Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I wouldn't stay, no. If he doesn't want to marry you after 9 years, then he simply doesn't want to marry you.

If you want to be married, at this point, you should be very direct with him and say that if that's not what he wants, then it's time for you both to move on.

You're in your 30s, right? He only has to keep you waiting for a few more years until your chances of having a child (if you want one) start to reduce. He makes the right noises for a while longer, and you'll be thinking to yourself, I probably don't have time on my side to leave, meet someone else, get to the point I know they are right for me, start trying to conceive...

I feel quite sad for you OP - I think he doesn’t want to marry you - he’s been there and done that with the ex and has the kids. And now - you’re at an age where you feel you can’t start over - basically you’re stuck as you’ve left it too late and he’s strung you along. Sorry I have no advice - but in your position I would leave rather than force someone to marry you. Sorry.

It seems every couple of months or so there's a thread with a variation on this theme. Why do women do this? Women in 2024, who have more independence and options in life open to them than practically any of the generations who preceded them? You're an autonomous adult. To cede over the important decision of how you structure your future lives to one party in the relationship makes no sense. Would you leave other major decisions - house-purchasing, which car to buy, where in the country you live, where you go on holiday, etc. - to the assumed 'head of the house' because he's male? Of course you wouldn't.

With any other key decision, you'd communicate what you want clearly and say you want plans put in place. If you suspect he's 'future-faking', tell him you want to be married by a specific deadline and if you're not, you know you don't want the same things from your relationship. You can then make an independent, informed choice about what you do in that situation. Don't relegate your place in your own relationship to that of a complacent child, which does sound harsh but is exactly what women who long for a proposal (which in the end means nothing) are doing. And it's clearly to the detriment of their own happiness.

You only get one life. For women in particular biology sucks, because our fertility window is short. There are no second chances if you waste yours on a future-faker. But as long as the proposal complacency remains, the threads to this tune will continue.

It depends on what you are wanting.

1. A big gesture (the proposal)- I think it's clear after 9 years that isn't coming
2. A wedding - then propose to him or just plan a wedding with him with neither of you proposing

It's easy for me to say as my stbxh cheated but the proposal is not important. The wedding isn't important. The legal protection is. I wouldn't have kids with someone if I didn't have financial security. The woman always makes sacrifices when having children. The man rarely does. I think it's important to be protected if you are going to make significant financial sacrifices and he is unlikely to make any and is the higher earner

mid 30s? You've wasted 9 of your most fertile years on this man who doesn't want to commit to you? get the hell out of there.

Nope. I made it clear to my then-boyfriend that I would not be just a girlfriend for life. The legal contract was important to me.

What do you mean when you wrote you don't know what kind of father he would be? You have hard, factual evidence of what type of father he is.

No. She hasn't clearly and confidently stated it. She's hinted, she's shown him pictures, and he's managed to bury his head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

OP - it sounds like the time has come to say that the relationship as it stands isn't working for you. I know it's difficult to leave something that seems OK a lot of the time, but if he can't make you happy then move on. Give him one last chance if you think he's worth it, total clarity, all cards on the table but be ready to go if necessary.

He won’t marry you because he thinks it will be easier to leave you if he’s not married to you. It may be easier for the person in the stronger financial position with no interest in taking responsibility for children to choose to leave in this scenario, but only if the other person is in a weak financial position - it’s not easier if they are pissed off, have the spare cash, and feel like getting legally argumentative over the muddy waters of years of unmarried pooling of resources. Really pissed off people would rather ruin themselves, so long as they drag the other person down with them.

I wouldn’t make yourself vulnerable having children with this man unless you have prepared yourself for likely single motherhood. I wouldn’t carry on living with him unless you are happy to accept he only wants to suit himself.

Given you've said you're mid-30s and possibly want children, no I wouldn't stay. Even if you don't want kids so the biological clock isn't an issue, I'd still leave as he's showing you a fundamental lack of love and honesty in how he's approaching this.

It's one thing if you both don't value marriage and are happy to stay together and have children anyway. But when one party really wants to be married and the other knows this but refuses to address the issue properly then it's doomed. It shows that the non-marrying partner is happy for their partner to live in emotional discomfort as long as they keep it to themselves and will lie to their face if they dare to bring it up.

If he truly loved you and wanted you to be happy, he would be honest with you. True love and maturity is saying, "I love you and want you to be happy whether it's with me or not. I'm being honest about what I can offer, so you can make the best decision for you, even if that's leaving". You've got someone who thinks "I only care about you in relation to me, so I will lie and dodge admitting anything that might make you leave even if overall I know you'd be far happier"

In your place, I'd start by figuring out whether I want children - not necessarily with this partner, but at all. If you're roughly 35 you're definitely old enough to make a fairly accurate prediction even if you're not 100% sure. If you DON'T want children, double check that he's still amenable to have no more, and then discuss marriage. If you DO want children, decide if you're willing to sacrifice that to stay with this man (who should not have ant more children he doesn't enthusiastically want!!), and if so then discuss marriage.

I don't think it's a great sign if he knows that you want marriage, you've brought it up multiple times, there's been discussion of children and it hasn't been ruled out, AND he's STILL not just "not ready yet" but has given you NO idea of what would need to change or happen in order for him to feel ready. But if you've really not given him an indication that you want children (and want to be married before having them), then his "all the time in the world" attitude is more understandable. He may also be projecting his "take them or leave them" attitude toward children onto you. He possibly doesn't realise the urgency of the marriage question for you. You've got to be clear with him about what you're thinking, especially as significant resentment is building up.

