Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

Yuk. Some men. I was cheated on when I had cancer. I didn't find out until much later and it would have devastated me if I'd found out at the time. However, it would have doubly devastated me if people knew and didn't tell me. Your poor friend. She will be better off without this scumbag.

She needs to know the truth so she can make appropriate decisions.

You sound like a wonderful friend OP.

Jesus!

His wife is sick in hospital and instead of looking after his DC who are probably anxious that their mum isn't around, he outsources the childcare to his wife's friend, so he can get laid in the marital bed by someone else 🙄

Just when I think men can't sink any lower, I get corrected.

So awful for your poor friend OP, she's lucky to have you in her life.

Do make sure you are safe around this man won't you OP. You've mentioned that you will still be going to his house, he's not going to be best pleased and sounds like a horrible person.. I know, I know - I'm a worrier.

Beyond awful for everyone concerned what a terrible dilemma. You are such a lovely friend.

I think I would protect my friend for now but I would explode to him that he needs to end it and pick up the slack and support his wife and kids.

Personally, after telling a good friend many years ago about her cheating husband I'd say stay out of it. It will probably affect your relationship with her, especially if she decides to forgive him.

I would text him back to say he clearly has a lot of time so he can do all the school runs now. He’s using you!

Yes, tell her.

Tell her you are there for her. Tell her the timing is shit but you care enough for her to be her ally all the way. Tell her you will support her, and help her build her support network. She needs to know she’s not alone and has a loyal friend in her corner. Help her to figure out a plan for everything she could need (transport, food shops, meal drops, childcare). The news is the last thing she needs, but honesty and support are the most truthful ways you can help her.

I think giving him 24/48 hours to tell her is fine. It’s a horrendous thing to hear from anyone but I guess if you have to hear it, you want to hear it directly from the source.

If he doesn’t follow through, you tell her.

If he does follow through, you still tell her what you saw. If she’s been betrayed like this, having your friend also keep something from you would make things even worse.

She will be under no illusion that he is not a loving husband already, as shown by his disgusting lack of care. The worst thing has already happened to her. I like the 2 day time limit even better than just telling her yourself. Then he has 2 days of sweating over it. Somehow, I suspect he will decide to wimp out of saying anything in the hope that you still won't either. Expect to have to break the news.

I wouldn't give him the heads up, he will only twist it.
Just tell her.
And what a despicable excuse of a man he is.

I imagine she probably has her suspicions. Does she need his financial support since he’s the breadwinner? I can’t work out why she would stand for his behaviour otherwise.

I don’t think you should tell her or at the vey least wait until her treatments are over and she’s feeling stronger. A cancer diagnosis is an absolute bombshell for the patient but also for their spouse and family. I am not defending him but if he’s generally a decent person he will be feeling wretched ,by the cancer diagnosis itself and now by him being unfaithful. Maybe he can’t cope and he’s subconsciously running away from it all . And yes it’s bloody awful but people are only human. So I wouldn’t say anything but Îd be ready to support if she finds out. If this is a true story you sound like a wonderful friend! She’s lucky to have you.

It’s easy to say tell her now but she is in the middle of cancer treatment and may have no money of her own or anywhere to go. It’s all too much at once.

exactly this, its easy for some to be high and mighty but what about reality

Totally agree it depends on her if you think she can handle it and I think keeping an open conversation when you do tell her that you will support her no matter what. As devastated as she may be it may not be as simple for her to just leave him right now so knowing she is supported to do whatever is right for her

I disagree with most of the comments here. What is her prognosis? She has enough to deal with without all of this stuff about her husband. She has to concentrate on her own health, so how will it help her to cause a huge amount of upset? This is the last thing she needs so please, OP, say absolutely nothing and just concentrate on supporting your friend and her children.

Yoûd want to know even if you were going through chemo and too ill to look after your kids ? What if she already knows in her heart of hearts and is preferring to close her eyes to it ?

Bleugh... no wonder that you are physcially disgusted by him. What is the point in him being married especially in 2024 if he is going to behave like this.

It is tricky because now you know, you are complicit in lying to her. Even if it is for good reason.

My personal feeling is that you give him a window and tell her if not. When she does find out be honest with her and prepare for a fall out. Even if you do the righ thing sometimes being the outsider you are the easiest to blame.

Best of luck it all goes the right way.

Thankgoodness a voice of reason.

What an utter piece of shit.
Obviously, even if they were to get away with it, most of them are not like this.
🤢

I think your friend is probably too poorly to take this on right now.

You sound like an amazing friend.

Sadly it’s not just men.

My friends husband died of cancer and while he was undergoing his chemotherapy she joined. Support group for other partners going through similar

She told me that at least half the others on the group either cheated on their sick partner or left them because they.couldnt cope

Under normal circumstances I would definitely say tell her but not in this situation. She needs all her strength to get through the chemo. Him and his dick dalliances are not important at this time.
Hopefully she recovers and then think about it. For now tell him you are not going to tell her because she’s not well and get him off your case so you can carry on supporting her and her kids in the amazing way you clearly have been doing.