Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

Whose idea was it to call them your childs grandparents? Yours, or theirs?
It doesn't really matter how old your daughter was when you met your new partner and his parents. That doesn't automatically make them her grandparents. And they don't have to take up that role of they don't want to. You shouldn't expect them to. Of course you can expect them to be friendly and polite to her, but just because their son has a relationship with you, they shouldn't be forced to 'adopt' a grandchild.

Now, if they actively chose to take up that role, fine. Then they should act on it and behave as grandparents.
But if that's not the case, I suggest you spend your energy not on resenting people for doing nothing wrong, but teaching your daughter about life being unfair sometimes, and how she can cope.
Is it sad for your daughter that she doesn't have grandparents? Of course it is. Is it your in laws' responsability to compensate for that loss? No. Just because your daughter is missing out on something, doesn't make it someone elses job to make up for it. You - as her mother - shouldn't be expecting the world to go easy on her. What she needs from you is to teach her to deal with difficult situations, with grief, with disappointment.

That being said, if it were me I would absolutely take on a 3-year old as my grandchild, because that's just who I am. And a lot of people might agree. But that doesn't mean people should be expected to.

@Girlmom35 sorry I meant they are grandparents to our child together.

They're not her grandparents. It's not their fault that her real grandparents on her father's side aren't involved. You can't make people feel things they don't feel

I think it’s mean tbh. Ok you can’t expect fair treatment from everyone but you can expect fair treatment from decent people.
What does your dh think?

She does get down about it. She asked the dad if he would be her granddad also and could she call him granddad now the little one has started talking and he just looked at her. I think is so so mean to expect a child to understand. You can make an effort even if you don’t feel it for the sake of a small child who has no fault at all.

@caramac04 sorry I mis-read. He doesn’t say much to be honest. I think he is a little scared of his parents.

This sounds really heartbreaking. Asking him to be her grandad and getting nothing back! Although I think you're in the right, you can't force the relationship and if you tell your daughter they're her grandparents that will lead to expectations (from her) that it sounds like they have no intention of fulfilling.

Sad that there isn't other grandparents around for her. I've heard of schemes that match lonely older people with families sometimes - kind of "adopt a grandad!" I wonder if you could look into that. And support her to have fulfilling and loving relationships with other adults in her life - do you have aunts/uncles who might fill a similar type role.

Does your partner consider themselves 'dad' to your DD, even though not biologically related? If so, then his parents need to respect that and treat both children the same.

Same as any adopted grandchild.

I mean she's 9 - she's old enough to have it explained that they're not her grandparents - you can't expect them to play a role they don't want to / aren't comfortable with just to save face in front of your child, especially when being a grandparent involves so much more than just a name.

Doesn't she have grandparents on your side / her biological dad's side?

I understand you and your partner have got together and he's been in her life a long time, but that's your choice not theirs and you don't get to make that decision for other people. It's fairly understandable that they'd have a stronger bond with their actual relative, and even then you're saying they don't make a huge amount of effort with their actual grandchild!

Could you talk with them, and ask them outright if they would be willing to act as grandparents to your DD. You could say you don't want her to miss out as her G
Ps on your side have died, and that her father and his family have no contact with her, and you don't want her to miss out on the warmth of family life, and having a lovely relationship with them. How do you think they might react to a definite request like this, rather than just hopes and maybe hints which they don't get?

Could your partner adopt your older DD, that makes her a more solid part of the family and they would be her GPs (by adoption). It is sad that she doesn't feel really part of her 'dads' family

I should add that she is autistic (she is more on the mild side so I’ve been told and ok with support in school) it’s extremely hard to have those conversations with her. She gets sad that she is different.

But presumably the child isn't adopted and the situation would be very different if she was.
She already has a dad and paternal grandparents of her own, even if they aren't involved.You can't just go up to someone and declare them to be her relation and expect them to agree!

This is heartbreaking. But I also wouldn’t totally condemn your partner’s parents here. Imagine it from their point of view. They have no biological relationship with your daughter, and if you and DH aren’t married they have no legal relationship either - she’s not their granddaughter-in-law. Suppose you and your DP broke up. They would probably never see your daughter again. If they had truly decided to “adopt” her as a granddaughter, then that would be absolutely devastating, for everyone. If I thought that was even a small possibility, I’d be wary of getting into a grandparent/grandchild type relationship because it could cause so much pain for everyone down the line, and obviously the child might not even be able to understand what was happening.

I’m afraid I don’t know what the answer is here. It’s clearly heartbreaking for your daughter. But I think I can understand where your partner’s parents may be coming from too.

Yes I understand that. I can’t understand how someone can behave one way to one child and completely differently to another in the same room. She has know them for 5 years and my youngest is 2. I couldn’t live with myself if I behaved like this to a child. But that’s me.

Bloody awful people... Being a dgp is a title earned imo. They don't deserve your lovely little girl. My ils treated my dd the same and she was 3 when they met her... Oddly beyond words is current mil encouraged my dc to call her dgm but dumped us all when her biological dgc came along. Nowt as odd as folk op.

I think if I was eager to have the full blended/adopted wider family, when I have an existing child, I would be very selective about the partner and the family they come from that I choose.

The time to be aware of how they feel about your child was before you committed to him and went on to have a child together.

Just because your partner considers himself Dad, does not mean that the grandparents should feel the same. They had no say on you two becoming a couple.
This comes up a lot on MN, and yes it would be lovely if all stepgrandparents gladly took on that role, but look on it from their point of view... Your elder child is not related to them at all. She is the child of a man they have never met, and a woman who is their son's girlfriend.
The fact that you two have a biological child together makes it so much harder as it highlights the difference, but you can't force people to feel kinship that doesn't exist

I think it’s a really tough situation.

I don’t think anyone should be being deliberately rude or cruel to a child, but I equally think it’s understandable that they don’t have the same relationship with her that they do their biological grandchild.

I’d try and find a middle ground agreed by all to explain it in an age appropriate way.

@Halloween24 She asked the dad if he would be her granddad also and could she call him granddad now

You should've stepped in and put a stop to that. That's really unfair on your partner's Dad to be asked a question like that. Your DD should already have been told by 9 that he's a step granddad not her real one, as sad as it is.

I have a 9yr old DD whose father is absent. I'm staying single until she's an adult (as I don't personally believe in blending families but that's just my decision for us), however IF I had another DC with someone new, then my DD would already know the score by the time the new child was born. That DP's parents were Step Grandma & Step Grandad but were to be addressed by their first names.

Are you serious?! They didn't ask to suddenly become responsible for grandparenting a 9yr old! You can’t thrust that upon people and then call them names when they don't want to!

If I was them I would be very careful not to get into a grandparent relationship until such time as your partner adopts your child. I would want to be sure that my grandparent relationship was not dependent on the long term success of the romantic relationship between my son and his current partner. If they broke up I could easily never see the child again.

I would be kind to your child, include them in any whole family get togethers, and if spending Christmas together I would get them a present. But I would definitely not let them call me grandma. My actions would protect both myself and my son's partner's daughter from future heartbreak.

We have been together since she was 3. Most of her life they have been in.

Is dad on the scene?

I don’t see how this is protecting my daughter. She has known them most of her life, she has a half sister so would be in their life, why would I not encourage all relationships even if we split? We’ve been together 5 years and have no intentions of splitting up. My daughter is suffering because they are making her feel different. She doesn’t want grandparents but she wants to be included. They didn’t even come and see her for her birthday a few months past, just pushed the gift through the letter box. Children remember this. But am fully aware I can’t make people care.