I never understand the advice saying ‘just propose yourself’ - no woman wants to feel like she’s dragging her fiancé down the aisle. Nobody wants to feel "dragged", but there's no real reason anymore for sex-based roles in the ask-and-accept scenario. People who don't want to get married can and should should say a clear no to a proposal, and then the matter is settled. People who (might) want to marry their partner but not just yet need to respond to a proposal with a serious and honest discussion about why not now and if not now, when. Which in this case should have happened years ago.

I know three different couples who had all been in long relationships and were at the break up or get married point.

One couple got married and got divorced soon after.
One couple got engaged and split up before the wedding.
One couple split up and the male proposed to a new partner in less than 18 months.

Personally, I wouldn’t stay with someone in this situation - but marriage and children have always been something I definitely wanted xx

Sadly this does seem you have different priorities and whilst it will be painful, it may not be a lasting relationship that is what you are looking for.

I haven't rtft, but is your resentment stronger than your desire to marry him?

If so, then leave.

If not, then you propose to him. If he doesn't immediately and excitedly say yes, then leave.

After reading the whole thread, if I was you, OP,
I wouldn't bother with marrying this man.
(Or anybody anymore for eternity).
He's clearly satisfied in the current situation and doesn't have any intention to change anything (Why would he)?
And he's not comfortable with certain questions, the poor lamb.
I "waited" for my husband to marry me for exactly nine years. His previously failed first marriage and sharing his huge assets were obviously the point.
To be bold, I wanted security and personal freedom, not kids.
We have been married for 20 years with myself set for the rest of my life. I never had massive self confidence either, but knew what I wanted since childhood.
Put your needs first. You can do better.
🍀

You should sit him down and have a frank discussion about what he wants out of this relationship. Really you should have done this years ago. It looks like he has got what he wants. He has his children and he has you for other things.
Not being able to talk to your OH about something that is bothering you does not go well for a good relationship.

Honestly OP, I genuinely don't know how you get 9 years into a relationship without having a serious conversation about children.

What if you decide you do want them and he says he doesn't?

He will run down your biological clock and then the decision will be out of your hands.

Me and my bf have been together for 12y but neither one of us don't particularly have a desire to get married so it works for us.

However, if I wanted to get married then I would not listen to those excuses. This is not his decision. You can discuss timeliness. If he's non commital and has someday it is time to move on.

if all the circumstances of my life were correct, I would get married and have children in a heart beat.

The right circumstances clearly don't involve being with this man.

I wouldn’t stay and I didn’t stay.
I am in my 50’s now and it’s a regret that I stayed with someone for nearly 12 years who knew I wanted to get married.
Had far less confidence then.
Took me a while to get over and built a life for myself.
He is still single, somewhere out there. To be fair he didn’t want to marry anyone at all.

You’ve given him 4 more years than I would have.

please don’t propose, it doesn’t sound like getting married is what he wants and you proposing is just you trying to force it. Getting married should be a forced thing at all. Both should want it.

My dh knew from early on in our relationship that if he wanted children then marriage was to happen before we had them, he proposed after 4 years however I was only 19 when we got together so pretty young.

I also struggle to talk to him about these things as he doesn't like to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. It ends up with me sending him messages which I know he reads, but it's like he acts like he's never seen them. Or I get the courage to actually speak to him one night, and the next day it's like it never happened.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be married to someone, and definitely wouldn't have kids with someone, who can't communicate about anything.

Generally if a man wants to do something he'll do it. So we can conclude he doesn't want to marry you. He might do it, if you push it. But how secure will you feel knowing you're only married because you forced the issue or gave him an ultimatum. And then the next step will be repeating this dance all over again as you try to convince him to have kids. (Which, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he wants).

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or want to be with you, but it sounds like he wants to keep things as they are. This is why he's not giving you a firm no to getting married/kids. Because he knows a firm no will end the relationship. Instead he's saying "soon", "maybe" and stringing you along for years.

Personally, I think it's time for you to leave.

If you’ve made it clear it’s want you want; I would have one final conversation and say “this is a red line for me.” Then discuss a timeline with him that would be acceptable to you. If nothing happens and he still coasts; I would leave. I hate coasters! Do not have kids if you aren’t married. I would bear in mind that if you do marry this man, he will probably drag his feet in other ways through life.. my DH was like this. I married him anyway. He has sped up and is much more dynamic now due to a number of factors and circumstances changing which has been beneficial to everyone. You need an honest and very open conversation op. Theres No right or wrong choice here- it’s just about what you really want in life and what choices would bring you happiness or not long term. Lots of luck x

Having read your post about having to send him messages; actually I think he’s useless and you should leave!! Chocolate teapot comes to mind. X

I think you want different things.
if you both wanted the same thing the conversation would go something like
“ what do you think about marriage”
”I am in favour of it and I want to marry you”
”great I want to marry you too, but I don’t want to wait any longer”
then either an “official” proposal follows soon after or you start planning a wedding, if neither of those things happen then you should bring it up again */- leave.

Men will, and do, drag women along for as long as it suits them with no regard for their want for a family and biological clock. I am currently witnessing the painful end of an 8 year relationship where the bloke has now turned around and said he has “changed his mind” about children after 8 years, the woman is 40. Don’t let that happen to you.

Given your age, I probably wouldn’t have stayed longer than three years. I appreciate this doesn’t help you, but it might help someone else reading this thread.

My reasoning is that otherwise you get stuck in sunk cost fallacy, with the added stress of child bearing years slipping away.

I think it’s time for an honest discussion and then make your decision. You need to be brave.