He bought her diamond jewellery - Follow on thread

[Spikyseason]

I was in two minds as to whether to make a follow-on thread, but primarily I wanted to thank everyone who supported me on the previous thread. I am so grateful for such comprehensive and sound advice, and for those who were brave enough to share their own experiences with me. I do at least feel less alone.

I have an update as I spoke to DH when he got home yesterday, about everything. I’ll try to summarise.

He was still cagey about his feelings for OW. He did admit he missed her and he said he had communicated that to her since. He also said he was only human and had wanted to make sure she was ok, ‘what happened’ was his fault and he hadn’t intended to hurt her or me. He apologised for it, said it wouldn’t happen again. That ultimately he had made the decision to commit to his family and the promises he made. Usual. Wanted the opportunity to prove that.

The furthest he would admit to was that it was an emotional thing (couldn’t really deny that given the jewellery - he promised it was not a ring) but ultimately being in his children’s lives was more important, that clearly there are problems in our marriage that he should have addressed, he didn’t blame me, but overall he felt we could work on any problems between us for the sake of DC and he understood it would take a long time for me to trust him.

I do feel very much like he wants to just get back to normal asap. I also feel like he is maybe either lying to me about feelings for OW or in denial. Perhaps he thinks with time any feelings will fade. I think though if you genuinely loved someone that never goes away. I don’t suppose I’ll get any true answers on that front. I mean worst case he did and I suppose we just carry on and hope for the best and he forgets all about her, if he genuinely is committed to that?

On some level of course I worry this would never have happened if he genuinely loved me. I read something somewhere once that if someone falls in love outside of the marriage then it’s almost always irreconcilable. But if we’re both determined to make it work then I hope eventually the memory and pain will fade? I don’t know - I would welcome thoughts from those who tried but ultimately had to call it a day 😕 I don’t know if I’m kidding myself. My primary concern is DC but also aware I have a fear of change.

I was having therapy before, I’ve rebooked some sessions to help get my head straight as I don’t feel strong enough to leave yet. Part of me feels like time will test his actual commitment. Then there’s the angry part of me that doesn’t see why he should just be able to walk out on his wife and family into a shiny new life…

Anyway, I just wanted to provide a little update and thank you all again x

I genuinely don’t think the OW is pursuing him. in terms of reflecting on his behaviour, it seems he has as far as deciding what the objectively ‘right’ thing to do is but whether it’s based on the right intentions so far as I’m concerned is another matter.

If you were my friend I would be supporting you IRL, but also trying to build your self-esteem because it's apparent to me that you have very little. I feel desperately sorry for you.

Your DH has told you in bald terms that he is making do with you for the sake of your DC. A woman with good or high self-esteem would tell him (pardon my French) to fuck off and make do with someone else. My ire is rising just thinking about it: who the hell does he think he is, and why aren't you standing up for yourself?

I wonder whether, after all these years with him, as a SAHM whose waking hours are mostly devoted to assisting other people to live their best lives to the detriment of her own, as a woman with friends you don't feel you can admit any of this to, you feel diminished. You certainly hint at feeling less than the OW (made it in the career you didn't manage to, extracted 80k out of your DH when you got a 400 quid ring and practical gifts, cheated on you with her etc).

But it's clear from the way you write and the way you're addressing this that you're a smart woman. You just need support and to believe in yourself. YOU deserve to have someone treat YOU the way your DH is treating OW.

And, women need to STOP with the "I'd be breaking up the family" bullshit. The cheater breaks up the family; not the spouse who doesn't turn a blind eye. I just can't get my head around this. Yes, the outcome is irrelevant as far as the DC are concerned - but you are a person too. No child wants a doormat for a parent. Children need parents who can show them how to conduct themselves in a moral fashion, with good values, respect, good self-esteem. Not a self-effacing mother who settles for crumbs and allows herself to be treated as undervalued labour (just wait till your children get to tween and teens are really start taking you for granted: all this will come roaring back to sting you where it really hurts and it will take everything for you not to tell them what you've given up for them).

It's not easy. But it's clear what you need to do, and I think you know it. You just need the courage. You're going to have to find that within yourself. It won't be a wasted effort, because you're going to need a lot of it in the near future. And it'll feel amazing.

What a ghastly, weak man.

