Friend’s husband is having an affair, I don’t know whether to mention it

[CovenOfCheeses]

A friend is having chemo and she is struggling. They have small children. Husband is not supportive at home and does not go to hospital appointments with her or for treatment and I often have to go and drop her, stay with her and pick her up. I often do her shopping and cook when she tires. He is the main breadwinner and he said he is busy at work all the time.

Once last week I dropped my friend into hospital for an overnight and then went to pick her kids up from school. I then popped into her house (as I have the keys to get pj’s/entertainment for the kids) in case we were going to be really late back. I popped upstairs and noticed my friend’s husband in bed with another woman in their room. They saw me but I just left.

The husband keeps on texting me to keep quiet, not break up his marriage, it was a one off, he will try to make amends, he will do what it takes, he feels foolish, etc. I have ignored his messages and when I go around to help with the kids he tries to speak to me and I force myself away because he disgusts me. I try and always keep the kids around to stop him from mentioning it. They are old enough to catch on if he talks in Front of them. I have reached the stage where I don’t want to go around.

I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? She needs to know to protect herself and the kids as he does not do childcare and I fear for them if anything happens to her.

The fact that her immune system is so weak right now is exactly why she must know he is risking giving her an STI.

Well first of all I'd be asking him why he thinks it's ok for you to be running around after his DC while he's clearly got time on his hands?
I'd tell him he needs to be stepping up and dealing with his own children.
I'm not sure I'd tell her about it at this point in time, but keep visiting her and help her build up her strength . Maybe when the treatment is over you can tell her what you saw, or tell him to come clean.

"it's her husband's responsibility to end the affair, step up to support his wife until she's out of the woods and then tell her (begging for her forgiveness on his hands and knees at the same time would be nice too)."

Sorry to disagree, but from what we've been told about the husband and his lack of support, what are the chances that any of that will actually happen?

Serious question: would you be prepared to deliver the gut punch to the friend about her husband's affair when she's at her lowest ebb? I couldn't be that cruel.

Personally, I would not tell her.

Maybe, I would tell her once the treatment was over.

Personally, if I were in that position as your friend, I would not want to know while dealing with cancer treatment.

I know that probably most people will disagree with me, but that is my honest opinion.

I totally agree with you. Unless the husband changes his behaviour, his wife will one day learn he's an utterly selfish, faithless bastard, but if I were her, I wouldn't want to learn that while I was simply trying to stay alive.

I don’t agree with most of the comments here.

A cancer diagnosis along with chemo is devastating enough for anyone to be dealing with, she doesn’t need this on top of everything- it could destroy her. And what about the poor kids who have a sick mum having to deal with that and the break up of their parents?

I think I’d be using his guilt into leveraging him to be a more present husband. When/ if she is cured then I would consider telling her. Take screen shots of his texts.

Her health is paramount, she’s going to have immune issues because of her chemo. She needs an STI test asap.

Telling her will be tough, but she deserves it, and needs it.

You need to be able to show her the emails from him….

I’d also be looking into divorce lawyers for her.

That is a very tough question. I think I'd tell her about someone fictitious having an affair, and then say something like "I'd want to know if it were me." She'd probably then say she'd rather (or rather not) know. If she didn't, I'd say "What would you want?"

If it's a no, then I'd message myself with a letter to her, date included, and say that I wanted to tell her at the time but she said she'd rather not know. Save that somewhere safe, screenshot and archive. Then if she ever asks or if she finds out, I'd send her the dated letter. I'd also tell her I'd be her safe space, that she can rant or cry with me, and that I'd support her whatever she decided.

At least I'd like to think I would do it this way.

@CovenOfCheeses , it's a real mess that's been put on your plate. You're obviously a kind and caring person, and I hope you find a way to resolve this with the least pain possible.

"Telling her will be tough, but she deserves it, and needs it." No, she absolutely doesn't "deserve" or "need" to know right now when she's trying to survive cancer!

I always think if a friend had this information and didn't share it with me, then they're on the side of the other half.

It's not your place to play God and decide on her behalf what she can and cannot take. You need to share the facts and what you saw. Then reassure her she needs to do nothing about it until she's ready and you will be there to support her.

Trying to blackmail the husband into helping out/stepping up is a ridiculous suggestion. From what we've learnt here he's an awful human who I think won't give a shit about responding positively to any threats.

I would tell him that I wouldn’t let her know, but he has to pull his head out of his arse and be supportive around the house, etc, and man the fuck up to his responsibilities. In the meantime, I would absolutely tell her and ask her not to let on until she had had lvery good legal counsel and all her affairs in order just in case of worst case scenario re cancer. This includes a watertight will that ensures any insurance money or pension is not accessed by him or the OW, but left in trust for the kids when they are adults. What a fucking arsehole.

If the husband has an STD, would this compromise your friend’s treatment if she was to unknowingly contract it off him? I believe some cancer treatments lower immunity.

Look at it from this point of view; if her cancer is life limiting or ends up being terminal does she want to waste the last precious months or years with a man who won't support her during treatment and cheats when life gets tough and requires commitment and self sacrifice?

What legacy would she want to leave for her kids about self respect in a relationship and showing her kids what a healthy relationship looks like?

I completely agree. What benefit is there to your friend of knowing this right now? Let the poor woman deal with her health and her children. I feel for you, OP, what a terrible dilemma. But I would keep mum for now. What, realistically, can she do with this information?

I think I agree with this, Just when I thought men couldn’t get much lower! Well done for supporting your friend, you are an absolute gem of a person.

You are a great friend. If the chemo has many more cycles to go hold out until she is finished those cycles if you can. Once chemo is complete she needs to know to make future decisions. I say that because I have had chemo. It physically hammers you. And no he should have nobody else in the family home due to risk of infection. And you do not have to play" happy families"with him whatsoever. She is too sick and vulnerable during chemo to have to deal with this unlike say e.g. sudden family illness or death

This no way would I make it easier for him to havev"me" time.

You look after her with her medical needs, her household needs, and her child care. While he does none of the above and can't even manage to shag his mistress somewhere more imaginative than the marital bed!

I don't know whether you should tell her now. It might be too heavy for her when she has so much else on. She probably needs to know but her H should be the one to tell her.

So much for in sickness and in health.

Knob!!!

I think this is one of the worst cases I've heard of. She's having cancer treatment and he's having it off in her bed. I hope there's a special kind of place in hell for him.

Keep quiet. You won't help things by telling.

I don’t think she would forgive you if you waited until she was better to tell her, I know I wouldn’t. If he doesn’t tell her you need to.

OK now leaning towards don't tell her until she is well. Tell her husband you will keep quet but not for his sake. I'd read him a riot act. Such a dirty arsehole has no time for wife or kids but instead is snagging somebody whilst you are doing all the running around!!!

Definitely tell her. Poor woman. You never know, she might well have been waiting for an opportunity to get rid of him and this is ideal. Not very nice and awful timing but he seems like a real waste of skin and her life might be better without him given that he is useless anyway.

Id tell him he has to tell her or I will. If yes serious about saving his marriage he should confess and try to improve things. It’s unlikely she will walk away I’d think at this point given the timing. Perhaps later on yes. He can tell her now.