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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

311 replies

CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 20:59

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

OP posts:
Sneakybusiness · 28/10/2024 21:01

Yes you should tell her. She decides what to do about it. It’s horrendous timing, but you are clearly an amazing friend, Which means saying things that people don’t want to hear.

solice84 · 28/10/2024 21:04

How would you feel if it was reversed?
I'd be absolutely livid if my friend knew and didn't tell me
Buy not everyone's the same
Some people shoot the messenger
I'd still tell her though, I couldn't not .

MaryQueenofPotts · 28/10/2024 21:06

Urgh, it takes a real dickhead to sleep with another woman in your marital bed while your wife is having chemo 🤦‍♀️🤢

No advice for you OP, was just so disgusted at what I read. I guess I would wait for her chemo to finish, or perhaps gently hint at securing herself financially for the future as nobody knows what is around the corner but what a prick that guy is.

TwistedWonder · 28/10/2024 21:09

In your shoes I would tell him he’s got x amount of days to tell her himself otherwise you will.

I would 💯 want to know and if I found out afterwards that a friend knew he’d cheated then I’d be upset with her for not being honest with me.

sprigatito · 28/10/2024 21:11

I would have to tell her, much as it would break my heart. She needs and deserves to know the truth.

Sorry you're in this horrendous position Flowers

Alwayssomethingtheretoremindme · 28/10/2024 21:11

Oh my goodness that brings cheating down to new level of betrayal and depravity.
You are in an awful position OP, but you need to tell her.
If he is so unsupportive of her even through her illness this might not come as a total surprise to her because at the very least she must be aware their relationship is not a loving one.

Frozensnow · 28/10/2024 21:12

You have to tell her. What a shit bag he is. You sound like a lovely friend.

leftfootinletfootout · 28/10/2024 21:13

What a despicable c*nt. I'd tell everyone, it's disgusting

leftfootinletfootout · 28/10/2024 21:13

And I'd use all his texts as proof

Opentooffers · 28/10/2024 21:14

Hmm, I can only imagine a prostitute would do a home visit shag to what is going to be obviously a family home, with all the signs of a wife and children living there. Surely not even an AP would sink that low. Grim for 2 reasons.
Tell her for her own health and welfare. Last thing you want to risk is an infection whilst on chemo with a lowered immune system.

scoobysnaxx · 28/10/2024 21:22

What an absolute scum of the earth scumbag. Tell her.

wafflesmgee · 28/10/2024 21:26

Please tell her. I'm so sorry for her.💐and you.

Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 21:27

Tell her if you think she can survive it. The only reason not to tell her I would think is if her mood is already so low that his vile behaviour might make her suicidal.... You can't know this for sure, but use your best judgement.

So sorry you are in this situation - you sound like a loyal and caring friend.

betrayedandwobbly · 28/10/2024 21:28

Of course you tell her.

Yes it's shit timing, given her treatment, but that's on him

Really think and imagine - how would you feel, if your close friend decided to keep a secret to cover up your DH's affair?

Ever thought that being in the position of the wife who is the last to know is utter hell? That as well as your marriage shattering, you realise your friends had his back?

Pinkissmart · 28/10/2024 21:29

Tell her when she is better. Not now.

However, I’d be having sharp words with him

wafflesmgee · 28/10/2024 21:37

Pinkissmart · 28/10/2024 21:29

Tell her when she is better. Not now.

However, I’d be having sharp words with him

Absolutely not. Tell her now. She needs to know as soon as possible, or she will loose her trust in you as a friend as well. I'd want to know irrelevant of everything else. Depending on her cancer journey, waiting till she gets better may be years in the future.

OverthinkingOlive · 28/10/2024 21:41

What a vile piece of shit

AmberAlert86 · 28/10/2024 21:46

Wowvhe is such a x@nt!!
Don't know what I would do if I were in hour shoes but if you decide to keep quiet, tell him he needs to step up and start acting like a decent husband or you will talk.
He is an absolute scum (and your friend deserves to be free of him). Inwish hou and your friend all the best

CanalBoots · 28/10/2024 21:49

Tell her. My friend's husband had an affair and she never forgave those friends who knew and didn't tell her.

RosaBaby2 · 28/10/2024 21:51

Absolutely tell her, don't wait.

CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 21:51

i will text him tonight and say he has 2 days and I will speak to her. I would want to know but not when I am at my lowest ebb.

OP posts:
Velvian · 28/10/2024 21:51

What a shit and an absolute user. He was only found out as he was prepared to use someone else's time to collect his kids from school while he was shagging around.

He doesn't have an ounce of responsibility. What a pathetic piece of work.

Quitelikeit · 28/10/2024 21:53

Tell her now. He is despicable and useless

She will be losing nothing of value anyway by what you have said

You will be doing the family a huge favour

Letsseeshallwe · 28/10/2024 21:53

She's struggling and everyone wants to add to her plate?

He's a shit but will it really help her to know this information and go through extra trauma right now?

FreshLaundry · 28/10/2024 21:57

What a hellish decision to make 💐. Feeling for you right now.