Bookmarking for later

He is a man, therefore I think it is perfectly possible for him to shag someone for a year and not have particularly deep feelings for them. And the jewellery? It is just what these sad fuckers do isn't it? "Sorry, I am married, so clearly a lying, cheating cockend. Here, have a shiny bauble to cheer yourself up". God can you ever imagine lowering yourself a) to shag a married man and b) to accept jewellery off him? It smacks of payment in kind to me!
It is all made up horseshit anyway, If he loved her soooooo much with hearts and rainbows and unicorn shit sprinkled everywhere, he would have left. How many men stay for the children? None I know and you don't have to look far on MN to see the many, many men that just fuck off into the sunset.
Having said all that, I do not like the " I miss her and I told her" twaddle. At all. The sad bastard is wallowing in the loss of his true luuuurrve, more than likely to make himself feel better. He HAS to convince himself that is was oh so important and meaningful and such a (barf) "connection", because otherwise, what does that say about him? He fucked his wife and children over for a shag? And blew his own life up at the same time? Not exactly the behaviour of a winner is it?
Unfortunately OP, I think he is still in the affair fog. Mooning around and continuing to be a selfish twat. Personally, I think it is time to bring out the big guns. He misses her does he? Well that is fine, fuck off with her pal, because you are no ones "option". If he wants Miss Grabby Jewellery woman then off he fucks. Personally, I think I would be showing him the door because, conversely, I think THAT will make him wake up. And if it doesn't, what have you lost really?

I think it’s good that you’re booked in for some more individual counselling as talking all this through will hopefully help you.

I wish I could say your updates are positive, but even you know they aren’t and that you’re potentially on borrowed time and he’s doing what he feels is right etc.

You sound so sad and I so don’t blame you. But this wasn’t a flash in the pan. It was a year long affair where he spent a huge amount of money in that relationship. The fact that he said he misses her is at least honest and the fact he’s contacted her to tell her he misses her makes me assume he wants to keep that door open if he can’t knuckle down and make another go of your marriage.

Sadly I don’t think you will get a happy long term conclusion from this, but fair enough if you need to try. I suppose in time things will become clearer for you but it’s difficult to judge how things will progress for your husband as he’s had a taste of excitement and emotional attachment to someone else. Is he going to settle for family life or want the vroom of excitement and happiness that she offered or seek it again with someone new elsewhere.

If you hadn’t discovered his affair, presumably it would still be continuing and whilst he has said it’s over, it’s not encouraging at all to hear he’s contacted her to express he misses her. Human or not.

This is a good post

Spot on!

Is he primarily staying for you or for the children? If it’s mostly for the children you have a hard and uncertain road ahead.

I just want to say my ex did this to me but with less expensive jewellery. I didn’t get anything like that and the most he’s spent on me is £10 which he made me give him back

You definitely need a Plan B.

I read your replies and I can’t help but feel that the fact that the other woman was a professional woman, a career woman and go-getter was her attraction. Not her looks or unencumbered status. Would she have sat back passively and hoped he got over an affair? Would she have put up with him coming back primarily for the children? Would she have taken him spending £80k on another woman? Would she have let all this happen without tearing a strip off him, slapping his face and telling him to fuck right off?

I may be wrong but I fear since the time you married him and definitely in the time since you had children, you have passively been accepting your lot. That may have suited him as it meant he has a docile submissive wife looking after his home and kids - but it clearly wasn’t enough for him. Will it ever be?

…and more importantly - should it be enough for you? Don’t you want to be with a partner who sees you as his equal, who is/would be devastated if he hurt you or lost you? Who is so afraid to lose you and your children that he would never have done what he did in the first place - and certainly would not be messaging her now to say he was missing her?

Am not sure whether it is your personality or whether you are just so shattered by what he has done that you have lost yourself somewhere along the lines. That you have not told him what a fucking bastard he is, what he has done is completely unacceptable, that you are trying to understand and work out how to reconcile to staying, also subliminally may be sending a message to him that you don’t really care that much for him either. Neither of you seem to have the will to fight for this marriage. It’s as though he’s put the marriage train back on the tracks, set it off on autopilot and you are just sitting there taking in the view?

I think at the very least you need counselling - if only to find your spark, to work out what you - aside from the children - want out of life. Because until you understand yourself, your needs, your dreams, you have no direction and riding the marriage train is the easy option?

Gosh I so feel for you OP. The decision to leave someone isn’t an easy one, regardless of what they have done to you. Your identify is tied up in your marriage, your children, your trauma from being a child of divorce and what that affair did to you. The decision to leave can feel overwhelming and leave you paralysed. Can you break it down into small steps/milestones that help you decide what you want to do long-term e.g
M1: attend more therapy
M2: Ducks in a row re. (in case the rug is pulled out from you)
M2: tell a trusted friend
M3: Make a decision as to the direction of the marriage

The ball is still in your court, even if you are on borrowed time, but firstly you need to take some power and control back and figure out what exactly it is that you want…for you, not for the kids. Even if you do leave, it seems you’ll have financial resource for them for therapy etc. and whatever decision you make is going to impact them some way so trying to protect them from everything at the expense of yourself will make you very unhappy in the long run.

