Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

Still doesn't make them her grandparents.

You're angry with the wrong people. You should direct your anger at her bio Dad/his parents (her grandparents) who aren't in touch with her.

No I know. His grandparents have been amazing and treated her the same as the other great grandchildren. She has a lovely relationship with them, they are warm and inviting.

I think the thing she needs help to understand OP is that she is different to your other child. Her relationship with them IS different to your other child. Explaining that in an age appropriate way is much better for both her and them, than letting her ask them about being granda herself.

@Halloween24 are you expecting the 9 year olds bio dad and grandparents to be grandparents to the younger one then?

As that is what you are asking for in the same respects. Yes they can be kind but they may not want to be called grandparents to a child who is not theirs. You have to respect their feelings too. You can still explain to your daughter that they are important people in your child's life though.

If you split acrimoniously (eg your partner cheats) then can you hand on heart saying you would still faithfully take your daughter every week to see the parents of the man you hate? Even if you would, many women wouldn't, and the 'grandparents' can't take that risk can they. They don't know how you'll feel post messy breakup.

If as you say you and your partner are definitely not splitting up, then put your money where your mouth is - get a marriage/civil partnership in place and have your partner adopt your child. If you're not sure enough about him to take these steps then why should your partner's parents be?

I agree with this. You shouldn't have let her ask that of him. Especially out of the blue.

My daughter is autistic, she doesn’t fully understand, she says what she thinks. I don’t have control of what she thinks unfortunately.

The only thing I would do is explain the biological aspect to my 9 year old, in a way that helps her understand that it’s not about her or anything she has done wrong.
Your partners parents feel how they feel and it is probably unrealistic to expect both children to be treated exactly the same by them. Your partner has no legal rights where your daughter is concerned, and the two of you aren’t married, which is something people do think about, especially when they are from a different generation.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong.

Exactly.

She’s just a small ND child who wants to be like the rest. Where’s the empathy gone??? This makes me so sad.

Bit of a drip feed... So she has a lovely relationship with some grandparents figures, and she also gets gifts etc from her step grandparents so they do make some effort. She's not doing too badly.

Sadly grandparents often make more effort with their daughters children than their sons, is that the case here?

All but one of my GPs were dead when I was born and the other was in another country so only saw them very infrequently. I still had a decent childhood. Try not to get hung up on it and focus on the good relationships she DOES have.

But the thing is in this situation she isn’t like the rest, and helping her understand why she is different to her sibling in this particular relationship is important.

Human decency is often in short measure in these circumstances. The adults are behaving atrociously towards a small child. Sometimes it's a case of fake it until you make it. Yes you and your partner may break up and they might not see your child again but they're adults they can deal with it. They're complete shits in my opinion.

Another one of these threads.

They aren't her grandparents. You might have chosen to blend your family; they didn't. As long as they are polite etc, it's fine. You can't expect people to pretend to suit you.

Honestly this thread has just made it feel worse. It’s been 5 years, we own our own home together. Marriage I’m unsure only because we have houses separate and I don’t know how to navigate the financial side of things to protect both the kids. I’m hoping we last a long time together.

@Halloween24 I also have an autistic child who is part of a blended family. You definitely should have stepped in and told her it's not appropriate to ask that, and then followed up with a conversation just the two of you later.

It's not a lack of empathy. It the fact that you're directing your anger wrongly and have unreasonable expectations.

In an ideal world your eldest's grandparents would be on the scene, and would treat your eldest as the granddaughter she is, and treat you youngest kindly, but not as a grandchild, since they're not. And you youngest's grandparents would treat your youngest as a grandchild, and your eldest kindly, but not as a grandchild, since she isn't.

The weak link is your daughter's biological family. They are the ones letting her down. They are the people who should be "grandparenting" her.

You are taking it out on your in laws, who aren't doing anything wrong. They are treating her kindly, but not as their grandchild, because she isn't their grandchild.

Your two children are equal to you. They're not equal to people who are only related to one of them.

If i was them, I'd be honoured to be thought of as her grandma. Some people are horrible.

My parents treated my brother's children and his step child exactly the same. This is so unusual that she (the step child) still talks about it 30 years later.

No they aren’t treating her kindly at all. They aren’t treating her like she is anything. She can’t speak to them without making comments. A few months past she told them excitedly about the pen license she was awarded at school to which they said well my grandchildren got them a whole year before
you. They aren’t being kind, they are actively making her feel less then!

To be fair they make both myself and my daughter feel like we are less then them, they are better.

and what do you expect your DD's bio grandparents on her bio dads side to call your younger child? Why are you not getting annoyed at her bio grandparents for not being in their DGD's life?

i don't know the situation, is her dad still on the scene? does she still see his parents?

i think, as harsh as it sounds, its upto to your partners parents to decide if they want to be 'grandparents' too your DD, it shouldn't be assumed that this will be the natural order of things.

He is not allowed to see her because he was abusive and the one grandparent is 1000s of miles away and has no contact. She is a valid member of our family, we are a team and she should be treated with kindness. I think they see her as something bad. To be honest I think they see us both like this because of the past. A lot of work has gone into building us both up and we both doing well considering. It is their loss as if they can’t welcome us all and treat us with kindness then they aren’t welcome to be our lives. It’s very sad but as another poster said some of his family have been so lovely.

I agree with the majority of posters here. To them your DD is nothing more than the daughter of their son's girlfriend. You're not married and he hasn't adopted her, there's no official commitment making you both family to them. You said yourself, you don't want to get married because you want to protect your assets. That shows that you don't truly see the 4 of you as a whole family unit so you can't blame your DP's parents for feeling the same way.