Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

How old are his existing kids?

Is he enthusiastic about having children, or do you feel like you'd be dragging him into fatherhood again?

Because unless someone is fully committed to being a parent (again) it's a bad idea to rest your future life on them being a fellow parent with you - would you want kids if you knew you'd have to raise them alone?

I never got proposed to, DH and I were having a conversation about marriage and kids one day and one of us, can't remember who, said, shall we do it next year then. Then we started planning.

You need to have a discussion with him, where you let him know that you are ready for marriage and are concerned that he doesn't seem to be wanting to move the relationship forward. You need to discuss what each of you have in mind for your futures and if there are any points you fundamentally disagree on. If you want kids and he doesn't or vice versa then that's an issues that needs to be addressed.

Frankly, if you're not having these kind of conversations, and if after 9 years you don't know what he wants and he doesn't know what you want then I'm not sure you're in a successful relationship.

Just ask him. I don't understand why you're so passive. You can't have a great relationship if you can't have a direct conversation with him.

Me and my (now) DH had been together almost 7 years when he proposed. He had talked about it about 3 years earlier but our relationship was going through a rough patch at the time and we had a very difficult, brutally honest heart to heart conversation about it not being the right time and the need to reinvest in solidifying our foundations before we considered next steps. I essentially told him if he proposed then I would have to say no, which I knew would end the relationship, and as I didn’t want that, I didn’t want him to ask yet. I did make it clear I absolutely saw my future with him, but wanted a proposal, engagement and marriage to happen when we were back on track. We’ve now been together 14 years and married for 5.

You both need to sit down and have a candid, open discussion. Explain what you are wanting and timelines (which may be crucial if you are getting older and wanting children) and ask him if he is ready and really willing to provide those things. If he say no, you’ll have to decide if that puts the relationship in the balance. If he says yes, then ask for some practical momentum to demonstrate he isn’t just placating you in the moment, e.g. “Great. Should we go and get me ring sized next weekend then? Could also have a little browse at some rings so you can get an idea of the style I like and an idea of budget?”

I'd be planning my exit op.
He knows full well what you want, but he doesn't want the same. You need the financial and legal protection of marriage incase something happens to one of you. I definitely would not have had children without it.
I didn't have a huge romantic proposal, I didn't need or want one, but we both really wanted to be married. I knew my dh wanted it just as much as I did.
That's the key here, I knew he wanted it. I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling like I wasn't quite good enough. Even if you do manage to persuade him to marry, you'll always know that he didn't want it. Good luck 💐

The thing is though that she has brought it up, she's sent him links to rings and he is putting her off and basically stonewalling her by refusing to discuss anything like that.

I completely agree.

Time this relationship moved forwards.

I'm sorry he's kept you waiting so long.

He doesnt want to marry you. So if that is something you want, you will need to end the relationship.

how often does he have his existing children, how was he with them when smaller, how much of the gritty day-to-day parenting did he and does he continue to do?

Waiting for a proposal is so old fashioned and unnecessary.
If you want to get married, tell him so and actively start arranging it. If you want kids, tell him and get on with it.
If he doesn't want either, or won't happily go along with it, then ypure with the wrong person.
It's your story, stop waiting for someone else to write it for you.

If you get married and have a child with him the communication difficulties in your relationship will get 100 times worse. Examples being, will he get up to soothe a baby during the night or will it all be done by you because you’re too unwilling to challenge him? How will he help cover any loss of earnings or pension contributions for you if you need to stop working for any prolonged period- if you have a special needs child for example?
The lack of proposal is just the symptom of much bigger isssues.

What protection do you mean?

I've seen a few people have asked this question (and there are a lot of comments so it's hard to keep up!) He's in his 40s. His kids are now adults who have left home, but before I feel like he only saw them out of obligation. I honestly have no clue how he'd feel if I left. He tells me the words that I want to hear and I want to believe him, but at the same time, his previous and current actions speak otherwise. Like I mentioned before, and as others have stated, I could propose. But it's that need to feel wanted. If I proposed and he said yes, I still wouldn't be able to shake that feeling of being unwanted. But I suppose with the fact I'm in this situation 9 years later, I technically have my answer.

100% this.

My parents, sister and a good friend of mine all got engaged in the same way - no waiting for whenever the man felt ready but a discussion between two equal partners. As others have said it sounds like a communication issue and he needs to be clear about what he wants and timeframes so you can work out if it’s what you want too. No more vague positive noises.

100% - I want to see that passion for the relationship and our future together.

Has he turned down your proposal?

You need to have an upfront conversation with him where you make clear what you want from the relationship and he gives you an honest answer about whether he wants the same or not.

If your relationship is not strong/honest enough for you to do this or if he won’t give you an answer then I would move on. I wouldn’t marry someone who I couldn’t talk to honestly about such fundamental things.

After 9 years, I honestly don’t think you’ll find it with him 💔

If he's a good Dad to the children he already has, then I'd perhaps push the issue and say you want marriage/children and without those, it's over. If he's not a good Dad, then move on. It really would be that black and white for me - if a man isn't bothered about a relationship with existing kids, that's how he's going to make yours feel one day. Life's too short to spend it banging your head against a brick wall.

There is no way this current boyfriend wants to marry you, you have even given him an out of a big wedding by saying you'll elope and still he doesn't. If you want to be a forever girlfriend to someone you live with who doesn't want to marry you then that is fine and he gets what he wants.

I'm sorry, but I don't think that he wants any more kids. He should have been clear from the start instead of stringing you along.

If he wasn't that/isn't that into the kids he already has why on earth do you want to have kids with him?
I have to say, this sounds worse with every post you make.

Please think about moving on from this man, as hard as that may be.
You have been very clear here about what you want & need in a relationship and you aren't getting those things from him. He just isn't right for you.

Those that say that marriage isn’t a priority to him are correct.

You wanting marriage is something he ignores as it isn’t a priority to him and so you aren’t a priority

Think of all the things he wants and gets and what he prioritizes in his own life and then think that you come below those things

I would ask him, and if it’s a no but something that you want then I would leave him. It’s easier to split if you aren’t married.
Then find someone who wants what you want.

Genuine question: given you earn similar amounts, what extra “protection” do you think marriage gives you when you have a child?

Of course it's water under the bridge now, but I frankly wouldn't have hung around for nine of your fertile years knowing that he'd already got children and was less likely to be bothered about more

As is often said on here, men either want to get married or they don't, and those who do make it happen
Sadly yours doesn't, so it sounds as if you have a diffricult choice to make and I wish you only the best with it