Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP said her biological clock is ticking.

Have you actually discussed having children with your partner OP?

I've only read your posts, OP, and those quoted within them, but I'd say you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you want kids. You've implied that you're not sure, but you really do need to make a decision - if you do want them, either you need him to commit to that pretty much right away, or else you need to move on to look for someone who wants the same things from life as you do. If you decide that you don't want kids, you have different options to consider. But nine years have already gone by and you can't let this drift on indefinitely without deciding.

Turn this around. OP you said you were undecided on children - could this be because you are with the wrong man and with a different partner might be more decided? Maybe your gut instinct is telling you not with this one.

@ForJoyousAzurePombear

I'm guessing she doesn't have a particularly strong maternal desire then.

I only started to think about it when I hit my 30s, and only more seriously the last year or so. My life was very tumultuous beforehand so it was not an environment that warranted thinking about or bringing up children.

Having read more, I’d agree with this. He sounds like mine..sort of dangling the carrot of something I wanted but never actually following through, while getting what he wanted from me all the while.

While we did get married, he just used that to control me. Apparently, he then owned me. probably yours won’t do that bit.

Don’t stay with someone because you think that’s all you’ll get. There are many guys out there. While being on my own suits me, I do understand why others want someone.
You can be more alone living with the wrong someone than being on your own.
You can’t spend your life wanting and wishing till it’s too late and you’re just treading water till you die with someone who is just taking what he needs.

Life is short, too short to spend with the wrong man. I look back and kick myself.
Get a life, hobbies, get out and about and soon you’ll meet someone new. Maybe someone who actually wants what you want.

I know that a lot of it is personality types etc but I can't imagine being this passive. I've known a few women in my life who were struck down with and subsequently (and quickly) died in their mid/late thirties. Life is too short, far, far too short, for this kind of hand-wringing nonsense. You tell him what you want and if he doesn't want it too you fucking ship out and find someone who does or live life alone but on your own terms.

'But I don't think he's being purposefully deceitful or malicious.'

I would hope anyone's bar wouldnt be that low.....but maybe duplicitous, self-serving, disingenuous?

You, your needs and wants, are not his priority. Dont take it personally as he obviously doesnt have this emotional depth or capacity for anyone if he compartmentalised his time and effort with young children as an obligation and not pure joy and passion for his loved ones.

I hope you can extricate yourself from this without too much drama (dont fall for any promises - they would be words not actions to waste even more of your time). Try to be grateful that the penny has dropped now and that you have noy endured the next 5 futile years with him. Do you have someone in RL that you can trust to support and encourage you? If not maybe seek professional support through a counsellor? Good luck.

Just read this thread and it resonates. I am about to walk away from a four year relationship for pretty much the sole reason that he refuses to marry me (we have been supposedly engaged for a little while now, but he never mentions marriage - if I bring it up it leads to an argument).

Has had been married before and so I find it disrespectful that I am expected to be second best to his former wife, not good enough to marry. I respect myself too much to feel devalued like that for the rest of my life.

I think a relationship without marriage can work fine if both parties aren't bothered - but if one wants marriage and the other doesn't, to me that's a deal breaker. Unfortunately.

But I don't think he's being purposefully deceitful or malicious. Until today I thought he truly believes that he loves me and has my best interests in mind

From what you've said about him, I very very much doubt that he has YOUR best interests in mind

You propose?

If I were you I would definitely leave. Any proposal and marriage now would always leave you wondering whether it was only to placate you. He sounds disinterested in making the effort to be a decent husband and father. You'd be settling

Try to imagine how your life might unfold with him if you stay. Partners not spouses, in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties. Growing old together. Probably without kids. Will he stay faithful to you, adore you, prioritise and care for you? Be a great companion?

Everyone makes some compromises in their choice of life partner. We don’t live in a Disney movie. We overlook some faults when love and other qualities more than compensate.

But are you making too much compromise if you stay with him?

Will he - can he - make you happy?

