Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP, the thought of starting again can feel so overwhelming. I get it - I stayed in a crap relationship way too long because I thought I’d made my bed.

But think of it this way. If you leave him, in five years you might be single and not have children. On the other hand, stay and you’ll almost certainly still be unmarried and without children, but you’ll be hugely resentful because you’ve spent that five years being strung along, and doing all the housework for a man who doesn’t respect you.

Even if you don’t meet someone else (you probably will!) I promise you will be happier single than in a miserable relationship.

'because that is him only weighing up that it is less work to ask you to marry him than it is for him to lose you and have to do work to find another gf to live with him and replace you'

He wont be getting someone in their early twenties this time round and if he goes for a 10 year age gap he his dating pool will be women with young children - and he will know this and likely behave desperately to get you to stay - but once that bluster dies down after a few weeks he is the same avoidant, self serving, disingenuous, emotionally inept, silent wanker he always was.

"Oh yes, the house is a point of contention. We both work full time but I bear the full load of the housework and find myself squeezing it in to times when he's affording himself the liberty of relaxing. In the past when I've reached peak frustration with him I have blurted out how much easier it would be to live alone and run my own house without him in it."

Missed this bit earlier. This is so misogynistic - you are not in an equal, mutual, reciprocal relationship. He does not respect you.

You would do well to swerve having children with this lazy sod - your life would be miserable. Honestly down tools right now.

I'm sorry it's crystal clear he doesn't want to marry you.

You already know this, and your resentment will grow and grow, and the relationship will ultimately fail.

As an aside, why on gods earth are you doing all of the house work?

He's got an all-round cushy number with you; you're much younger than him, you do all the housework, and he doesn't have to commit to you.

Find someone who adores you, that genuinely wants the same things as you.

Don't let him waste any more of your precious time.

He isn't unique, this scenario is very common. People don't give a sh*t about dangling carrots (he doesn't even do that!!), and wasting the best years of someone else's life.

You're making a lot of assumptions but they are just assumptions, not facts. Regardless of how many people will validate them.

There are men who propose in most romantic way then cheat/leave. I also know plenty of people who never married yer they are very committed and happy together.
Marriage used to be a start of commitment and life together. It is not anymore. It's just one of the options. If he didn't love you and didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't be with you for 9 years! If marriage is what you want then make it clear to him it's not negotiable for you. You won't be dragging him along. You will be finding out if you have same values/goals so you can start going in the same direction, which is basis of any relationship. And if you can't do that , you will struggle with resentment forever, if not because of proposal then because of something else. He should be the person you trust the most and can open up to. If you don't feel that after 9 years maybe marriage is not the best option right now anyway.

So he's completely avoident about something that is very serious and important to you, and lazy toboot. What on earth is the attraction, because this man has not got your best interests at heart?

It must be a living head fuck every day, let alone having a huge elephant in the room.

It's time for you to be brave and stand up for what matters to you, because he will keep you right where he wants you and what suits his selfish needs.

Don't waste yet more years on him, because it will not end well.

Being with someone for 9 years does not necessarily equate to love.
He is with her because she fills a need, or several needs and he doesn’t have to try hard to get what he wants. Or hasn’t yet. OP has been easy to fob off when she has wanted something he doesn’t want to give. He’s got home comforts, the housekeeper, someone younger to share bills and bed. It’s convenient for him.
Now she is starting to rock the boat. Yes, it’s been brought up before but she hasn’t pushed. He won’t react well to being cornered. IMO
I bet his true colours show then. I think they already did when he goes on as if she’s never mentioned marriage and kids. Kicking the can down the road when she sends pics of rings etc. If he was going to go along with it, he’d have done it already. I think he has no intention of getting married and does not want more kids. He’s been lulled into security by OPs passiveness. If he caves, it will be with resentment, but I think he might just say No, it’s not happening, get over it. Hoping she’ll get over it and let him carry on the same.
I’d say, he does not love her. He loves what she brings to his life, the housework done etc but that’s not the same thing.
Does he want that to continue enough to marry and have kids that will upset the status quo? She needs to push and find out

Having read what she says about him, I think she’d be nuts to marry this guy. Rotten husband material and rotten father material. Have kids with this cold, indifferent lump? Really?

Who said anything about her being a single mother? It would be to buy her more time to find another relationship. I have no idea why you jumped to that conclusion. Egg freezing is about giving yourself more choices.

And I don't know what you mean with your outraged "Why on earth!" Egg freezing exists for the very purpose I just mentioned - to give women more time and choices. And I already said why she should get him to pay towards it - because he's using her, so she should get tough and do the same thing. It's also only as painful as any other minor procedure, and you have anaesthetic.

What a weird reaction to the sensible suggestion of egg freezing!

If she doesn't feel that he is with her because he loves her and wants to spend his life with her then what's the point in marrying him anyway? To make split more expensive and difficult down the line ?
Doesn't make sense to me.

No, I wouldn’t. I do not tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect.

