Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

How is she coping with treatment? If she’s already on her knees I would wait til she was a bit better.

if she’s mainly coping and strong now I would tell her

He'll probably tell her you have been pursuing him to make it sound like you have a vendetta against him then she'll lose her only support.

Happened to me. So I'd say he has to do it while you are there so he doesn't turn it against you.

Isn’t he the most disgusting piece of shit? Vile, vile man. Yes, I would definitely tell her. Because I would want to know. Agree with others that the nasty little weasel will probably try and lie his way out of it though! Any cameras in or on her house that she could check? Ring door bell?

Its ok for strangers on here to say tell her. I wouldnt say anything to her she is very ill and her knowing is most probley going to hit her even worse. Whats the point to say anything to her.
I would tell that bastard that you wont say anything but he has to start acting like a proper caring husband or you will! Tell him if he dosnt step up you will take all your support away so he will have to manage. When she is better then tell her.
Why make a bad situation worse and just ignore all the tell hers on here. Just be strong for her and wait.

Does she have family. Does he? Surely there must be someone on either side?
I'd try and get some support system around her.
For some reason, for me it's still worse if someone didn't tell me at this time of illness.like not only am i going through this but my friends and my husband are lying about this. When I need people I completely trust at this time. I needed really safe and stable walls. Not more betrayal from everyone around me.
It might give her some rage and fire.

There's no easy way to say it. You just do. Straight, no blurb erms or easing. It needs to be a straight down the line statement so she's not sat there watching you work up to it.
Then can you work with her to get more Cpn nurse help, even her oncology team.
If you want to make him do it do that. Tell him you will tell the world he's cheated on his wife whilst she at chemo if he doesn't. And if he tells her ypu will contain it to what SHE wants. But he needs to step the fuck up and help otherwise again, you'll make sure everyone knows he's abandoned his wife after cheating.
You owe him nothing. Screen shot his works email and let him no just how far ypu will paint him as a shithead if he doesn't do this right.

I had a friend thst wasn't told. And it made her feel worse finding out later. Really mucky like a fight was marred by all these people betrayal when she needed them most.

That poor woman must be already burdened with worry and weak and feeling so unwell. You are just the friend she has needed but to tell her about her husband at this point is something she definitely does not need. More stress will hinder her recovery so this should be delayed until her health has improved. I should think for any husband to tell his wife about his behaviour while she is so sick is not right either. Ethics doesn’t come into it. This poor woman needs to survive first. Please keep quiet and don’t tell him to say anything to her. If she recovers and becomes strong then see how the marriage pans out. It may even be that he is disgusted with himself.

My friend said it made her feel disgusting knowing later. That she was leaning literally ans emotionally on this man,trusting and telling her cheating husband her fears,letting him see her so vulnerable. Letting him comfort her when all the time others and he new it was all a lie. And that his touch and his care made her feel mucky all over.

This is what I think too

I would tell her, but not yet. Stress on the body can play havoc with the immune system. If she is already vulnerable with cancer it will not help her to then have this level of stress on top.
she needs to be well enough to handle this kind of news, not to add to her already fragile physical state.

This. I would be devastated twice over if you didn't tell me and I found out.

She is already vulnerable. Support her through this too. He does not deserve an ounce of your loyalty but by keeping quiet, you are bestowing it upon him. Fuck that.

I actually don't think you should tell her at this time right now. I'd leave it until she was feeling stronger - which hopefully she will soon.

Use the fact that you know to kick this guys backside into gear and tell him he can prove his worth by doing the real work you are doing, so you can actually be there for your friend.
He is disgusting, but now may not be the right time and cause alot of emotional pain whilst she is trying to recover. Let her get stronger.

Having cared for people going through chemotherapy, I would not tell her now but I would tell her a few weeks after her chemo ends. In the meantime I would be giving her husband the instructions he really needs to keep him busy with his family and to give his wife better support.

I think lots of people are missing a key bit of info in the OP:

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling.

She is trying to survive and doesn't need to know this right now. She needs as much mental strength as possible.

I would:

• Screenshot the messages before he deletes them.
• email a letter to myself that you can show her later saying I want to tell you today but you're so unwell I can't.
• tell him you're waiting until she's better, but he needs to be the one to tell her.
• tell him the STD risk so he doesn't compromise her when immunity is so low. He needs to get tested.

So sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

100% tell her, what a twat he is 😭

I would tell her, this kind of man is a manipulative person and you don't know what lies he might make up to stop you helping his wife.

You need to tell her before he starts pretending to the friend that you tried it on with him, and he turned you down, and that's why you are off with him. Your friend will find it difficult to believe you about an affair if you wait to tell her in that sort of situation.

You sound like such a lovely person and she's so lucky she's got you right now when the person who is supposed to love her the most is treating her in the worst possible way at the very worst of times. She needs to know without a doubt, and I hope you can do this for her, but I'd say definitely not right now. At the moment she needs to direct any strength she has at fighting cancer, I worry that any sort of awful news such as this is soul destroying at the best of times, and is hard to carry on at first, so to hear it now may just make the difference in the outcome of her treatment

@CovenOfCheeses what a horrible situation you're in, and you sound lime a Godsend to your friend.
I thinknits best not to tell her now, such a blow leaves you weak at the best of times (just read some threads about affairs, and how the cheated person feels UNTIL they find their anger... anger is rarely the first feeling that emerges). How would she be string to get better having to deal with all the sadness and grief that will suddenly appear in her life?
However, I also worry about what the poster dais above, its very possible this will happen.
So, sorry I can't help much, this sounds like an impossible situation for you to decide.
Much love X

I am almost always in the 'tell' camp- but I have to say, I'm not sure for this one. Right now, she is trying to live. Assuming the cancer is serious, then that is her one and only battle right now, for the sake of her children.

The additional mental and emotional trauma of finding this out could make that primary job harder. It could tip her burdens over into being impossible to cope with and set back her treatment.

I think in this case, I would let her get well. I would tell the husband that you don't want to see a hint of further infidelity and you want to see him supporting her with every bone in his body. Then once she is out of hospital and on more stable ground, tell her that while she was in hospital, you saw something very unpleasant to do with her husband. Would she like to know....

People can only take so much at one time.

I’m in the don’t tell her right now camp. I would meet her husband and tell him in no uncertain terms, that he needs to step up. His wife is fighting for her life. There will be time to tell her when she is better, but right now she needs to focus on health. What an absolute shit human being he is though. Yuk. He could do with reading this thread for a reality check.

I completely agree with this. You sound like a lovely friend, OP, what a horrible situation to find yourself in.

I'm currently having chemo, I feel really grim and I can state categorically that I have absolutely NO capacity for anything else. None. This kind of news would really affect my health, mental and physical.

Make him step up as a husband and dad. Tell him you’ll tell otherwise.

And tell your friend anyway when she’s better. She needs all her energy to get better at the moment and has enough stress.

I agree, what a tough situation.

Probably would be a terrible idea but I'd be tempted to tell the husband if he doesn't want you to tell her has to collect his kids from school, accompany his wife to every single appointment, buy her flowers once a week, clean his whole house and generally put his family first in every way. One missed appointment and she gets told.

You can use this to make him step up.
Tell him he's taking her to appointments and sorting out HIS kids from now on.
I don't think the time is right to tell her.

Yeah, tell him that either he tells her or you do, give him a timescale

I wouldn’t tell her yet. The physical toll when someone tells you that is horrific and could impact her cancer. What if she is so broken that she can’t/wont eat and thinks it’s better that she dies??

I would not do anything. You have scared the shit out of her husband by catching him. That’s enough for now.

she needs to get better and strong. After that, you can take action.