Oh yes, the house is a point of contention. We both work full time but I bear the full load of the housework and find myself squeezing it in to times when he's affording himself the liberty of relaxing. In the past when I've reached peak frustration with him I have blurted out how much easier it would be to live alone and run my own house without him in it.

Why exactly do you WANT to marry him!!

Thank you. I knew this was a possibility in the back of my mind but I didn't really think of it in this way. The fact he may think he only needs to string me along for a few more years until I'm over the fertility window...

I meade the same point a few hours ago @TwoLittleDogs

The way I put it was he's running down the clock.

Keeping you on hold till it's too late to have a baby.

Oh OP, what on earth does this man offer you? From what you've described he's selfish, lazy and doesn't prioritise you at all.

I promise you can do so much better.

Thank you. No, the sibling engagement was fresh news today. The thing that happened earlier in the week was something separate.

Each update you write makes him sound more and more appealing op! I'm actually glad you never married him tbh!
I really hope the scales are starting to fall from your eyes so you can see him for what he actually is. He's a shit partner, and a shit Dad.
This man is not husband or father material. You don't have to live like this op, run and build a happy fulfilling life for yourself.

He probably does think he loves you and has your best interests at heart but thinking and doing are 2 different things.

I know you describe him as passive but would bone idle be more descriptive. It’s the can’t be arsed to do anything theme that seems to run through his life

I bet it will come as a huge shock that you want to break up.

I will say don’t fall for him getting down on one knee to propose because that is him only weighing up that it is less work to ask you to marry him than it is for him to lose you and have to do work to find another gf to live with him and replace you so he can go back to his idle life and have another person to make decisions for him.

Interested to know the reason he split with his first wife. I will guess it was because he was either very lazy, offered no help or she had an affair with someone who was the very opposite of him.

I agree with this, on the plus side men your age are often actively looking to settle down so get a move on.

The thing is mostly in all other areas of life. We do typically see if a man wants something they are going for it.
Have a discussion, but if you feel negativity or dragging of feet, even if he says yes, then I'd be looking to move on. You deserve someone who can't wait to marry you. The resentment will kill the relationship if you feel you've had to drag him to get married.
It's something like £120 at the the registry office cheaper than a playstation, so what's stopping him 🤷🏼‍♀️ to ignore it when he knows it's important to you is pretty shit. At least be transparent if it's not what he wants.

In the past when I've reached peak frustration with him I have blurted out how much easier it would be to live alone and run my own house without him in it.

The crux of your problems is this-

As a couple, you don't communicate.

You can't communicate your needs and feelings.
You 'communicate' about housework by blurting things out when you've reached your limit.
You send him texts about being married etc (which he ignores or doesn't refer to face to face.)

What's missing are mature conversations between the two of you to reset your relationship or even who does the cleaning.

He's an ostrich burying his head in the sand (and avoiding talking.)
You're too timid to call him to account.

This is never going to work.

Being married and having children is a long, hard slog.

If you're with a man who won't discuss anything seriously and you're too afraid to raise some issues, your relationship is worthless.

Get out of it.

His old are his kids ?

Do they stay at yours ?

It does sound as if he isn't bothered about kids or marriage with you

Sorry

OP, all I can think of is this could be a really brilliant fresh start for you! Your sibling is moving into a new chapter of their lives, and while it is one you want for yourself right now, another opportunity is at your doorstep. The opportunity to go and find someone who is truly passionate about you and your future.

Might be a bit of a stretch, but I know myself from family weddings, especially of a sibling, someone will always ask “when is it your turn?”. Do you want to sit there with him and feel resentment? Or sit with friends & family with hope and think “Not sure, but it will happen one day!!”

At this point, even if you do marry him, or he does propose, you’ll always think he’s doing it to shut you up. If he wanted to be married, he would be. He doesn’t, so he’s not. But if he’s ‘willing to go along with’ what you want, you’ll always wonder if he just married you to get you off his back. You’ll never feel like he married you because he wanted to, and because he was excited to do so.

Get out of there, OP. You deserve so much more, and as you said yourself, being alone would be preferable & easier than being with him, so there’s really nothing to hold you back.

This.