He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

The shame isn't yours. It's all early days. It is very unlikely he's stopped contact and I'd be preparing and planning for the day in six months when he says he tried but he couldn't do it and is leaving for her (or the idea of her).

There is only ever hope when it stops being what happened and moves to what I did. Until then the compartmentalising and victim mentality keeps you at risk of further betrayal.

Compartmentalising doesn't mean he forgot about you. It means he was able to justify having an affair to himself and so could keep it all separate. His penance is now being separated from the woman he loves. Pretty soon you're going to be seeing some resentment (you've got in the way of his happiness) rather than remorse. If not, I'd bet money it's because he's still seeing her, so there's no resentment just guilt and "poor me" for being in this horrible position.

The compartmentalising is easy when you have a full life, OP. Home is just somewhere you are for a couple of hours a day on a weekday. You have your work life and work friends. Social life and friends. Parents and siblings. Hobby world. Often those worlds don’t overlap. It’s like when you’re at school: what happens there stays there mostly, and what happens at home definitely stays at home. Brownies doesn’t infringe on school; family holidays abroad don’t get relayed to your Brownies friends. It’s easy. You switch in and out of each world as necessary.

Your penultimate update just reeks of his contempt for you. I don’t mean a sneering, looking down his nose contempt. More a negligent, thoughtless, taking you utterly for granted contempt. You don’t really figure much in his life. It’s difficult for you to imagine because he and your DC are your whole life (I too am a SAHM but have made huge efforts - and it is an effort - to ensure I have a full life. I know how easy it is to slip into a comfortable, small existence.)

@Spikyseason you are not alone in feeling scared of the unknown. I clung to my marriage for 5 years with the ow lurking in the background. I took the baby steps of taking on more skilled work in my profession even though I was part time. Then when kids got older I asked for separation and divorce. I got a higher paying full time job, brought a house and met a fantastic man on old of all places! But I remember being like a deer being dazzled into stagnation by headlights. I sometimes have to pinch myself and remind myself I did this through tears, anger, hardwork and exhaustion.

i think that counselling is your best bet to help equip you with the tools to face your fears. I know one of your fears is becoming like your poor dm and that needs to be explored too. Go to two sessions a week as money isn’t the issue here. Don’t tell your Dp you are going either. Keep it private and just for you. Find your safe space. I know counselling is so tiring as it brings up all the emotions but it’s really going to help.

@Spikyseason your children will always be loyal to you, please don’t fear this. My kids just called me as they are staying at their dads and ow has turned up. They tolerated her a few weeks ago ( they have know her since they were kids as she was meant to be ex’s friend) however tonight they called to say they didn’t want to see or speak to her. I always tell them to be polite and welcoming but there aren’t having any of it.

It is harsh but I think he sees you as a service provider. Keeping the home and family smooth while he has the big adventure of work and his romance. You fulfil a useful function in the running of his life like someone cutting his hair or servicing his car. You deserve so much more than this.

@Spikyseason very gently, but you are risking a lot by staying with him. the likelihood that he will cheat again is high. he sees himself entitled to do so.

You are also risking him taking time and making a plan to leave with his next affair, which will give him the chance to get his ducks in a row, move and hide money offshore, and leave you with less than whats fair.

I know you feel blindsided and out of depth. When I found out about my stb ex's affair after 25 years I couldn't eat, think or function. The grief was more brutal than anything I ever experienced. I wasn't able to confront him, the sadness was too overwhelming. BUT despite all of this, guess what - I'm slowly getting out the other end, life feels positive again.

I wish I could give you a preview into how much better your life will be without the gaslighting and lies. Please go and share with friends IRL. please speak to a therapist.

Well, isn’t he the big I Am with his HNW and ability to simultaneously destroy the lives of two women, all the time selfishly prioritising his own ego? He’s shallow in every sense - certainly not worth your loyalty or your unwitting children’s. Don’t betray them as he has done you.
I see you rationalised @Whenim63’s first para in the outstanding post at 14.16 (the best I’ve read for a long time) but I urge you to take on board the attitude, approach, advice and wisdom given. It might not come easily but it will save you time and further hurt and will serve you well.

I am guessing that he earns in excess of £500k per annum based on ability to spend £80K (£160k pre tax income) on OW, I also assume you hav e valuable house and assets so let’s say you end up a millionaire with spousal maintenance and pension on top you are in a very good position to make the rest of your life what you want it to be.
There is a vanishingly small chance of this marriage working out long term and therefore the question is how much of your life are you prepared to waste on a relationship that is going to destroy your self esteem and confidence.

Oh, op, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I read your other thread. Please remember you deserve to be happy. Your husband is lucky you're even considering giving him a single second of your thoughts. But think about what YOU want. Put yourself first for a moment.

My advice is not make any rash decisions yet.

You're very insightful and intelligent, but you need to let the dust settle down a bit.

Who knows it could very well pan out for both of you in the end, but give it a bit of time.

You say recently its fear on your part that keeps you there, I get that, you've a nice lifestyle and it's very hard thinking of having to do it on your own.

But logically, and from personal experience, it's the other way round, and much much scarier to stay, as others have said, years down the line you will be in a much worse position financially.

Staying through fear of the unknown? That's no way to live your life. You are a person! You aren't a cog in his wheel to keep it running smoothly. Please get some really good legal advice. And speak to your family who have your best interests at heart and get their views.

