He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

What a pathetic character he is. I don’t know why you’d be afraid to be on your own, you’re already on your own. You’re already the default parent who can do it without someone else’s help. You’d get half of his money, the house, pension, child maintenance, etc. you’d probably do quite well financially. You’d be away from this soul crushing, pathetic excuse for a man aaaaaand! You’d get some time to your self for self care, socialising and even dating if you felt like it when he has the kids. Trust me, you’ll be so much better off. And it’s not being alone, it’s being without him. You don’t have him anyway. I hope that now Christmas is over you will set the wheels in motion and free yourself of this awful scenario and find a better life for you and the children. They deserve a mum who is happy and mentally healthy. This marriage is making you sad and damaging your sense of self worth. Get out and have a good life.

So there is major dissonance between what he says and what he does. The words don’t match the actions.

Rhetoric is cheap though, right? Easy to say “the kids are my life” but hard to do that in practice.

I work with loads of people who earn £1m a year (not me though 😭). They are not generally flash at all - but man they are all mega mega competitive, at some sort of existential level. Insecure overachievers is the classic framing. Presumably their parents never loved them enough or something, and nothing ever can quite fill that void. Professor Laura Empson writes a lot about what it takes to succeed in this kind of environment.

BUT beyond a certain point who cares about him?

I am more interested in what motivates / drives you OP, what do you want out of life. Your husband has made his choices but what is it YOU want? What would happen if you centred yourself?

Mediation - you have to try, but in my experience a Mediator will call a halt if either party is not willing to compromise or one is dominating the other.
If you can't cope get it to work it can cut the legal costs, but even a bit of mediation can cut some costs. I managed to get my mediation through a Charity recommended by my solicitor, rather than another law firm (even then it's cheaper as the two of you are only paying one set of legal fees between you).

Why? Why does she have to try with a man who has cheated on her, humiliated her and spend thousands of pounds in potentially family money on some OW? Why should she try with someone who clearly doesn’t love her? Doesn’t she deserve to be with someone who actually gives a shit about her? If you’re thinking it’s because they made marriage vows, then it’s bullshit because he broke those vows over and over again and that makes the marriage contract null and void. Having an affair is a form of abuse and mediation doesn’t work with abusers. What lesson is she teaching her children if she stays with this man who has treated her like crap? That it’s ok for people to treat you like crap, lie to you, humiliate you and use you as a childminder and housekeeper? Why the fuck would you advise someone to stay with someone like that?

People can choose mediation as part of the divorce to manage the asset division. Its not necessarily a firm of capitulation or reconciliation.

They can but I personally wouldn’t with a man like this. Instead, I’d be hiring a forensic accountant to make sure I knew exactly how much money and assets he had and then I’d be taking it to the lawyer.

Agreed.

Probably not a bad shout. I think he suspects something is up as he told me today ‘I am never leaving my children’.
😬

I hope you do it! What an odd thing to say, especially considering it sounds like he spends minimal amount of time with them anyway. It really is all about his image.

How are you feeling about things now that Christmas is over?

Knackered to be honest, and terrified, perhaps irrationally but I am unsure of how he will react. I think once the wheels are in motion though things will become easier, it’s the first step I suppose.

@Spikyseason Yes he does seem like he has to have control over things. He will be in for a rude awakening. Do you have an idea of how you will go about telling him? Have you told anyone IRL yet? It will be so important for you to have support.

His ego and fear of exposure are your friend here.
Your proof of 80k spent on her is your friend.
He is NOT going to want this going public.
Let me assure you that no one with half a brain will not be appalled that a man who gifts his wife fxxk all spent 80k on his piece of ass in the office.

He lectures others.
Thats particularly sweet.
I bet the papers would love a piece from the scorned wife!
Gather your proof and make it crystal clear you intend to shame the fxxk out of him.

Men like him loathe the truth emerging.
Shit cheating husband.
Shit absent father.

Never with his children unless thd nanny is an arms length away.
Fatuous claims of "dying for his children" when he can't care for them for 5 minutes on his own.

Lecturing egotistical high flyer caught with his pance down.
Spending obscene money of his piece.

Do not underestimate the appetite for such gossip.

It is a weird thing to say. In his mind, us getting a divorce is probably the same as ‘leaving his kids’ because that’s probably how he thinks other people would perceive it. If he knew he was a present, capable father he wouldn’t be worried about ‘leaving’ DC because… he wouldn’t be! It’s weird!

Plan to leave. He is not in love with you and is only there for the children. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. It sounds like now is a good time to strike (re forensic accountant and any other practical matters) before he becomes more suspicious that all is not well. It is utterly ridiculous he’s ever thought things were well, and again shows how out of touch he is with you emotionally.

In what context did he say he'd never leave his children? Were you discussing separating?
I'm sure once you make a decision and get the ball rolling, put yourself back in control you'll find a weight has lifted. ❤️

He was discussing plans next year in terms of work / holiday and I made an off hand comment about how it was arrogant to assume I would just always be around to take care of everything given what’s happened, and that was his response.

I have told a close friend, so I do have real life support x

@Spikyseason I’m so glad. And good for you standing up to him. He’s an arrogant, delusional fool.

@Spikyseason

I get why you said it, his presumption is epic. BUT right now you need to be 'stealth'. Saying nothing to rouse suspicions or make him start hiding assets or seeing solicitors (although he may already be doing both).

As frustrating as it is, it's best that he think you either accepting of the status quo or paralyzed into inaction. There will be a right time to let him have it with both barrels, but that time is not now. Remember, be just like the swan on the river, appearing calm and placid on the surface, paddling like mad underneath.

If you haven't seen a solicitor (I can't remember) then you need to see one ASAP. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' you're just educating yourself as to what a divorce may mean to you and how best to protect yourself against any shitty/shifty moves he might make.

Onwards and upwards.

Sounds like a threat to me. He’s trying to use the children as a weapon to control you and stop you taking him to the cleaners. Fuck him! Get the forensic accountant and get a lawyer that will take him for everything.

Saying he would never leave the children sounds like he’s trying to worry you that he’ll go for full custody. Not that he’ll get it obviously, but they do like to threaten this, and leaving you with nothing.

Take care what you give away. I feel like you will stay until he wants out.

But if you are planning to start discussing divorce etc with a solicitor, don’t give him any hints. If he’s worried you might leave, he’ll start hiding even more assets than I suspect he already has hidden.

Good on you for telling someone and building that RL support - whatever you decide you've got some external perspective there.
His comment is baffling - either he's still of the mindset that it's entirely his choice whether he stays or not and he's living his 'I'm the hero who chose to sacrifice my happiness' to stay story. Or as others have said, it's a threat that he'd go for full custody. I'm assuming you're in the UK and you've not got any skeletons in your closet he'd use against you etc. so this is utter baloney designed to scare you into submission?
Only you know him, but I'd guess the gloves will come off if you did blindside him with divorce and threaten that image of his. Those holier than thou articles for work would look rather shoddy 😉

I genuinely think he does believe that, given the comments about him ‘deciding’ to stay. And the huge sacrifice he has made as he is so devoted to his kids… I don’t think he will go for full custody, he wouldn’t get it, I’m a SAHM. He works all hours god sends. Deep down he knows he wouldn’t manage. And then he would have to admit to himself and others he isn’t the ‘great dad’ he purports himself to be.

Get that forensic accountant on the case pronto and stop giving hints. Don't say another word until the day you're ready to pull the plug. He may well go for 50:50 with a nanny. Do not underestimate this man. He isn't the man you knew. Expect the worst of him, then double it.

Sorry I missed the first thread. How old
are your kids @Spikyseason