He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

I agree with most of the previous posters. OP he doesn’t respect you, he has no regard for your feelings. It is outrageous he contacted the OW and told her he missed her! He lied and deceived and manipulated for a year and I get a sense there is no genuine remorse from him. All he has done is minimised your feelings and shut you down - how is this demonstrating his love for you? Where is his passion for YOU, as a person, as a partner, not just wanting to keep things the same for the sake of the kids. This is the easy option for him. You don’t need to do what he wants, he does not hold all the power here.

Children learn about relationships through watching their parents; this becomes a blueprint for what they expect and what they accept in relationships when they grow up. Think about this. Don’t settle for less than you deserve because you are afraid of change. Be brave, raise the bar. You deserve better. Show your children this.

At the very least, set a time limit on this - a time point in the future where if you still feel the same anguish you will leave. You don’t deserve this torture, you are the only one suffering here OP.

I agree! Ask for the 80k once you have it leave .
Sorry this is harsh but if he loved you he wouldn’t do this .
seems like he cares for you as you have a history and are his children’s mother .

I couldn’t be with my someone who did this but I wouldn’t be anyone’s second best .

Sorry OP, but I would run for the hills. Have some self respect, pick yourself up and start making plans. He is taking the piss...because he can.

the DC have no idea as far as I know. Neither of us plan on telling them and want to protect them as far as possible. Splitting up on the other hand would have direct and very real consequences for them. So although I appreciate they may pick up on certain things for the most part DH and I have managed to keep any ramifications away from them as far as possible.

I know I will never have the same marriage. I’m worried though that if we stay together for DC, if he can’t manage to shake feelings for the OW, eventually it will end anyway. I am weighing up if I can sacrifice a truly loving marriage for a functional and stable / safe upbringing for DC with their Dad around. Or if I’m literally on borrowed time whatever happens now.

Hi @Spikyseason I’m sorry you’re in this predicament.

I have been in a similar situation albeit minus the jewellery. I found out last year my husband was messaging another woman (found out from her). I tried to forgive and forget, we had counselling but ultimately the trust was never rebuilt.
Unlike you there were other factors at play, my husband was abusive on many levels and his betrayal was just one aspect of that.

This summer I found again he was messaging another woman, so I kicked him out. On top of everything else, it really brought me to my senses that he can’t and doesn’t want to change.

I’m not saying you can’t “get past it” or rebuild. But if you choose to try be prepared for a really hard slog. Including the feelings of guilt when you’re struggling to trust him again - it was always my fault for not being able to move on, not his for doing it in the first place. I’m not saying your husband will be the same but his explanation and the “it happens” BS is very similar to what mine said at the time.

Good luck ✨

I am weighing up if I can sacrifice a truly loving marriage for a functional and stable / safe upbringing for DC with their Dad around. Or if I’m literally on borrowed time whatever happens now.

I think it is possible, as others have said, but only if both parties' hearts are in it and they are making the effort. Am not sure this is the case for your husband, sadly.

And I know the money isn't really the point, but jaysus - £80k! Think how much good that would have done for your children's futures.

Have you seen the messages between them since it finished? I'd want to see that now he's admitted to it. What a mess he's made of all your lives OP, not to mention the 80k he's squandered.

"Adding it all up he spent in the region of around £80k on her.
I don’t think he is still seeing her (or anyone else) as the bank statements would be a huge clue!"
OP, what on earth are you thinking? How can you continue to cling onto the delusion that there is no love for her? Who the hell spends that much on a 'fling'? Plus, as others have said, it's the hundreds of lies and deceits (sleeping with you when he was sleeping with her, keeping up the pretence of still being 'in' your marriage, generally playing happy families when he'd checked out emotionally). He spent the money making armfuls of happy times with her.
I don't know how to say this gently but it does come with a huge virtual hug - his words do not correlate to his actions, even now - he's minimising, still addicted to having her in his life, negating your hurt and devastation with namby pamby platitudes about working hard to regain your trust - if your trust had meant anything to him he couldn't have done what he did.
I have been you (read my other replies), I KNOW how much this hurts and how you just wish you could go back in time and it wasn't your reality but honey it is and you must decide whether your heart can take the pain of living every second of every day going forwards not trusting him and wondering if he's with her, thinking of her, still loving her, wanting to be with her but staying with you for the kids' sakes.
That's where you are now....he's not the man you thought you knew, he's a man who does not love you beyond your mother role, he's 'in love' with her (and wants to be the man he is when he's with her). He just doesn't want to be the bad guy - neither did mine - and ultimately I was the one who kicked him out and filed for divorce (because I didn't want to be that woman - the one who never knew again if he would be faithful, or more to the point, the woman who knew her husband didn't love her anymore, not like he had and never would again).
I'm not projecting I promise - you are not me and I am not you - I just want you to stop thinking of the children as a reason to stay with him and really try to picture yourself living this fantasy of him being truly sorry and re-committing to you and ask yourself if you will be happy, or if something inside you will always be broken.
Only you can decide and it's probably too soon to make any considered choice. I'd say to separate for a while to give you both chance to properly think, but I know you won't do that because you strongly suspect he'll go straight to her and she'll 'win'. The truth is sweetheart that she 'won' the second he stopped caring enough about you to not take his pants off. I know that's harsh but you aren't going to help yourself see clearly if you keep clinging to his 'it just happened'.
He still seems to care far more about her hurt feelings than yours - what does that tell you?
I am so sorry this is happening to you, it's absolutely SHIT xxxx

