groups, exercise?) just for you - building your confidence takes time. You also don’t need to leave him right away if you don’t want to. Just sit with the idea of it for now and take practical steps in order to protect yourself - be smart. You ARE smart, you can do this.

I also think he needs to tell family about what he’s done and you need to start telling friends to garner their support too. It is his shame, not yours. Although he doesn’t seem to have any shame, which says a lot about his character.

Small steps OP, you are stronger than you think.

Op, really sorry to hear the predicament you’re in.
I think you’re staying for the kids but also because of your dependence on him. As you say, separation feels so scary.
Actually, ripping that dependence away will undoubtedly make you feel so much better.
He is likely acutely aware that you’re unlikely to walk away and that’s very dangerous and probably why he is still taking chances contacting her. You don’t want to just end up being walked all over in this marriage.
Have you issued an ultimatum to him? Any further contact and you’ll divorce etc?
Please find your inner strength, anger and self esteem to set your boundaries strongly and not tolerate this treatment further.

I really do think some therapy would be helpful for you op. Because, unless I have read this wrong, you aren’t the one who has been doing the dirty? You haven’t been lying and cheating and frittering away family money on some bloke you’ve got on the side?
You have done nothing wrong and nothing to “deserve” this and you need to work towards accepting that. He had an awful lot of other options (discuss it with you, separate amicably, use his words like a fucking grown up) rather than the shitty ones he chose. This is a him problem, not a you problem.
I agree about him not being remorseful though. I hope you laughed loudly in his face when he said he “didn’t mean to hurt you”? Honestly, what did he think would happen when you found out? That you’d pop open a bottle of fizz and treat yourself to a bloody cigar? He knew full well it would hurt you and he did it anyway, because he is a selfish, entitled tool. Unless and until he can admit that, to himself and to you, he won’t change. And for what it’s worth, I do think people can change, but they have to want to and all the while he’s bleating on about “what happened” and never meaning to hurt you, his head is still up his arse.

He also said the consequences had been tough to handle. I presume by that he means he had to give up OW and deal with me being devastated… because really he hasn’t had any actual consequences, and I know that’s on me.

he said he didn’t intend for it to happen as well. Like him sleeping with her was just some cosmic event that fell out of the sky!

I’m another one who would strongly advise you to go and see a good counsellor. On your own.

For various reasons, your whole life is now moulded by him. Him, his career and now whether he’ll actually stay in the marriage or not.
Where is YOU? You, the woman who has needs, dreams, hopes? Who are you Nowadays apart from a mum and his wife?

You cannot carry on (regardless of what the outcome his affair is) living your life by proxy. You cannot stay a mere passenger in HIS life. You should be driving YOUR life towards what’s important for you.
I think you really need to gain some clarity around what you want from life. Just now, it’s all about him. How does he feel about the OW, will he leave me, is he only going through the motions. It’s all about him and him steering your life still, all under the pretences of understanding so you’re in a better place to take a decision (sorry if that feels harsh to read).

For now, I’d concentrate on yourself. Leave him stewing. In some ways, he shouldn’t (and doesn’t deserve) to be central to your life and your decisions.

I feel for you OP. I mentioned that upthread that my Dsis had to go through what you are going through and I was her ears for few years whilst her ex's affair had unfolded.

Your DH has completely compartmentalised his affair, family and work life as men have been doing many many years. The language he uses, the pure passivity and avoidance, is so textbook, avoids the blame and pure remorse. It was an unfortunate event that you had to stumble upon. He found himself having sex with OW for a year.

What would you be most afraid of going alone? Is it fanancials, kids or do you still deeply love him? Either way, start living for yourself. Make a long term plan to leave. Your kids will leave home in 10 years and we all know how soon that will come.

Don't be his life manager and facilitator because he doesn't deserve you. He shows you what he thinks of you by showing you through his actions that he can risk losing you.

Good luck!

Thank you - I can’t get my head around the ‘compartmentalising’ thing. It’s not as though they’re not thinking about their ‘other life’ when they’re with family. They have to plan. Probably fantasise about them. I don’t understand it.

I’m not sure about ‘deep love’. I’m ashamed to admit that my reasons for staying are mainly fear related. For DC but me too.