Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

It’s a hard one! I’ve been with my partner for 11 years (we now live in a different country). When we first met I stated how important marriage was to me and if it sssbt right for him that’s fine but he wasn’t right for me. He then said he wanted to get married but not there and then. Like you my biological clock was ticking and I made the decision of having two kids as the thought of not having kids was worse for me than getting married. He has since said he isn’t bothered about getting married, it isn’t needed etc then switches to maybe someday. Yes it annoys me, but I love my children and knew I wanted to create a family with him more than marriage. Or more so not finding someone else for a long time. I feel for you.

Please don’t ‘settle’ for this person because you have been together for years and have a home etc
you say you can’t face OLD but honestly there is nothing more lonely or miserable than being in a relationship which is habit more than anything else.

think about how you can work on your self esteem and confidence and then decide what YOU want.

It might do if he decides there’s an inheritance tax incentive…

I didn't want this to be about me but I was in a similar position OP.
My now DH changed his mind about marriage only after I'd left him.

Exactly! You are100% equals, 2 grown up, mature, fully functioning human beings. So why is it acceptable to have to hang around, waiting for him to decide, especially when it comes to such life changing decisions?. I know that we are conditioned, from girl hood that this a traditional, romantic gesture etc, but I do think you should have equal input in deciding on things that will alter the outcome of the rest of your life. And if you can’t there is absolutely nothing romantic about that.

Start getting valuers in, etc…. Look at all your options. There are so many places you can go, people you can be, etc…. Look at what you could be without him.

I personally wouldn't have waited this long but I did make that clear at the beginning of my relationship.

Don't feel bad about the things you want in life, wanting to be married before having children is ok!

I have a mum friend who was in a similar position to you but in addition she wanted children and just thought he would 'come round'. He didn't! She had to leave and luckily for her she fell in love and had a baby but she wasn't able to have a second which she would have loved. She's a great mum! I'm inspired by her everyday!

Go for what you really want, you've only got one life to live!

If you've lived with a man that long and seriously consider him the person you want for a life partner and father to your children, then the least you should be able to do is have a frank and direct conversation. It's seems very odd to me that you'd be tentatively raising the subject, hoping he'll ask, when you really should know his intentions in this very important matter snd he should know yours. Sit him down and tell him you want to be married by whenever and want children by whenever. Is that what he wants too? Because if so you want to set a date.

make sure that in the event of his death, or you break up, that you will be covered financially and in terms of the house.

Assuming that the house is owned 50/50 what happens if he suddenly dies? or you do? How will your assets be divided. Married, you are on much firmer ground. Unmarried? you both need watertight, uncontestable wills.

Maybe you need to look at why marriage is so important to you.

Is it because he doesn't show you his true love & commitment day to day and so a proposal will prove it? You say he doesn't discuss things so I imagine you might feel uncertain about how he really feels about you.

Do you feel insecure in this relationship after all this time & need the marriage to cement it?

It sounds like marriage is more important to you right now than children as you say you haven't decided on them.

As an outsider looking in, it seems your relationship is one-sided and that is causing you so much uncertainty which you feel a marriage would end.
You are mid thirties. Much better to be out there again looking for a new partner now than at 40 or 45.

I personally never wanted to get married but if it had been very important to my partner I might have reconsidered. I’d just ask him myself if I were you

Think about the reasons why he has no motivation to marry you

He isn't the marrying kind.

perhaps in his background, he associates marriage with feeling trapped, being 'done over' in divorce, negative associations relating to marriage.

he wants the option to leave without the hassle of dividing assets.

hes comfortable with you but maybe doesn't express sufficient love that it's a relationship he sees being for life,

he has significant assets that he doesn't want to share with you, and by getting married he fears he could lose the assets if you were ever to split up.

9 years is a very long time. If he has to be dragged kicking and screaming to the Register Office or altar, then is that of any value and where does it put you in the future, if you're the only one wants marriage?

Nope. 4 years was my limit. 9! No way!

So basically women always have to wait for the man to make the decision? It's not a question of forcing anyone to stay in your life, it's a matter of stepping up and clearly and confidently stating what you want to happen going forwards.

No, women are not 100% equal. When we have children, a man can up and walk away without a backward glance. We bear far more of the risks of marriage and children, yet we are now meant to even take on the proposal part too?

Too many men are like OP's partner, and just passively go along with anything because it is convenient until something better comes along. I don't want a passive man, I want a man who is keen enough to make it worth the risk of having children with, or getting financially entangled with etc. So if I wanted to be married and he couldn't even be proactive enough to propose, I'd leave.

She already has! He knows she wants to get married!

The O P's partner isn't forthcoming about his feelings so if he suddenly fell on one knee holding out a sparkling rock she would know he's in it for the long haul.
If she does it and he just says 'yeah, ok then' she still won't really know & he might just wander off when he's had enough.

How old were his children when you got together? Does he see them much?

Nearly 20 years, three kids and no proposal and I’m still around. If you want a proposal so bad, propose yourself.

@ChristmasFluff Sorry I quoted you by mistake - no glasses!

OP it sounds like your relationship isn’t that great anyway and if you’re already starting to resent him, it will ultimately get worse. You can’t stay with him because you’re worried you won’t find anyone else, that’s daft. I had been with my DH 3 years and was very clear that I wanted marriage and a family so if he didn’t then the relationship wouldn’t work. I also made it clear that I needed actions and not words and he said he wanted the same but had become comfortable in our lives living together that he had just thought it would happen eventually and hadn’t realised he would have to actively make it happen. The proposal came shortly after. We’re now married and ttc, the proposal didn’t come instantly but within a reasonable amount of time but he was always very reassuring and shared his intentions. He absolutely adores me and loves me, just needed a bit of a kick up the arse as he’s very laid back. Also, we met online so don’t feel that it’s all horror stories! Many of our friends also met online and are happily married too.

Exactly this

Perhaps it's a great thing he hasn't asked you because this doesn't sound like a supportive partner.

He doesn't even understand how important being married is to you.

Move on - the right person for you might be just around the corner.

@TwoLittleDogs you are making massive compromises with your DP, you sound like two very different people the more you describe him on here.

be true to yourself and don't ignore the warning signs now - by marrying this man, you stand to have to compromise through your marriage which won't give you the stability and security you need and deserve.