Christ he messaged the OW saying he misses her ... that is unreal OP, and the way he casually tells you that. I can't get my head around it.

The children will absolutely pick up that something is amiss though. Especially the ongoing impact on you, children are very sensitive to picking up on emotions and vibes even if you are trying very hard to mask it. And they will grow up and become even more aware. Children can have a stable and functional home with separated parents, this is the case for so many people. Staying for the kids alone doesn’t work and that in itself is a kind of dysfunction. Children are happiest when they’ve got happy parents and I doubt you are happy in this situation OP. How long can you remain in this limbo? Set a time limit for yourself and take some power back.

He doesn't love you. It doesn't matter whether he loves the other woman or not. You don't treat people you love like he has treated you.

The DC need to see you respect yourself otherwise you are setting a horrible example of what women should put up with.

Hi @Spikyseason. I'm glad you've started a new thread and I think the idea of some counselling will be really useful. It will hopefully give you the space you need to think things through calmly.

I posted on your other thread a few times. What is clear is that your DH loves the dc. And I think he does love you but as the mother of his dc. Not as his wife, his life partner, his soulmate. He also clearly had feelings for the OW and probably still does.

He has "sacrificed" the OW because of the guilt. I would strongly suggest that you start making plans for a separate future while he is in the guilt phase as he is less likely to play hardball. The guilt phase doesn't last forever.

What a tough situation. I know if it were me, I would have no interest in staying with a man who outright said he was staying for the kids. I know people worry about the impact a split has on kids, but I can tell you now, as a child of parents who had a shit marriage and whose dad was a cheat - children DO know, they DO pick up on things, and, ultimately, I believe that having divorced parents is much better for children that having that type of relationship modelled to them (and they absolutely do pick up on things, even if they don't know the full situation).

I also speak as a single parent myself - the split with my daughter's dad wasn't because of cheating or anything like that, it was simply me not being in love and not being happy. It was tough to begin with, but we now have a great co-parenting relationship and my daughter is happy and thriving.

Of course, this is all just my opinion, you need to do what's right for you, OP. I hope that whatever happens, it works out for you.

We are here for you and a lot of us have been through similar and have had to find our feet that is why we say what we say - we can see the writing on the wall (based on your husbands actions)

1. yes, great idea re therapy - find your confidence and self
2. enrol in some studies, further education ( you never know when it will come in handy AND you will gain confidence etc)
3. see a lawyer (even if you think you are staying and he won't leave) - you are smart, so don't be stupid (said with kindness and what I would tell my best friend) - go and find out the ins and outs legally if you split now, if you stay together for a while, or if he leaves when the kids are older and when he doesnt have to pay as much in maintenance etc - knowledge is power and don't tell him
4. again kindly - he spent 80K, he contacted her recently - this is not over, and if it is, will start again, and if not with her with someone else. You can check all the statements you want, he can easily set up a seperate bank account and put his bonuses or commissions or a portion of his salary there - do you know how much he makes, have you seen his latest contract, his conditions, his bonus structure - get smart and take care of yourself
5. stay for a while if that is what you need, you can do 1 - 4 and still try etc, but you can try to make it work ( if you feel you need to) and be smart about it. His OW is smart and not a wallflower, stop being one. ( I am sorry I am being blunt, but you need to look after yourself, especially if you want to stay for a while to see what happens with him.

take care xx

I don't mean to be harsh, although you perhaps need it, but the smell of burning martyr in your home must be overpowering! What on earth are you doing with this prick?

I agree with all those basically saying you are fooling yourself. Stop lying down like a rug for him to wipe his feet on.

He's told you he misses the other woman and he came back for the kids. He gave her £80k. How can you tolerate this?? There have been no real consequences for him for his appalling behaviour and so he'll go back to her or someone else and do it all again because he's got no real liking or respect for you and he knows you'll do nothing about it. You both are claiming that you are prepared to miserably live together 'for the sake of the children',

It's a lie. He's come back because he doesn't want the cost of a divorce. You are clinging on to a man who doesn't give a shit about you because you are afraid of being alone, but you are both pretending it's for the kids.

