Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

Someone else suggested this and I thought this was genius but then another poster pointed out how even more deceitful and empty that would feel once the truth came out. So I wouldn't do this.

What is he like? Could he be violent? Any history of abuse? She absolutely needs to know - you also need to protect yourself in case he comes for you. I may be over cautious but this happened to me when I found out my friend's husband was cheating. I told him he needed to tell her or I would. That's when he started threatening me and told me he would burn my house down. He told her eventually but he continued his campaign against me - I had to send a letter to him from a solicitor to get him to stop. This was years ago now.

Yes good point.

After a lot of soul searching, I texted the husband late last night and told him he needs to step up to the plate and that once his wife is better, he needs to tell her. It was very neutral and I rewrote several times and removed all emotive language.

About 30 minutes ago, I got a text from my friend. She thanked me for my help but said she would not need it anymore. she does not want me coming to her house or contacting her and she hopes that once she is better we can talk but now is not a good time. She wants to be left alone. . I tried to reply but she has blocked me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what he has told her or what made her react like that.

She has confided in the past that she does not have any friends apart from me and her family are not really close (emotionally). Her parents have passed away.

I don’t know whether to go on with my life as she has told me that she does not want me around or find out what is going on. I don’t want to appear like an interfering busybody but also feel for her. I would not want to be isolated and in her situation and face things alone with a husband who really does not seem to have any interest in her or the kids.

Could he have gotten hold of her phone and sent the message and blocked you ?

@CovenOfCheeses that’s such a sad update. She really does need your help but he’s obviously told her something so awful to make her react like this. I am very sorry for her and very sorry for you too x

I have no idea. Without going to her house and checking I have no way of knowing.

And it takes another dickhead to be the person slept with. Absolutely appalling. Tell your friend, OP and be there to support her. He sounds useless anyway regardless of the OW.

This is awful op. I don't know what to suggest.

I'd try be there for her. Her H is a piece of work and has clearly done a number on her.

Sorry I only just caught up with your update. What a rotten husband.

If she's blocked you I'd print out screenshots of his messages, write a letter explaining everything, but I'd say you respect and understand her decision to cut ties but if she ever needs you then please contact. Address to her, post it when you know he won't be in and leave everything alone.

This is awful. I wonder what he said to her about you. He might have made up something like you'd been saying horrible things about her or worse still that you'd made a pass at him.

What a nasty man. He's effectively cut off the only real help and support she had.

@CovenOfCheeses do you still have your friend's house keys? If so, I presume they'll want them returning. Perhaps that's an opportunity to speak to your friend

I would go to her house - do you still have the keys? I’d knock and say you wanted to chat to her. If he’s there then I’d ask her why she sent you that text (incase it was him!) and not mention the keys yet so you have an excuse to go back.

If it’s just her I’d tell her about the affair and show her the texts. Give her the keys back.

It’s very suspicious this has happened. Posting a letter with the screen shots in is also a good idea - just making sure he’s out when she gets it. It seems like he has told her a lie.

I too think that last message was sent by the husband, I would go around when you know the husband is at work. He won’t want it coming out that he is having an affair when his wife has cancer and is going through treatment as this makes him the low of low in society. It is clearly him! She’ll have no one now!

It does sound a bit suspicious. Either he has told her something untrue about you or he has threatened her or he has used her phone. I’m sorry this has happened but no idea what to do.

@CovenOfCheeses he has either lied to her about you - said something like you tried to sleep with him, or he has blocked you on her phone.

Who the actual fuck let’s their kids stay with a friend whilst their mum has cancer rather than lol after them?

I would print out all your texts and put them in an envelope with a letter and give them to her when you know there is an appointment etc. Yes it’s a shock for her but losing her only support to a DH who can’t step up and might give her an STI whilst immunocompromised (he Sounds like the kind of evil man to pressurise her when ill) then she might need your friendship back

This was one of the things I was going to text her about. I wanted to know whether I was still taking her kids trick or treating and whether she wanted me to put her keys in an envelope and post it through the letterbox. But I have been blocked. I have no way of knowing what she wants and whether she really wants me to still interact with her and her kids. I could use either to go around, the husband does not have a history of violence but he is a big imposing guy and I do not want to be around him. He is very passive aggressive.

I would leave it at that and accept what she has said to you. They will have to cope as a family as they don’t want your help and that’s on him to step up. It sounds cold but there’s not much else you can do.

She has told you she wants to be left alone so post the keys and leave them to worry about Halloween etc.

I think the husband wrote that message.

If he had made up a lie about something you'd done, you'd expect her to have mentioned it "Bob told me you shouted at the kids" or whatever.

I wouldn't waste your time on a letter, he will be looking out for it and he's highly likely to intercept it.

You need to try to see her in person.

I think you should tell him you won't tell. So he doesn't move finances etc around. And then tell her asap so she can rewrite any will etc to reflect it all being safeguarded for her kids. It's not good timing but if she knows she's at least got the choice to make plans for her children financially after she's gone which don't involve him. Likely she will choose to stay given he is the breadwinner etc but she can choose to do this and make a move when SHE is ready..so why i said best to make him think she doesn't know yet.

what do you think he told her to make her react so immediately and to cut all ties with you?

@CovenOfCheeses given your awful update I would do this too.
But there must be a way to ensure SHE gets the letter and not him. If it goes to the house and she is in hospital he would definitely open it and throw it away.
He probably told her you were coming on to him or whatever.... what a HORRIBLE despicable human being he is

I would do nothing for a week or so.