Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Yes I guess it is better than nothing.

He strung her along. He did NOT say to her: "I love being with you but I don't want marriage and kids. Stay at your own risk." No, he told her "I want that too" while wasting the most fertile of her years. He convinced her to WAIT while her eggs were dying in their thousands.

He lied, but fair's fair. Now she should lie to him about wanting to wait and give themselves more time, and dump him once those eggs are safely in the deep freeze, having paid for most or all of it.

That's what he gets for lying and wasting all that fertility of hers. That is a very serious offence because it affects the trajectory of the rest of her life, if they break up when she's now 35, him having lied about his intentions in order to keep her around. Why SHOULD she be put in a situation where she has to scramble and worry about getting another relationship in time for her fertility to hold out? He should pay for her eggs to be frozen and since he's obviously a selfish git who doesn't care about her future, she'll have to con him into paying. Serves him right. He told her he wants marriage and kids with her and she just has to wait, while he wants nothing of the sort, and she's now 35 with no kids.

A serious offence?! Quick - call the police! Report it immediately! Take him to court and sue him for the cost of egg freezing!

OP - don’t do this. I’m sure you already know that though.

Oh - and don’t lie to him to get money or ‘accidentally’ get pregnant either. Obviously.

Have you done it?

You talk about it as if it's like a trip to have your nails done.

I know a colleague who did it, it was very stressful and the side effects were not pleasant at all.

If you want to discuss egg freezing maybe start a new thread as it's nonsense as part of this one.

What is better for the OP is to leave this man and find another one who wants what she does.

What is the jail term for this serious offence?

To help him not go to jail could you pop round and suggest to him that he pays for her to freeze her eggs.

That would be super-helpful.

He's bound to listen and agree.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but this sounds like an absolutely terrible relationship, and he is certainly not marriage material.

You can't communicate with him

He only saw his kids out of obligation

He sees housework as your domain, not his.

Why on earth do you want to marry him? You realise that all these traits are going to be massively amplified once you have kids? Planning to grow old with someone - with all the ups and downs that life brings - who you can't communicate with and who has no sense of domestic or paternal responsibility is a recipe for disaster.

All of the people who complain that their boyfriends have been "stringing them along" had agency and chose not to use it. They could have left at any time

Exactly

For all the talk about men "convincing us that ..." it really seems that a lot of the convincing going on is women doing it to themselves, presumably because it involves something they want to believe

I don't want to be married. My partner would prefer that we were. But I have always been completely open about how I feel in a way that the OP's dp wasn't. And if it was something he really really wanted, rather than him just having a slight preference, then we would have talked about it more, and I probably would have agreed, because I love him and want to make him happy. Because that's what functional couples do.

Making fun because you can't refute my point about him leading her on.

All right, he lied. He lied to her, saying marriage and kids is what he wants too, and here we are, 35 and zilch. He lied to keep her where she is. He manipulated her into staying by dangling the carrot. And she loved him so she trusted him. I can't believe you're blaming HER for staying!

The bdy tease should pay for egg retrieval, storage, and IVF x 2 if she needs it in the future.

No he shouldn’t - he owes her nothing whatsoever in terms of money for egg donation and IVF , nor is the 9 year relationship a serious offence. Ridiculous claim.

Unless she was chained up or locked in she had free will to leave.

Stop saying women are silly little creatures who are so easily duped.

It's insulting.

His feelings didn’t necessarily change. He found a compliant female who gives him what he wants with minimal hassle. He gets the cushy life at home with a cleaner and laundry maid plus sex and her love boosting his ego. Why would he give that up? She thinks he’s in love. He lets her think that because it suits him. He has managed to ignore and deflect her talk of marriage and kids because he likes the present arrangement better. He did the wife and kids bit and doesn’t want to go there again.
its scary how quickly the years go in while you’re waiting for someone to come around to do what they say they will. I was promised something that was always going to happen after x job was out the way, then y, then z . 10 years passed . I left , went back on promises of change , 13 years passed. I left again. But it’s the carrot dangling in front of the donkey..very effective till one realises it’s never happening . It’s all lies and a con.
Not all guys are the same. Some aren’t even human under the skin. We expect them to behave as we would…don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep…but they don’t. They are users, indifferent and not emotionally invested, incapable of love as we feel it, only interested in what their needs and wishes are. They can talk a good game if they think you’re sliding away…but revert when they feel secure again.

Oh dear god, please don't have children with him! If he can't even pull his own weight in your household of 2 adults, how likely is it he will contribute anything worth having as a parent? Do you want to be a married single mother? I'd rather plan to have children alone through donation or adoption than have them with someone who didnt share the parenting and housekeeping equally.

These patterns keep happening but is there only one person in charge of breaking them? Whatever happened to your self-sovereignty? Will you always wait for your partner to make choices that you want for yourself? It’s understandable that traditions have stood in place for enough time to make a woman waiting for a proposal normal, even waiting for marriage to have children. Granted these traditional norms work for some. But if you continue to live in a world on everyone else’s terms, you will leave your sovereignty behind and lose eventually, as no one can satisfy your every urge. (I've intuitively channeled this answer for you because going beyond the mind is what I do. Hope it helps!)

It is time to take your life into your own hands. Decide what you want and go for it. If you don’t choose for yourself, eventually someone else will. And you may not like the consequences of that choice.

I'm honestly questioning that myself at the moment. He does support me in a lot of ways, and I do feel he has my best interests at heart a lot of the time. But I am really just questioning it all now. We also do have a very comfortable life, but it's whether the sacrifices are worth it.

Yes we discussed it at the weekend, and marriage as well. He was ameniable to both, but I am really questioning it all. He really wont make any gestures unless I push it. I haven't had the proper sit down conversation with him yet as I feel I need to prepare myself and structure what I need to ask so I actually get what I need from the conversation.

I wish there was sex involved 😩

And no sex either?! OP please leave; I think this relationship is done.

How are you going to have kids without sex?

Are you sure you aren't his beard?

I’m sorry, it really sounds as if this relationship fundamentally is not giving you the things in life that are important to you. I hope you find a way to get them.

No sex?

Bless you OP. You know this is done don’t you? 💐

How can you think to get married and have children if there’s no sex?
He doesn’t want a wife and children.
Sounds to me as if he’s just saying what he has to say to get you to stay and shut up for a bit on the subject. That carrot on a string in front of the donkey. I’ve been the donkey. Different carrot but same end result, I never got the carrot.
He wants what he’s got at the moment. Or else he’s checked out, wants the convenient life he has just now till someone comes along that he does want sex with. Or else he already has a bit on the side.
There’s something wrong . He has you brainwashed somewhere into accepting the life you have so far that you want him, despite him not meeting your needs or being honest with you. He’ll coast along like this till you can’t have children and feel he’s won, if you let him. IMO. I could be wrong but it does not feel as though I am.
Even a wedding doesn’t solve the sex issue, and what if he does do the wedding bit but still no children? One does not guarantee the other. In this case, I’d put children first because the marriage is a pain to get out of. Though annulment for non consummation might be easier. I don’t know. Just popped into my head.
i get the feeling you are chasing rainbows while your life slips by. And it is slipping by. I’m older than you and have had a rude awakening to mortality.

He most certainly does NOT have your best interests at heart. How can you even think that in a relationship that doesn’t give you what you want, but only serves what he wants.
edited typo