I know we sound very harsh but honestly, it's such a cliche and I'd just love to wave a wand to clarify things.

You say that eventually the will forget her. So what?

It is you that won’t forget it.

Why does this all rest on what he wants or does?

He is used goods. Other than the financial, he has nothing going for him as he is now just effectively a garbage person.

I would get a good settlement and another relationship.

I’ve clearly lost the point where he indulged £80K on her, thinking it was £20K (neither of which is forgivable)…
but he has proved himself to be an uncommitted husband (drifted into it then had an affair), a resentful father, not a soul mate, not your best friend, not beyond hurting you in the worst possible way. He shows no remorse or responsibility. He’s even using fatherhood as an excuse to preserve his status quo.
What is he good for?
Money.
Take him for all he’s worth. Offload him.
Stop thinking she’s better than you. She isn’t. You have integrity - she doesn’t.

Op don't allow him to use you like this, I don't wish to be mean but you do seem like a door mat here. Stand up for yourself and have some self respect.
He spent a year with someone else that is no small thing.
Leave him and rebuild your life..do you.

You say you're staying out of FEAR:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Working on the basis you are not ready to leave yet (if you were I would have thought you would have done) I would really encourage you to continue with solo therapy. Do not get sucked into marriage therapy. You need to get yourself in a space where you know what you want to do about your marriage and you need to do that on your own.

This is a time of self love. Forget the marriage for now and focus on you. If he is a unicorn (check out chump lady if ready or wanting to leave) then he will be prepared to wait. The reality is he has lied and continues to lie so the odds are against him being one.

Just know that you deserve better

He wants to work on your problems for the sake of the children? He wasn't considering that when screwing another woman for a year, or going with her to buy jewellery.

He wanted to check the OW was OK after ending the affair? WTF? What about checking you were OK whilst he was IN the affair? He didn't consider you then. He's sorry you're hurt but he caused that hurt, he's entirely to blame for that hurt, and he didn't stop for a year to consider that hurt... or he did, and decided it was a risk worth taking.

Is he truly remorseful? Has he booked appointments with a marriage counsellor? Has he arranged a babysitter and to take you out somewhere nice for the evening? Has he admitted he fucked up and whether he gets to stay married to you is your decision? Has he asked how he can earn your trust?

Stop focusing on staying in the marriage because the alternative is he gets to walk off into the sunset whilst you rebuild your life is not a good reason to reconcile. What do you get? You get to stay married to a liar and a cheat. You get to spend the next however many years wondering if he's gotten over that relationship, or if he's sneaking around but now he's clever and you can't find evidence.

Yes, it hurts like hell that he's cheated and you have to deal with the fallout. You have every right to be angry. It's not fair. You weren't the one to break your marriage vows. Why should you suffer?Channel that anger to getting the best deal for you and your children whilst he's still feeling guilty. Channel it to making the best life for yourself. The best revenge is getting over him.

So what if he gets together with the OW. What does she "win"? An untrustworthy man who is prepared to lie over and over, someone with zero integrity. What a prize!

Take your time, consider your options. Play the long game if you need to - is he still remorseful and acting accordingly in one month, six months, twelve months? There's no time limit on when you can decide you've had enough.

I think it's now time to look out for you. Ensure your ducks are in a row. I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation; but he is the one who chose to fall into her vagina, numerous times. and you shouldn't be suffering any more than you have to. You say he will look out for you financially, but never underestimate how devious and difficult someone can get in a divorce.
Take care

They do say that men can easily compartmentalise love and sex, which is weird to me, but I'm female.

OP I hope it all works out the way you hope. If not always remember the saying 'I would rather accommodate my life to your absence than accommodate my life to your disrespect'.

So if you're staying together for the kids does that mean at 18 or 21 you're done? I'm 53 and my kids have left home.

Your marriage is dead OP. He will have another excuse as to why he has to contact her again. He doesn't love you and wants to stay for the kids, this does not work and is a recipe for a miserable disaster. Good luck anyway .

I didn't read it like that at all. The poster is setting out how the OP deserves to be treated (because she is actually incredibly valuable to her family but also a person in her own right) and that there are men who recognise both those things and would treat her with love and respect.

It sounds like the OP has been made to feel about 2ft tall by her grubby (and none-too-bright) husband and is now unable to recognise her worth. I read this poster as trying to give her back a sense of it.

Op, ask him to transfer you £80k, even if he has to get a credit card. Plus a monthly gift for you. You make the punishment financial for him. Everytime he mentions ow, fine him.

You decide what to do with that money. Will it be used to help you retrain in a new career? Will you invest it in a house for your retirement? Will you hide it and not tell him where it went? Will you give it to charity or donate it to your children school. Will you use it to hire very expensive divorce lawyers. You would get power that way.

Then you can say not knowing where or what you spent the money on can form part of his punishment. You want to punish him, but you don't want the dc to see it. He clearly hid it from dc before and he can do it again. But this time it will be for your benefit.

OP, he doesn’t love you, he just doesn’t want to have to move out of your house, only see the children twice a week, and pay maintenance. He will have other affairs but cover his tracks better, and will be moving money around to leave you when your youngest is 18.

If he can’t even pretend he loves you and regrets it, and is explicitly saying there are lots of problems and he only doesn’t want a divorce because of the children, this marriage is doomed.