It's not a marriage any longer, and it can't be saved. You are, literally on borrowed time. Go see a solicitor.

I'm so sorry, I read your other thread too and I can't believe he's been in touch with her again! Unfortunately, in my experience, this is going to keep happening. I had a partner once who was constantly texting other women, actually cheating, trying to cheat etc. He'd always tell me the bare minimum and swear he loved me. Then I'd find out something else, and something else and something else. He'd always promise not to speak to them again and before the week was out he'd be back in contact. It was hell and made me feel like I was losing my mind. Unfortunately once the trust is gone there really is no coming back. It sounds like your husband is saying the right things but actually getting in touch with her again even if it was only to "check in" is unacceptable. I feel like he's just biding his time and they will start up again in a couple of months. I really hope whatever you decide to do works out for you.

Doesn’t sound like he’s staying the marriage as opposed to staying in the family. There’s a difference.

How do you feel, living with someone who doesn’t love you and doesn’t really want to have sex with you?

£80 fucking k? Shit the bed. Plus a million lies.

Why do you even want to stay? I know you've talked about impact on the kids, but whilst they may not know right now, they have been impacted and will be impacted because your husband couldn't keep his trousers on.

You and he could split now, amicably and end up being great coparents and you could find happiness (not necessarily related to a new relationship). Why delay that?

I can't see that you've considered your life, your feelings, your happiness at all in any of this. Only his feelings and the kids. That's what needs to change.

And he's told the ow that he misses her? With all of this going on? That is not over, is it?

My heart sank on reading your updates, it's positive that you talked, but honestly, everything he has said only reinforces what I felt before in regard to his motivations.

There's a lot of talk about him sticking to his vows, staying in the children's lives etc, but not an awful lot about you two as a couple apart from the marriage having problems which he "thinks" can be sorted.

So when the children get a bit older and don't need so much parenting....what keeps him there then? I really think you want everything to work and to stay together, but you have said yourself, is it to provide a stable home for the children while plodding on as you are? I honestly get the vibe he will contact her again once all the angst has worn off, there's too much emotional entanglement as shown by the sheer amount of time and money.

You still wouldn't know about this remember, he would be living a double life.

OK, taking him at his word, and thinking positively , he stays for the vows and children, look at it honestly when they grow up, will he feel he's done his bit?

Life goes bye in a flash. I'm 67 and had I stayed with my prick of an ex I would have wasted 35 years of my life where I had a couple of terrible years but then life opened up and I was happy with an honest man and new son and not torturing myself on what and who he was doing.

You don't need to decide anything quickly, maybe I'm completely wrong, but this guy hasn't put this behind him in my opinion

I know everyone is right. I guess I am just kidding myself thinking we can just move on eventually and he’ll forget about her 😞 or ‘try’ for the kids sake, and it will actually work. He shouldn’t have to try to be with me. It shouldn’t be difficult.

@Spikyseason honestly, I look back now and think how was I that deluded that I thought we could work it out. I only regret not leaving sooner.
Its terribly difficult at first - and for the children - but 12 months or so of processing things and rebuilding a life for you and your children is nothing compared to spending a life time in a relationship where you’re made to feel inadequate, unsure and unhappy.

Don't forget his behaviour is a reflection on who he is. Keep that in mind.

I'm sorry spiky you sound so sad

Ultimately it's about how his actions make you feel- if you're not feeling valued, loved and as though he is doing everything he can to make you feel these things and show every day that he wants to be with you then you have to decide if you really want to settle for that. You deserve to be happy.

Having managed to extract 80K out of him, the OW has a particularly powerful incentive to continue to pursue him. It seems pretty clear that he isn't willing to reflect on his behaviour and how he made these disastrous choices in the past - I dare say his ego won't allow it.

I would definitely ask him to transfer at least 20K to you - not for the monetary value but to test his commitment to making amends. So far this doesn't seem to have consisted of very much that's costing him - practically, emotionally, financially.

OP, regarding your children you're trying to 'protect' from all this...

Is this the kind of marriage you wish for them? Where they know/feel second choice? Where their spouses are happy to carry on affairs behind their backs? Where they're expected to 'forgive and forget' after marital time and money is spent on others?

Apply your answer to yourself.

You deserve better.

£80k.
Bloody hell.
I would want that amount in my sole account as an immediate gesture of good fxxking will, before I could talk of seeing how things go.

That is an enormous amount of money to have blown on her.
Honestly OP, be sensible here.
Get that money in an account in your name.