I say all this as an adult child of multiple affairs whose mother stayed.

He promised to cut things off with her yet is contacting her that he misses her. How can you possibly live with that? He is telling another woman he is missing her while sleeping in your bed!!!! He will leave you when the kids are older and it will be much worse. Already he has no self restraint to not contact her. He is still having the affair, just hiding it better now.

OP, you have self esteem issues and really need to work on yourself. I get it, I have been there too as have so many others. But you deserve better. Everyone on here has told you that but you still don't believe. You deserve the love of a man who puts you first. You H is a selfish, spoiled ass. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is a shit father for doing this to their mother. How can you possibly be proud to call him your husband? Time will not heal this. It will haunt you forever.

Please pick yourself up and kick his sorry self out. You deserve love, not this sorry excuse for man.

Digressing but relevant I think. Start another thread asking for info from people who had divorced parents or parents who didn't divorce but should have done.

I'm the child of divorced parents. Best thing that happened and neither of them thought we kids knew a thing. Don't kid yourself.

Get your ducks in a row. And when you are good and ready file for divorce and let him leave.

OP, this sounds like a really horrible situation to be in, and I feel for you. I understand your reasoning. My ex-husband cheated repeatedly but with sex workers and while I eventually left, I remember I always felt that an affair with emotions involved would have been worse. (Although it did take a very long time for me to believe another man could find me attractive.)

That said, as I have matured, I have come to the conclusion that there is a large component of choice to love. I am not saying we can make ourselves love someone, but we can nurture it or let it wither. It isn't a passive thing that 'is', it is an action.

So I believe it is possible that your husband could have loved the OW but that he can still choose to forget her and love you again. Equally it is possible he is going through the motions and he will not put that effort in and this is going to continue to be an unhappy situation. Life would be so much easier if we had a crystal ball...

Ultimately though, and it's a cliche, you can't know for sure anything but how you feel and you can't control anything except what you do. It's okay to take your time, it's okay to not know what to do yet. Maybe consider setting yourself a mental deadline to take stock.

I agree with this. DH has a ‘big job’ and so much of our lives are dominated by it and dictated by it. It doesn’t help we studied together and he later on went to have a glittering career whereas I never qualified. I do feel like my identity is wrapped up in him which is why in some ways separating feels like literal death. It’s that terrifying at times.

I veer between clinging on to dear life to rage and then back again. I hope this will calm down with time. And there is an element of being on ‘auto-pilot’ a bit because both of us want to feel like things are stable and to just ‘keep calm and carry on’ is a way of doing that. But there is probably a lot of denial too.

re: the OW being an escort of receiving ‘payment in kind’, I really do not think that is the case given her actual career. Also I’m not sure she would have spent her birthday with a ‘client’. In some ways it would be easier if she was, transactional easier to handle than genuine feelings / love…

Please speak with a lawyer/solicitor if you haven’t already.

Find out what you’d be entitled to now if you divorced vs in 10 years time when the DC are more independent.

I’m sorry to read the update. Sounds like it’s matter of time before the poor star crossed lovers will have to see each other again. Oh, also he will have a bank account you don’t know about by now.

He assumes you won’t leave because you haven’t even got close to going so far, even now you know he spent £80k. Even when he’s told you he misses her. Even when he’s made it clear he’s staying for the kids. So really, he has nothing to stop him seeing her. Unless she tells him to fuck off.

He’s a turd OP.

I’m sorry he’s continuing to hurt you in this way.

💐

Please don't tell me he's a partner in a law firm and she's a senior solicitor/counsel? 🙁

This is a horrible situation, OP. I am so sorry he has put you in this position and you must be really very sad about everything.

Do you have support in real life as it sounds like he's doing his best to keep it under wraps? Accountability starts with owning it to family and friends, as well as you. I haven't read your other thread though, apologies if it's all there.

I do with family but not so much with friends - I have no doubt he feels very guilty but I know that’s not the same as remorse. Guilt wears off, or course…

apologies for brevity - trying to catch up whilst out and about!

Sounds like the best thing to do would be to stop focusing on him or her, and start focussing on yourself and your own identity outside of being his wife. Work on building your career again. Be independent and not codependent on him.

I’m worried though that if we stay together for DC, if he can’t manage to shake feelings for the OW, eventually it will end anyway.

That would be my guess.

I’m sorry you are married to someone who treats you with such contempt. I think you really need to dig deep and ask yourself some tough questions. Do you really see a future with someone who is staying for the children?

The thing I notice here is no real mention of what he does with the kids apart from him giving up the ow to be with them. He sounds like a crap dad as well as an absolutely appalling husband!