Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

My love, with respect, you have been together nine years. Over three thousand days have elapsed since you have been together, any one of which would have been a perfectly good time to propose. He hasn't, and that hurts. He is a disappointing man.

There is no more time for shilly-shallying, you need to get your act together. Decide what you want and tell him, calmly and clearly. Whatever the outcome, you can then get on with the rest of your life.

Of course, you must decide what is best for you, but from the easy perspective of my sofa he sounds like a right waste of elbow skin. He's a disappointing partner, do you really want to give him the chance to be a disappointing husband, a disappointing father?

Time to start playing the main part in your own life, not a bit part in his, I think.

I wish you well.

there are several of these threads daily, just use advanced search and the answer is always the same.
IF you have said how important marriage is to you, and he doesn't do it, the answer is clear.
Hinting etc is a waste of time you have to ask outright.

Every guy I have dated seriously I stated marriage within 3 years or I'd be gone. The legal standing is important to me, I'd rather be single than a long-standing girlfriend (of course I appreciate for divorced people they might have reasons like wanting assets to go to kids. But I didn't date anybody with existing children anyway).

Maybe you feel differently, companionship is more important so you're willing to ignore the marriage bit.

Sorry it's a hard decision but that's what it comes to.

Wish I 100 % knew it at the time but made the right decision instinctively.
Was in mid 20's, lived 4 years with DP, same scenario, no proposal etc. Knew I wanted DCs at some point.
Left as it was pointless waiting/wasting my life.
Always had a hunch deep
down I did not tick THE major must have on his list of a woman to marry.
We all
have one or two must haves/ non negotiables the other person looks for and that's why they don't propose. Imo
Could be anything: personality/career/background/financial/looks

I met one of xDP's friends years later and asked if my hunch was right and he wanted a wealthy/career driven DP ( opposite of him ) He did and that's who he married. Lucky only wasted 4 years and got out.
You need to find out somehow your DP's main criteria for non proposal reason but after 9 years think he's confident it's his way or no way.
Personally I wouldn't put up for 9 years with something I do not really want.

This ^

I was with a man like this for years in my 20s. I made it clear that I wanted to get married, and he always claimed he wanted that too but never did anything about it. Once I got really serious about it he dumped me!

He liked having me around and got comfortable, but wasn't willing to commit. He was also very stunted emotionally and in hindsight the relationship was not fulfilling for me, but I didn't know any better.

I am so incredibly thankful I didn't end up married to him. I had some time single where I felt like I got back to being myself again, then a year later (in my early 30s) I met my DH who is amazing and everything my ex was not.

You absolutely deserve better, please don't settle for this man.

Okay, thanks for filling in the gaps.

So he's maybe 10+ years older than you?
If he's in his 40s with adult kids he must have been a father in his early 20s.

That's a LONG time ago so it's not as if he has any parenting responsibilities now, day to day.

He tells me the words that I want to hear and I want to believe him,

But he doesn't. The words you want are 'Marry me'.
He's not saying those words.

Look, he's not being fair to you.
He won't talk about it all.
You're scared of talking because you fear the answers.

You know what he's doing? Running down the clock. So it will be too late to have kids (for you.)

He's taking up your precious years after which it will be too late to have children.
Do you really want to wait till you're 38 or 39 and then decide to leave?
And have lost your chance of being a mum?

Think long and hard, and quickly, and make your own decision.

If he is in his 40s and has adult children would he really want to go through young children stage again?

Well you're not going to get that passion from him. The only question is, are you brave enough to put yourself back out there and try to find it with someone else?

DS was with his DW for 10 years before he proposed on a beach in South America. Itvwas a complete surprise to her and very romantic. They had a large wedding this Spring and are expecting their first DC early next year.
I think they got it right. They got together young (sixteen), have travelled, established their careers and bought their home five years ago.
I think if you've been together all those years and had DC, were renting and had no financial security or were a lot older and wanting DC it would be different but DS and DIL are still only 28.

Not the same situation at all.

Has he been a shit, deadbeat to his kids, then? Surely you found that repulsive?

I think you can only ask this question. I personally wouldn't ask a man to propose. If a man wants to marry he will ask you. A man will a date a woman for years with no proposal; break up with that woman and propose to the new woman within a year.

Yeah @Daschund teenage sweethearts obviously have all the time in the world. Their age of marriage after 10 years is also likely younger than OP ..when she even got together with this man.

In my humble opinion a woman who wants kids needs to start taking relationships seriously after a certain age. No time for faffing about. I'd consider a proposal after 2 years rushed for a 22 year old, alright for a 30 year old.

When you're older you should also know what you want out of life and how to judge people.

As cowardly as this man is for future faking OP. OP is also to blame somewhat for her ambivalence. She also still doesn't know if she wants children. I'm guessing she doesn't have a particularly strong maternal desire then.

As in, some women want children no matter the cost. Even having them as single parents

I wanted a family - bear the babies of a man who made me feel safe enough to do so. OP's man clearly isn't in this category... So if that's what she wants she needs to hurry up and dump him

I would not want to waste my fertile years on someone who was messing me around. If you want to have a baby with this man , have one now and if he is not keen then ask yourself why. If he says no then I would walk away and not waste any more time. In addition, he sounds like a bit of an idiot who is messing you around. Look at your self-esteem and whether you need to work on yourself.

