Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

That is a signal to you that she is being controlled by her H and he has enlisted his mother to back it up - probably learnt the control from her.
It won't be her that has blocked you, it will be him. Somehow she has managed to contact you on a different number and is taking her chance to reduce the amount of control they have.
I'd say that this is a safeguarding concern, and if she at some point gets re-admitted to hospital, that is a good time to bring concerns up with their safeguarding team who can help.
Meanwhile, I'd agree, and say you need to meet to discuss it (and other things) away from the house. If she can't manage to get away from her H or MIL, it's going to be difficult for her to arrange all that. Really, if she has time, getting divorced would be the best thing for her. Not sure how legally an LPA would hold up when there is a H. LPA'S are to to with being in charge of financial arrangements too, but having a H complicates that. You both need to talk and discuss what's possible with a lawyer.

Thanks for the update, OP. To some extent this is good news as whatever her husband and MIL's attitudes to you may be, this woman plainly trusts you implicitly. Indeed, whatever her husband may have told her to try to come between you, it clearly hasn't worked.
Being Executor of a Will isn't an onerous task (unless it's a complex estate with, maybe, property abroad) - it's an administrative task (gathering information and form-filling) so I wouldn't be concerned about that (unless you're hopeless at admin!). It would be particularly straightforward if your friend's estate isn't subject to inheritance tax. Similarly, being her attorney to make decisions about her welfare if and when she's no longer able to make them herself shouldn't be difficult as she should indicate her wishes in the LPA application. Presumably she is consulting a solicitor to draft the Will and help with the LPA application?
The most obvious thing to do, should you decide to agree to both her requests, is to ask her to go through everything with you first so you know where you can lay your hands on important documentation as and when it's needed. For example, I've created a document for my executor (who is also my nominated attorney for welfare) which is a summary of all admin connected with my household and this is kept in my safe along with all the supporting paperwork (and my Will). My attorney knows that in the event of my losing capacity, or dying, they just need to go to the safe to have everything they need to discharge their responsibility (Attorney while I'm alive and Executor after my death).
Will you have an opportunity to meet with her again face-to-face in the near future?

I would tell her after her treatment and I would watch your back at his house, you need someone else with you, he could turn on you.

A friend like you is a true friend, and a fantastic person x

There are two types of LPA: Financial and Welfare. OP's friend isn't asking her to be the Attorney for her finances - just her welfare. You can nominate any adult with capacity to be your Attorney and having a spouse has no bearing on that - it's an entirely personal decision.
I suspect OP's friend is having a new Will drafted leaving her estate to her children, rather than her husband, which is why she's asking OP to be her Executor - to ensure her final wishes are carried out because she doesn't trust her husband to do so.

My first thought was it's the husband who wants to trap you by saying that you were making up lies about him to take her money. The request to attend a conversation about it would prove your intentions.

I would reply and say "can we meet as your behaviour towards me hasn't been consistent and I want to check if you're ok?"

I agree
Could be a trap.

Don’t discuss or mention anything unless you see her face to face first

I think it now sounds like she is in a coercive and abusive situation and you are her lifeline. When you got blocked and rebuffed after how much you have helped and supported it made no sense.
Know this @CovenOfCheeses, when things really don’t make sense in life, something isn’t true. Something is up. You can’t square circles no matter how hard you try.
I think the blocking was demanded by others, not initiated by her, and in her position she had no choice.
Only you can decide if you want the responsibility she has asked of you, but I honestly think she’s trapped now and sees you as her ally.

OP what a terrible situation. And also hopeful that she is contacting you directly. If I were in your position I would say yes. I would also make sure that I have some support for MYSELF in this situation (close friend, partner, etc) so that I am not flying blind. Do you know any lawyers you can consult with or possibly doctors regarding her treatment and prognosis. She may know something that you don't regarding her cancer. Either way this is a huge responsibility and you sound like such a lovely and thoughtful person.

Absolutely this.

I set no caller id on my phone and called the number where the text came from. It was a foreign female voice. I then spoke and her English was poor. She said she was a cleaner and was Ukrainian. She asked me to text and she would reply by text. I struggled to speak as her English was really poor and broken. It looks as if they have employed a cleaner for the house.

omg what a night mare for this poorly woman. Get the cleaner to tell your friend that you have responded & that you need to meet up with her outside the home.

He English is really poor. I cannot really communicate with her as she does not know what is going on (I assume). I can only assume that she would use translate on her texts or get someone to translate and then send a translated response. I don’t want to tell her too much as this would involve her which is not responsible, and she is a totally innocent party, and would compromise her and may lead to more complications.

II also don’t want to write too much down in case it is intercepted.

@CovenOfCheeses I completely understand that, but your friend does need to know you have read the text & you still want to be her friend. Maybe casually text back ,sure just let me know .

How dreadful. She must've sent the message from cleaners phone because husband monitors her phone or she no longer has the phone

I think at this stage, OP, I would be reporting this to the police to ask them to do a welfare check on your friend (giving them all the information you've shared on here). Your friend has her own phone, which she(?)'s blocked you on, but has now texted you from her new Ukrainian cleaner's phone asking you to be her attorney for her welfare only (NOT financial) and Executor of her Will. If she is not being controlled in any way by her husband and/or his family and has free access to her own mobile phone, why wouldn't she just unblock you and message you from her own phone with these requests? (You have the text from the cleaner's phone as proof of this latest development, which you could also share with the police.) Maybe the police would be able to tell her, in private, that you are happy to agree to her requests but only if she will meet you face-to-face first.

I am glad your friend reached out to you… I knew she was being coerced by her H and Mil, I think now is the time to try meet her when she’s at chemo or speak to the medical team and let them know she’s at risk. She truely trusts you. X

I would contact Women's aid and get advice.
I think this could be a police matter now.

I think meeting her at the hospital is a good idea. Maybe just sent a text back saying please let me know next appt time and I will be there

Don’t call the police.

Take advice from a domestic abuse expert.

you are wonderful and amazing and you are clearly a lifeline for this woman

I think the other woman is the least of your friends worries

Gosh OP. What an amazing friend you are. I don't have anything to add as it's such a complex situation. Just follow your gut. X

I would also say don't call the police. She will likely deny if they make a visit and then won't have you at all foe any kind of support.
I would wait, she will use that phone to contact you again. I would probably just text "Call me", or something very simple. And then by phone you can arrange to meet her at her next appointment.

Do you actually have some kind of proof it's via your friend? As there are a lot of Russian scammers claiming to be Ukrainian at the moment.

I realise I am very late to this thread, what happened and how is your friend @CovenOfCheeses ?

Thanks for your concern. I totally lost touch for a while. I tried as much as I could do short of hanging out by the house or stalking the family. There was nothing more I could do.

a few weeks ago I bumped into the kids in the local supermarket and asked how their mother was doing. A lady who was with them and said she was the babysitter and took me aside and told me that the mother had passed away and the funeral was the previous month. I was shocked and couldn’t speak. I thanked her for telling me and that is as far as I know.

It is not the ideal situation and this has not had a satisfactory ending.

thanks for your concern.