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Original poster

Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

311 replies

CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 20:59

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 22:47

I wouldn’t say anything. She needs to be stronger to deal with this.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/10/2024 22:50

@CovenOfCheeses stop right there! a lot depends on her health. is this a survivable cancer for which she is having chemo? what is the real state of her health, both physical and mental. I think it might be better to let her finish her chemo first and recover from that before you tell her. just avoid him till that happens. If it is unsurvivable cancer then I would possibly refrain from telling her. what a git of a husband she has!! gently does it. she is really fragile just now. x

alcohole · 28/10/2024 22:53

I don’t know what I would do in your situation. It’s an unfair predicament that you’re in. Do you know anyone closer to her, like siblings/parents? They may be better placed to tell her what’s going on and rally around perhaps

I think in your shoes, people may shoot the messenger as you are telling her awful news at an already awful time. There’s no telling how your friend may react, but hopefully she understands why you’re telling her and that you’re there for her.

MyNoisyPlumDog · 28/10/2024 22:55

Of course you should mention it!!!! It would be absurd not to. If you stay quiet, and I'm sorry, I would never usually say this but you should consider yourself a bad friend!

eurochick · 28/10/2024 22:58

I'd be fecking furious. You're running his wife around and looking after his kids while he is busy shagging😡

I think I'd have to tell the wife but I'd time it as well as I could.

MsDogLady · 28/10/2024 23:01

@CovenOfCheeses, please be aware that if you give this Rat an ultimatum to tell her, he will put his spin on a severely diluted version of the truth, i.e. ‘I’ve been confiding to OW about my worries but that’s all it is…’ And then you’ll still have to tell her the truth.

No, you should be the one to tell your dear friend the truth asap about what is going on in her life and marriage. He has stolen her agency and you must return it to her. He has also potentially compromised her health on top of the cancer. His actions are heinous and she deserves to have all the facts to be able to make informed decisions … just as you would deserve that.

LouJ36 · 28/10/2024 23:03

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/10/2024 22:50

@CovenOfCheeses stop right there! a lot depends on her health. is this a survivable cancer for which she is having chemo? what is the real state of her health, both physical and mental. I think it might be better to let her finish her chemo first and recover from that before you tell her. just avoid him till that happens. If it is unsurvivable cancer then I would possibly refrain from telling her. what a git of a husband she has!! gently does it. she is really fragile just now. x

You can't refrain!

It's almost worst not telling her if it's unsurvivable. I wouldn't want to leave the bastard a single penny in my will.

Sauvblanctime · 28/10/2024 23:05

Absolutely tell her. How vile

Original poster
CovenOfCheeses · 28/10/2024 23:15

The thing is I am a very non-confrontational person and struggle with challenging situations. I would avoid difficult news if I can. I know that if he does not tell her, I would then struggle to tell her myself.

My friend also has no one, She is extremely shy and finds talking to people really daunting. I don’t know what would happen if she loses me. I really don’t know her too well and only stepped in when she was struggling and found it difficult to step back. I almost feel obliged as she has become dependent on me. I don’t know if I can tell her even though I threatened her husband I would. It seems like a threat I cannot carry out.

OP posts:
JoMaloneCandles · 28/10/2024 23:16

I would text back saying he needs to tell his wife or else you will tell everyone!

tolerable · 28/10/2024 23:29

Tell
BUT
be aware -often that put "teller"in firing line. I men her/nobody cares bout him...IF viable at ll tell him he has to tell er or you gony.
stay strong x

TheGoddessFreyja · 28/10/2024 23:30

I would wait till she is stronger and finished her rounds of chemo. in the meantime berate him to leave this woman and focus on his marriage and supporting his poor wife. I don't think I'd want to know until I'd had my chemo. I wouldn't be strong enough.

TriangleLight · 28/10/2024 23:31

You need to tell her, horrible as it is

What a horrible thing he’s doing

Tittat50 · 28/10/2024 23:33

I honestly think now isn't a good time. There may never be a good time though depending on how she goes with treatment.

Her immune system will react to this and it absolutely will impact her ability to fight. I just think hold tight and let her stay in ignorant bliss for a little longer.

Then talk with that piece of shite about how she's told.