I hope you leave him. You will probably eventually split one day anyway- presumably when there is a crisis and his passivity feels like a betrayal

Mid thirties is still young, many women in my close friendship group met their long term partners around that time or a little later. Don’t think it’s impossible at all. One through OLD but also work, hobbies, and mutual friends. If that’s what might be holding you back, don’t let it :)

I would stay because I’m an idiot who has no self respect. But you shouldn’t stay. He clearly knows you want marriage. He has said that he wants that too. He has taken no steps towards making that happen. There are men out there who will happily waste your life. They’ll waste your opportunity to become a mother and they won’t think twice about it. I would certainly not propose. If I had been a better me I would say, look, I love you but I’ve made it clear for a long time that I’m looking for marriage etc. regardless of what you’ve said, you don’t appear to be on that page and you’re wasting my time. Goodbye. The power of being able to walk away is everything, it really is. X

He doesn't want to marry you

He doesn't want children with you

He wouldn't be hugely bothered if you left him

He wasn't invested in his children's lives and still isnt

He's quite passive, not particularly passionate or emotionally engaged and he doesn't like being assertive or confrontation

Tell me again.....why do you want to marry this man?

I would 100% stay cos marriage isn’t important to me and being with the right person is. But clearly you have a different view. It sounds like maybe your partner is similar to me?

Have ever had a proper conversation about each others’ views on marriage? For example, why do you want to get married, why it matters to you etc? How he feels about it all, what does he like about it/ what does he not?

If you’ve been together 9 years, he is probably in the ‘no need to rock the boat’ mindset. We had been together a similar amount, he talked about getting married and it really scared me and made me uncomfortable to the point of breakup.

Some reasons why I wouldn’t marry:

• No desire to mix assets/ finances
• Pressure to host a party/ don’t want to be the centre of attention
• Cost of weddings
• Complications of a divorce/ permanent legal ties even after divorce
• Seen people in LTRs get married and the relationship shift to worse right after/ lead to breakup despite years together
• Think marriage puts pressure on a relationship, it becomes ‘out of duty’ rather than ‘out of love’
• Seen too many brutal divorces
• If we’ve been happy together so long, why change it

The list goes on, I see endless cons and societal pressure, and zero pros.

Think you need to properly speak and listen to each other if it’s something you’ve wanted so long and based on his actions, he isn’t bothered.

I’d say that’s a better start than straight to breakup/ ‘we need to marry or I’m leaving you’

He refuses to engage though. He has also actively said he wants the same things but not done anything about it.
There's nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting marriage but one has to make a decision and be honest about it

Piss or get off the pot

Looks like he didnt even go through the young children thing first time round as OP said "his kids are now adults who have left home, but before I feel like he only saw them out of obligation."

He's a duplicitous, selfish, middle aged man who targeted a young career woman in her early 20s - he avoided anyone older (his own age who's bio clock was ticking or who had children) - and he's strung her along for nearly a decade.

He doesnt want more children (he didnt want them first time - he might well have had the snip...) and he doesnt want to get married as I assume being a decade older than you he has more savings, investments, pension that he doesnt want to share on marriage (even if you didnt/couldnt/or agreed not to have kids).

He is a cliche as old as time - seen this happen time and time again.

Even without DC or marriage this relationship id deficient.

He's not a good man - look how he has treated his DCs.

Anyone with half a heart doesnt see their DCs as an obligation.

If you got married or pregnant you would have a miserable motherhood experience wih this character (ask his ex) but you would most likely end up as single parent with a reluctant at best or obstructive at worst uninvolved 'co'-parent.

I have seen this happen so many times. Its sad that one of your friends or family didnt tip you off. But get out now and look to the future.

Social media has wonderful photos of "him popping the question" and a ring. It reinforces that women have no say in " asking" whereas it should be a joint decision that both want. He has all his needs met. He is a father, he has a partner and a home. You are a partner, have a home and want to be a mother with security. He does not have any reason to change any part of his comfortable life. You are weighing up what you have against what you really want. He is a passive sightseer in the situation and you are being passive to accommodate his needs to not " upset or annoy" him. He is not thinking of what you need or want in fact he is avoiding it or deflecting from it. So talking or trying to talk has not changed anything. You need to become active in upending this situation even if you lose something.

Is that @TwoLittleDogs OH?

I was married to someone who was avoidant and terrible at communicating, and it was a nightmare. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an avoidant bad communicator.

What you say about not finding another relationship is completely wrong and it's what's referred to by some therapists as a false feeling. Of course you'd find someone else! There are billions of people in the world. You'd have to work at it because finding someone is a numbers game, but honestly, it's better to be single than with someone who's so half-arsed about your future together.

Why don't you freeze your eggs? It's expensive but tell him that you think it's a good idea to buy you both a lot more time. He'd LAP that up, being as avoidant and uncommitted as he is. Get him to share the cost, and when it's done, break up.

He's using you for comfort while not caring a jot about the wellbeing of your future, so why not?

I also wouldn't wait until all this is done to look around for someone new. I'm not saying that you should have an affair, but why not be open to friendships with new men? It's all part of the process of preparing to leave.

Put yourself first. He puts himself first and has done for years, and it's about time you did, too.

Why on earth are you advising her to freeze her eggs?

It costs thousands. It's time consuming and very painful (literally.)
The chances of a baby from it are very small. And share the cost, all the time being cynically planning to leave him and be a single mother if the egg freezing even worked?

Come on!

'Hello partner who I love. I'm thinking we should get married next year, how about we start looking at some venues?'

'No I'm not ready' - there's your answer
'Yes that sounds great' - there's your answer