Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

The thing is that last sentence is not true

You aren’t trying to decide, you do want children

If he refused to marry you or said yes then tried to dawdle and avoid getting married would you be prepared to leave.

I agree that on line dating is precarious and have heard so many stories about on line dating both incredibly good and incredibly bad experiences and enough to give someone a great stand up routine.

There are other ways to meet people. A few of my friends met their dh’s through really random meetings. Sometimes the right guy comes along at the most unexpected time.

If you do leave and never found someone would you be prepared to go the sperm donor route and have children on your own. You might not think you can, especially if you have low self esteem, but you are stronger than you think especially if you have a child to look after. You could also end up a single mother if you divorced.

I wouldn’t have stayed for 9 years. My sister waited 10 & has just got married - she is 34 (no kids) house etc & her husband wanted a family and she wasn’t keen but she did want marriage so compromise was she finally got the big day which is more what she wanted than wedding & they’ll try in a year & see if they can have kids and have agreed on one.

i was engaged after 2.5 years, bought a house 6 months later, wedding a year later & had my daughter at 26 a few years later. I had been to uni, had a career by that point so was earning & my husband had a good job and is 5 years older but he knew i had a “life plan” i would have made it clear if no proposal after the 5 year point i’d have been gone as even without a big day which i did have i wanted the wedding & security and have been a sahm for years on the back of that. Only you can decide and if you are otherwise happy together does it really matter? If you give him an ultimatium he may propose knowing he’ll lose you but he may walk away so as not backed into it so ultimately are you prepared to lose him? With no guarantee of meeting anyone else who might want to settle down & have kids - whilst your biological clock keeps ticking?

From reading your posts here you've dropped a lot of hints. He's avoiding the issue because - I'm sorry to say - he doesn't want to be married to you or have children with you.
The question is whether you want to keep going with him for the next 10 years with no change other than you both getting older and your fertility reducing over time. I'd be looking to go separate ways and not waste any more time on him.

omg
sorry I don't understand relationships like these unless the women really want them.
i used to give guys a year and that was it- i had to know if they were serious or not
got what i wanted pretty soon.
stand up for what you want

I would leave. I wish I had left sooner. I did leave and was vilified for years.
But then he married the first person he met!
And I had to wait a lot more years, but my person came along and I'm so glad I left as I've never had before, what I have now and it's wonderful.

Exactly.
I was very clear with my now husband early on, as was he. I said at 18 months I expected a proposal soon or I would be finding somebody else who did want to commit. He proposed, we got married. The end. There doesn’t have to be any of this fucking about and I’ve no idea why anyone would tolerate it.

Tiredofthewhirring
Why on earth haven't you proposed to him?

That's a very good question. I think I just expected that he would and I have the view that if I do it, I'm just dragging him along. At least if he does it, I know he truly means it and cares enough about me to go to the effort. My parents had a very unromantic approach, had children and then my mum told my dad 'we might as well get married.' Their whole relationship was a disaster.

Do you think maybe you have unconsciously replicated that by being with someone who is not romantic op?

Or is he romantic in other ways, besides proposing?

Has he been put off marriage from doing it before?

I think the question you need to honestly answer is do I see myself with this guy forever? Never mind about the marriage. Can you imagine he'd be a good dad if you do decide to have kids?

Have an honest conversation either way him about these things. Check if you're on the same page. Then you'll have your answer 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's not bothered or he would have done it. You can propose to him

I felt like this. After a decade of no proposal I had started to feel very emotional about it. My mood swings got ridiculous and I had started to drive myself insane. I have EUPD so felt rejected and unwanted. So I took a leap of faith and spontaneously proposed to him. We got married 10 weeks later.

This 💯

I gave up waiting and just asked my partner - he was relieved as he didn’t have the first clue where to do it or what ring to pick and hadn’t wanted to “get it wrong and disappoint you”.

Bite the proverbial bullet and you’ll have your answer either way.

21 years together, not married, we do have 2 beautiful daughters and own a home together, he did buy me a diamond ring 10 years in 😂

I think you can do better than him and that you should move on quickly.

He's had one relationship with children that didn't work out. He's depriving you of the chance to have children (if that's what you want), knowing your age and how important it is to take action in your mid-thirties. He knows how important marriage is to you yet he takes no notice at all. I think he's become comfortable with you - you make no demands and I'm sure you pay half of the bills and help him with looking after his children.

You can do so much better. There are men out there who would think you were a huge catch and would do anything to make you feel safe and happy. He's not one of them. He thinks he's the catch. He's not.

I'm about the same age as you and waited alot longer, begrudgingly.
It got to the point where I was like shall I just propose you? Which he really hated the idea of. I was also starting to get quite upset at not being seen as 'good enough'.We already had the kids, so it was just something I wanted to feel like a 'real' family.
The 10 year mark came and went by, and that gutted me quite a bit, and we did live apart for a while after that. Obviously came back together after some soul searching on both parts. But it wasn't an easy ride.