I said, being together 9 years does not mean it has to be love. People will stay and not be in love. generalising in that sentence.
She thought he loved her and had her best interests at heart. I think doubt is setting in.
From the outside, seeing the descriptions, it’s a different perspective. We get lulled in a relationship. Stuff outsiders would not accept becomes our normal. Till we see it go too far, or too often. But time is no measure of love . Often it’s habit. Or convenience.

If her man loves her, he hides it well

Egg freezing costs thousands of pounds @NoisyDenimShaker
It's morally wrong for you to suggest she tricks her partner into paying for it with the sole intention of using her eggs with someone else. That's my biggest criticism of your suggestion. Two wrongs don't make a right.

The success rate of conceiving is very low. Too many women are made to believe it's all so easy and given false hope from clinics out to make money.
Women have to inject themselves with hormones for a long time and many find they have unpleasant side effects, not to mention the actual collecting procedure,

I'm sticking with my 'why on earth' because there are lots of very good reasons why it's a bad idea in this case. It'd be different if this was a thread about the pros and cons of egg freezing with someone single wanting to do it for herself, having made that decision and having the finances when I'd be 100% supportive, but it's not.

Her boyfriend has wasted 9 years of her fertile life. Thousands and thousands of her eggs have died in that time. And does he care? Like hell he does. He cares not one jot for how her life turns out.

He owes her egg freezing due to all the eggs of hers that he's wasted. If he'd split up with her instead of wasting her most fertile years, he wouldn't be in a position where he could potentially pay for part of the procedure.

As for two wrongs not making a right, we're talking about her ability to have children here. That is very serious and has lifelong ramifications. Being a choirgirl gets you nowhere.

Also, you can offset the cost by donating some of your eggs.

He owes her egg freezing?! Don’t be ridiculous, he owes her nothing - relationships break down all the time and there is no legal or moral requirement for a man to pay for egg freezing.

@ClaireduLuney is absolutely correct on what she says.

Egg freezing would buy her time and take the pressure off having to find another relationship fast, given that she's 35. Having wasted her most fertile years by stringing her along, the least he could do is pay for egg freezing, in my opinion.

Some might think bringing it up all the time and sending pics of favourite engagement rings is not only asking, it’s begging. He’s deflecting every time. He knows the bait is there and won’t bite.

No, her boyfriend hasn't wasted 9 years of her life.
She is the one who has given him 9 years. Her choice. She's not imprisoned.

What an odd moral compass you have if you think men owe women money to buy egg freezing if a relationship doesn't end with marriage and a baby.
And thinking that men will just go along with the idea.
Crazy.

I suppose you would also suggest she might get pregnant 'accidentally' to the same end?

Your 'advice' would be better channeled into helping the OP to leave him, sell the house they own and start a new life where she can meet a man who wants what she does.

It's very common for people who are married and have children to stay together for convenience. If you don't have those ties it's much easier to just leave and find love and convince with someone else. It's very very unlikely he would be staying with her for 9 years if he didn't care in a first place.
If his feelings changed , if he's not a nice man or they don't have the same goals for the future then relationship is over anyway. But instead of establishing where she stands and getting relationship on track or leaving, OP is obsessing about lack of official proposal.

Times when engagement was a first step for commitment are long gone. If you already live with someone, are together for years, plan future together etc you need to be honest with each other and know where you're going rather then wait passively like a passenger in your own life.
And if you have to question if that person really wants to be with you then it's not a good relationship.

Egg freezing is not the great back up plan a lot of women think it is.

From all the suggestions given here and the extreme ideas generated I think it's clear u should dump him
He obvs doesn't care for you

She was free to walk at any time - any one of us in non-coercive or abusive relationships are. You don’t get a down payment for egg freezing just because you hang about for years waiting for a proposal. Your opinion is ridiculous.

Totally agree. All of the people who complain that their boyfriends have been "stringing them along" had agency and chose not to use it. They could have left at any time.

We're all taught as children that "actions speak louder than words." Those who choose to ignore this are responsible for the consequences of ignoring the obvious.

Can I ask why you want to marry him @TwoLittleDogs ?

You can't have a serious adult conversation with him, and have to resort to sending him messages that he doesn't respond to. Without having that, without being able to talk to each other at a deep emotional level, what have you got? It's not a relationship, at best it's a friendship with benefits where you also happen to be housemates.

There is nothing wrong with being a lone wolf who is surviving on her own and being her own person. On the outside people make unnecessary remarks or downright nosy about "why are you still single?" or "you are too fussy" or "you had a man why did you give up on him?". It is almost like women are not allowed to be single or without something when they are a whole entity on their own. In the meantime find an organisation that involves kids from tougher backrounds or difficulties to channel that nurturing nature in you. Some kids need somebody to listen to them if their parents have tough circumstances. As regards meeting somebody new be open to new environments (not sleazy places obviously) e.g. animal care, walking groups, car interest groups, machinery groups, diy groups.....

It's better than nothing.