Tittat50 · 28/10/2024 23:34

There's also the risk the messenger will get shot here.
Depends how manipulative he is and how strong she is right now.

Dottielottie123 · 28/10/2024 23:40

I’m a terrible worrier and may have watched too many itv dramas but I wouldn’t be giving him an ultimatum, what might he do to shut you up if he gets desperate?! He clearly has no moral compass.

For the record, I was cheated on while pregnant. A friend found out as her husband was on the same stag do. She gave it to me in a hypothetical situation.. dottie.. if you were heavily pregnant and your partner did something bad, would you like to know or would you rather not? It was then my choice to say yes tell me or no thank you. I said yes, however if I had said no and it later came out that she knew, I would have at least known she offered to tell me.

ThreeLocusts · 28/10/2024 23:41

OP under most circumstances I'd say tell her, but here I'm tempted to say blackmail the c*nt. You'll tell her unless he hops to it and waits on his wife hand and foot.

Then tell her anyway, but once she's stronger.

Bleachbum · 28/10/2024 23:46

Pinkissmart · 28/10/2024 21:29

Tell her when she is better. Not now.

However, I’d be having sharp words with him

This.

AngelicKaty · 29/10/2024 00:06

TheGoddessFreyja · 28/10/2024 23:30

I would wait till she is stronger and finished her rounds of chemo. in the meantime berate him to leave this woman and focus on his marriage and supporting his poor wife. I don't think I'd want to know until I'd had my chemo. I wouldn't be strong enough.

Absolutely this. I can't believe all the pp advising to tell her now - talk about kick a dog when it's down, as if having a cancer diagnosis and going through chemo' isn't bad enough! In any case, it isn't OP's job to tell her - it's her husband's responsibility to end the affair, step up to support his wife until she's out of the woods and then tell her (begging for her forgiveness on his hands and knees at the same time would be nice too).

NSA2103 · 29/10/2024 00:17

How terrible.
A friend caught my then wife in a compromising position with her husband, in our house. She told my ex: you tell him, or I will. I am forever grateful to that friend.
But I was in good health.

Laura268 · 29/10/2024 00:26

She's in hospital having chemo. Absolutely do not tell her!

Cannot believe some people are suggesting otherwise. She's currently fighting for her life right now and people want to throw this bomb under her, on top of everything else??

Part of the battle with cancer is mentality. Do not tell her. He should not tell her.

Wait until she's out the woods, done with treatment. Where she has the space to face it. Where she has the strength to make a decision.

There's children here and they have enough going on without this too.

Leave it be OP. No good can come right now.

Aceflyer172 · 29/10/2024 00:29

Well, if she is going through chemotherapy, don't tell her until she is between cycles. I speak from experience having been through chemotherapy myself. Best if you tell her husband to tell her because she will need your support when she finds out

Dery · 29/10/2024 00:31

@CovenOfCheeses

“Letsseeshallwe · Yesterday 21:53

She's struggling and everyone wants to add to her plate?
He's a shit but will it really help her to know this information and go through extra trauma right now?”

I’m with @Letsseeshallwe - is this necessarily the right time to tell her? I would be putting pressure on the husband to step up. OP’s friend is dealing with enough right now.

XChrome · 29/10/2024 00:53

It's not a one off. By the time the mistress is in the marital bed, it's been going on awhile and they are getting off on the vileness of doing it in the bed your friend sleeps in.
This is monstrous, especially considering she is ill. If that was my dear friend, I would take it upon myself to hire a P.I. to prove he is seeing this woman (or multiple women) regularly so he can't weeedle her into staying with the; "It was just a one off, it won't ever happen again." story.

XChrome · 29/10/2024 00:55

Dery · 29/10/2024 00:31

@CovenOfCheeses

“Letsseeshallwe · Yesterday 21:53

She's struggling and everyone wants to add to her plate?
He's a shit but will it really help her to know this information and go through extra trauma right now?”

I’m with @Letsseeshallwe - is this necessarily the right time to tell her? I would be putting pressure on the husband to step up. OP’s friend is dealing with enough right now.

Edited

The problem is, she is in an immunocompromised state and her husband is fucking around. Imagine how bad it would be if, in her condition, she caught an STD from him. It would be incredibly dangerous. So time is of the essence.