I never wanted a big wedding, I literally booked a really nice registry office, bought gorgeous heavily discounted wedding dress on ebay. We made a weekend out of it. All within 4 months and less than £1000 all in.

You need to find out what the worry is and try to address that.

Sometimes you've got to bite the bullet, be really excited about it and just say I think this would be an amazing way to celebrate 10 years together! Tell him everyone thinks we are already married anyway and make the day as big or little as you want it. Look at a few places together it really needn't be hard (incase that's what he's worried about). Remind him it will be something to look forward to and genuinely it doesnt feel that different once you are, just thay little bit closer, which is nice 😀

NINE YEARS?! I'm going to be harsh because I think you need it, if you don't, stop reading.

He doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked. He's had 9 years! You can propose yourself and he might go along with it, but do you really want to be dragging a dead weight down the aisle?

I feel that you should speak out what your intentions are before you get too deep into a relationship

If they are not on the same page then you should do what's best for you

My husband and I were friends first so as soon as we started dating we both knew where it was going as we had discussed it before we agreed to date

Agree with others that now is the time to take action rather than keep waiting and hoping.

My guess is he isn't pushing marriage because he assumes that will lead to children which is doesn't really want to do again. you need to have a grown up conversation that includes an honest conversation about children - you need to make up your mind about this and be crystal clear whether this is a possibility.

We were together 16 years before we got our civil partnership. We had it about 6 weeks after we discussed doing it.
We had a chat about marriage around the time all of our friends were starting to get married and we were not interested in having a wedding and didn't really agree with the concept of marriage.
When there was the discussion about making civil partnerships available for heterosexual couples we decided we would do that when it became available. Life got in the way so we didn't do it straight away.

We have been together since our teens and it was in our mid to late tweenies that everyone started to get married and we started to discuss marriage. So it was probably around 9 years without a proposal but we still spoke about it to make sure we were on the same page. To me that's that's more important than a proposal/marriage

It’s been 9 years. He already has kids.

If he wanted kids or marriage with you then you’d be married with kids.

He’s happy to coast as is. You need to figure out what you want.

@TwoLittleDogs i would not consider marriage - and I’d reconsider a whole relationship where you can’t communicate better than this.

I certainly wouldn’t want to be tied to someone or have children with someone who I had to tip toe around so much due to
his fragile little ego.

Just imagine sitting him down and telling him how you really feel and expecting an open and adult discussion. Would he pass out? Walk out? Become non verbal?

The fact you can’t have open dialogue and he’s so passive about your entire future and things that are important to you make me feel like he’s just coasting along. That’s not what I’d want from a relationship.

Is it what you want?

No one can decide but you op.

All circumstances are different.

My dh didn’t propose for eleven years! Slightly different circumstances as we lived in different countries. And we had a break half way when I went out with someone else. He had family circumstances that he had to deal with first.

We’ve been married now for thirty years and still going strong 😀

I would be clear about your needs and expectations.

Tell him that you want to get married this year and start a family and that you want to book the date for the wedding as a sign of his commitment.

If there is no action after that, you need to be ruthless and leave.

9 years is long time to be in Limbo when it comes to life plans, so don't waste another minute on this man if he can't fulfil your needs.

Truly? I think he is wasting your time. He already has kid, he gets your love and companionship without having to make the commitment of marriage/more kids. All that ties him to you legally is the house and it can be put on sale if you spilt up. Basically he gets the better deal and has no reason or wishes to give you what you want.

I do also worry what kind of father he would be.

You seem to be in denial here. You know what kind of father he will be - because he already is one.

He's going to continue to disappoint you on every level and leave you unfulfilled.

He doesn't satisfy you emotionally on any level currently and this will be even more pianful and heartbreaking if/when you had children and he was as emotionally avoidant / disengaged ('passive' this is his choice?) as he is now.

Seems he cant do emotional intimacy and is always subtly in control. Why did the relationship with the mother of his children breakdown? Is that likley to happen again?

Is he older than you? I guess he is and doesnt like family life so targeted a young woman whos time he could waste. He's pulled it off for nearly a decade.

You have asked him and brought it up repeatedly. He hasnt said 'No' because he doesnt want to upend the domestic and financial set-up that suits him - but his actions are a 'No'.

But your gut knows that - thats why your seething with resentment.

Dont waste another minute of your finite fertility. He isnt good enough for your future children, your future experience of motherhood and marriage - or even your current emotional needs and compatibility.

Yes I did. At 9yrs and 1 month I got the news that relatives were coming to visit from Australia that summer. I told my then boyfriend that I wanted them to be at our wedding so if we were going to do, lets do it on our 10th anniversary which coincided with the visit. He agreed. Romantic, eh!?

I think it's time to cut your losses.